A Beleaguered Life
by SevFanFictions
Summary: Who's to say Severus and Lily never had a night of passion? What happens when the consequences present after he calls her a mudblood? Will the product of their inebriated night fix their damaged friendship or make it savagely worse?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

If life ever had a lesson for Severus Snape it was to teach him just how cruel and unfair its essence could be. From his gaunt and angular frame to his obtrusive nose he was far from being counted among the handsome. Where the misfortune concerning his appearance ended his social adversity began. He was imbalanced, abrasive, and altogether socially awkward. With little friends to call close he lived a life of bitter solitude relishing the affiliations he had managed to form with an obsessive possession. Where one is lacking in companions one usually makes up for in family relations. Severus' family was small and painfully unsatisfying at best. His father: a belligerent drunkard of a muggle, with such a distasteful ambiance one could scarcely call him humane. His mother: an obstructive, and sour, pure-blooded witch who would sooner cut out her own tongue than use it to utter words of decency or kindness towards her only son. As a young boy Severus had eagerly dreamed of leaving his wretched parents and vile home behind to construct a more favorable continuation of life at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. With his hopes instilled in this future; this change of surroundings he was sorely disappointed when his situation at school mirrored that of his loneliness and hatred at home. He developed more enemies than friends and found himself more exquisitely bullied there then he had ever experienced from his parents at home. Ever desiring life to be more charitable to him, he lived on a day to day basis, steadily consternated, dreaming of a life that didn't so closely resemble hell. Barely at the age of sixteen Severus hadn't a clue in the world how to remedy his constant rut in life, to his insatiable chagrin. This being so he was uniformly depressed and invariably angry seeking solace in all the wrong places. Forever being dismayed when things never seemed to improve.

Like every other Friday the day had been long and arduous, manifested by the grey clouds that hung in the mid April sky. Double transfiguration with the Gryffindors had been a grueling enough task, proving to be a mere pin prick in comparison to the strenuous arithmancy exam that had followed. As the O. W. L.s were approaching in the next few weeks, the professors had been cracking down on lessons. Making them ever more rigorous while simultaneously increasing the work load. It was all any of the weary fifth years could do to simply stay on top of their assignments, prepare for their O. W. L.s, and maintain any strap of sanity.

Severus walked in a slump towards the great hall with a hunger so vigorous and blatant it could be considered as foreign, having never experienced anything quite like it before. Upon entering the great hall the noise of the many students within rang in his ears, triggering a dull ache at the front of his skull. He inched past a group of babbling Hufflepuffs on their way out from dinner and made his way to the end of the Slytherin table.

His heavy bag was wretched from his person and placed sloppily under the bench as he violently sat down with a jerk of his body. He sighed quietly, his stomach gurgling painfully, as he weighed the options of the food before him. Hesitantly selecting pork-chops, he forked a rather large scrap onto his plate followed by baked potatoes and pureed carrots. He cut up his meat and brought the apportioned pieces to his mouth, feeling at peace for the first time that day.

"Snape," Said Demitri Mulciber, as a word of greetings, taking a seat on the bench opposite Severus, who nodded his head in acknowledgement before filling his mouth with another bite of his dinner. As he continued to eat Severus grew discomforted and irritated for Mulciber sat across from him, staring, a rather smug grin etched on his face.

"What?" Snape asked after sometime, holding his fork and knife on either side of his plate in inquiry.

"Look at this," Mulciber said enthusiastically as he drove into his bag, exuberantly rummaging through it. He pulled out a book bound in brown worn-out leather with Russian letters painted on the front in chipping white paint.

Severus placed his cutlery down on the table and received the book from Mulciber's eager hands. He stared at the cover, realization coming over his face. It was Anatoly Malsalsky's book (an esteemed dark arts researcher, spell creator, and black magic practicer) who happened to be the inventor of the Cruciatus Curse and a personal hero of Severus'.

"Where did you find this? It's been out of print for decades. I've looked positively everywhere for it," Snape said opening the book and looking at the first few pages which were coincidently written in English despite its Russian title.

"My father ordered it for my birthday," said Mulciber smiling happily at Severus' obvious astonishment about having the book at hand in his midst. "Says it took him a lot of work and a pretty penny just to find it. Acquiring it was an even harder job."

"I don't doubt it," Snape agreed reading the first few pages in awe.

The book spoke of magical theorem and the interpretation of The Black Magic Doctrine, a theory stating that black magic holds all the powers of darkness, in other words, all the ill will and malcontent in the universe. This strongly contrasts with white magic, in other words, holding all benevolence and good will at your wand tip. Malsalsky spoke of the two branches as dualism and described them as being separate faucets of magic yet equal in intent.

"Well, aren't you lucky," said Severus coldly, handing the book back to its owner and returning to his meal.

"Only compared to some," stated Mulciber happily, stuffing the book back into his bag. "You can borrow it when I'm done."

"So, what, like the end of next year?"

"Shut up," Mulciber said as a matter of factually, grabbing a whole chicken breast from a pile of identical pieces and tossing it onto his plate.

The two boys ate in silence and finished quickly for Mulciber seemed to be just as ravenous as Severus had been.

"So, what have you got on tonight?" Mulciber asked as they both lifted their bags from the ground and began walking from the hall.

"I was going to meet Lily in a few minutes," said Severus looking down at his watch, noticing it was a quarter past seven. He had made plans to see her at seven thirty. Mulciber groaned loudly looking at Snape in utter disgust.

"You and that blast ended mudblood! Snape, I do not understand you."

"It isn't my concern wether you understand me or not," Snape said cooly as they began descending the stairs down into the dungeons.

"How can you stand being around her?" Mulciber asked. "She seems like a right bitch to me."

Severus said nothing, walking silently, simmering in his own personal fat of anger and resentment. He allowed Mulciber to berate Lily until they were at the entrance of the Slytherin common room.

"Baneberry," Snape uttered quickly as the wall concealing the Slytherin dungeon vanished, allowing the two boys access. Severus ushered in first, walking briskly through the common room, determined to ignore Mulciber, who was close in toe, still slandering Lily and Severus' friendship.

Snape, for one, was pleased upon entering their dormitory as it was vacant of the three other inhabitants. Had they been there he would surely have to hear their opinions (which he had already received one hundred times over) on the subject of his association with mudbloods.

"I just really don't know how you live with yourself, man," Mulciber stated aggressively, simultaneously kicking off his shoes and lying on his bed. "If I, for some reason, was cursed with the company of a mudblood I would slit my wrist with that little slasher spell you created in the beginning of the year."

"Your gifts of melodrama continue to serve you well," Severus said peeling off his watch and removing his books from his bag.

"I would drop her if I was you."

"You're not me," Severus chimed as he continued pulling his books out of his bag and placing them in a neat stack on his bedside table.

"Before you really regret it."

Snape scoffed before hanging his bag on his four-poster bed, "You're truly ridiculous Mulciber, she's muggle born! What could she possibly do to me that I would regret?"

"You mean besides steal your dignity? Oh wait, she's already done that," Mulciber said chuckling at his humorous joke.

"Oh shut it!" Said Snape sending the book in his hands soaring towards Mulciber who ducked a moment too late, causing the book to hit him painfully in the ear. Severus laughed whole heartily as he walked towards the door.

"You're such a bastard!" Mulciber enjoined rubbing his ear frantically and tossing the assaulting book to the floor.

"And proud of it," Severus said pompously before exiting the dormitory. . .

Lily, for all intents and purposes, was Snape's complete opposite. While life was cruel and unforgiving to Severus, it was kind and generous to her. Where he was hard and brusque she was soft and understanding. For every point he was ugly and rough she was fair and tender. Being the rarest of social butterflies, with a list of friends that could fill numerous feet of parchment, everyone adored her. The professors worshipped her because she was brilliant. Her peers admired her due to her being beautiful and mild tempered. Although her mother would never admit it, only a fool would deny, she was favored over her sister Petunia.

The reason as to why she occupied herself with the lonely Slytherin was beyond the rest of the school. At times she found herself questioning her acquaintance with him as well. He was once easy to stick up for. Her friends would interrogate her association with Severus and she would dismiss them effortlessly, saying that he might be rough around the edges but was truly good at heart. As of late he made her job of defending him severely difficult. He was becoming ruder, more standoffish and ever more submerged in the dark arts by the day. His embodiment, once merely stubborn and forlorn, was now angry and callous. The kind of person he was turning into was, in the lamest of terms, evil. Nonetheless she would meet him at seven thirty as preplanned. She wasn't one to ditch her friends, even if they were growing up to be somewhat depraved.

Lily sat at the shore of the lake beholding the view of the majestic water lapping the sides of the lumber covered mountains. The twilight breeze made ripples slide across the lake as leaves danced on the branches of the trees. She turned her head to look up at the large clock on the astronomy tower, reading it at seven forty. She sighed heavily and placed her elbow on her knee, resting her chin in her hand. She hated waiting.

"Hey," Severus said coming up from behind Lily and kneeling at her side.

Even though he had only seen her yesterday he had forgotten just how beautiful she was. The sun was on the verge of setting, enveloping Lily in a grey saturation that flourished her green eyes and accentuated her fair skin. Her long lustrous red hair was blowing elegantly in the breeze causing wandering strands to fawn over her perfect face. She had already changed out of her school robes and was wearing a skirt and blouse of her choice. She sat cross legged before him consequently making her skirt ride up, revealing her luscious upper thighs. Severus' eyes found the radiant exposure, almost immediately, making his head feel light. The whole refined image caused a tingling sensation to occur in his groin and stomach as a lump rose in his throat.

"Whats up, Sev?" She asked smiling, uncrossing her legs and shoving him lightly.

A perception of joy exploded in the pit of his stomach, as it always did, when she smiled at him. No matter how terrible he ever felt, no matter what Mulciber, Avery or anyone else said against her she always had a way of making him feel good.

"Nothing at all," he replied, his adam's apple bobbing from a hard swallow. He returned her happy expression with a light turn of his lips. "So what are we going to do tonight?" He asked after a few moments of silence (filled with internal happiness and love induced torture) had passed.

"_We-e-e-e-ell_," Lily said, a mischievous grin corrupting her delicate face. She dug into a small brown knit bag at her side and pulled out a small metal flask with the Gryffindor emblem on its surface. " We could drink this melon vodka."

"We could," he offered, a forced smile coming onto his face. He didn't care for the effects of alcohol so much. The taste was even less of a motivation to consume it. Regardless, he would drink a couple sips to appease Lily. If she wanted to drink thats exactly what they were going to do.

"Far out!" Lily exclaimed happily, unscrewing the flask and taking a hardy swing.

"Easy there," Severus said wrapping his hands around the flask as she guzzled a second healthy swallow.

Lily scooped some of the booze that was dribbling down the corner of her mouth and brought it to her lips. She sucked the liquor from her fingers and giggled at her own clumsiness.

Severus watched her greedily as he tipped the flask to his mouth, allowing the citrusy ethanol to slide down his throat. The sensation to cough was overwhelming as a burning feeling ripped down his esophagus and detonated within his abdomen.

"You should see your face," Lily chuckled receiving the little bottle and taking a small sip. "You look like you're in serious agony," she said smiling and swallowing another tiny gulp before passing the canteen back to Snape.

"I am," he said receiving the flask and sniffing back his sinuses which were running from the warmth of the alcohol. He took the smallest of sips and screwed the flask shut, setting it in between the two of them.

"So what did you do today?" She asked picking up the flask and drinking from it generously.

"I went to class, Lily. Same as you," he stated monotonously.

"Obviously," she said in between sips of liquor. "How was that?"

"You're asking me how class was?" He inquired incredulously at her meager attempts of small talk.

"Is there a problem?" Was all she could think to say as a retort.

"Other than you evidently boring me?"

"_Sev_!" She bellowed shoving him so that he was knocked off balance, having to catch himself with his elbow.

"_What_?" He asked defiantly.

"You're so rude," Lily said quietly with a diminutive smile on her face. She wanted him to take it in jest. She, however, was quite serious.

"What ever," he muttered taking the melon vodka and allowing more to spill down his throat. "So what's the word, Lily?" He closed the flask and passed it off to her. "Whats going on in the fascinating world of a Gryffindor?"

"_We-e-e-e-ell_," she began vivaciously, happy that he changed the subject instead of leaving it up to her like usual. "Emmeline Vance has been attached to Sirius at the lips. It was adorable at first, Emma having a boy friend and all. Now its borderline disgusting," she said grinning juicily.

"Thats foul," said Severus tearing a fallen leaf.

"You have _no_ idea," Lily said shaking her head, taking a gulp of the vodka. "I'm thinking about joining th'choir whadda think bout that?" She continued, her words beginning to slur. Severus smiled wickedly, bringing his gaze from the leaf to meet her face.

"I think that's a brilliant idea, Lily."

"You do?" She asked surprised. For one: she couldn't sing and he knew this. Two: she was happy to see a glimpse of the old Severus. The Severus who didn't have a snide comment prepared for absolutely everything.

"I certainly do. I hate those inane choir performances. With you attempting to sing I'll have something to amuse me the whole ti—_ah_!" Lily had raised her hand and slapped his shoulder.

"_You_," whack, "_are,_" swat, "_so,_" slap, "bloody _rude_!" She finished with a finale of several blows to where ever her hands could find.

"Merlin, this is physical abuse!" Severus laughed as he attempted to fight her off. His efforts to stop her were lax for in Lily's violent outburst she had proceeded to knock him over and was consequently leaning over him to try and get her wallops in.

"Oh take it ya girl," she said smiling happily at her backhanded compliment. She turned her self around and sat nuzzled next to him. Severus propped himself up on his hands, palms lying flat on the ground. The two were so close his forearm was brushing against her lower back.

"Who's being rude now?" Snape joked, picking up the flask and drinking from it before passing it off to her as she indicated she wanted it. The vodka was almost gone now. Severus was somewhat shocked for he barely felt a buzz. This meant the majority of the flask's contents were swimming in Lily's stomach and bloodstream.

"Treat others how ya'wan ta be treated," she said jokingly wagging a finger at him.

She sighed happily and leaned her back against his torso, closing her eyes in contentment. Severus didn't dare move, in fear Lily may shift positions. He concentrated so diligently on remaining still he nearly forgot to breathe until his lungs begged him for air. So there he sat motionless, praying that his over zealous body didn't do anything that might shame him to death.

Lily could feel the alcohol swirling in her stomach and clouding her brain. Pleasant waves of delight radiated from every molecule in her body as she shifted herself so that her cheek was placed lightly on Severus' breast. The movement of his gentle breathing, the see-saw motion of his chest, elicited an unexpected feeling of ease within her. His heart pounded in Lily's ears as she brought her hand up to rest on his shoulder. Cocking her head up and looking into his face she found him already looking down at her, his black hair framing either side of his face. When her gaze met his eyes she discovered a glint in the obsidian orbs that she had never seen before. There was no explanation for what happened next, why she underwent the sudden urge that enveloped her. She wasn't even positive if she liked Severus as a person anymore. Nonetheless, that didn't stop her from bringing her lips up to his and kissing him.

Severus' body went rigid as he felt her angelic lips press ever so gently against his own. A small tremor of surprise jumped through him, causing his whole body to alight with fire. His mind was racing a mile a minute, unable to convince his consciousness that this wasn't all some kind of elaborate dream.

She pressed herself firmly against him and clutched his shoulder tightly as her leg moved to intertwine with his own. He brought his hand up to caress her cheek as his tongue prodded her lips, begging for entrance. A soft groan echoed in his throat as she granted him access, her tongue mingling with his own as his body tensed with pleasure.

Lily had maneuvered off of him, fastening her hands on the front of his robes, pulling him down on top of her. He was all too willing to acquiesce to her lead, positioning himself comfortably in between her legs. He pressed himself against her body as she deepened the kiss, moving her head to the side and moaning slightly against his lips.

The vibration of her voice in his throat made him delirious with arousal as he allowed his hands to roam her body. He explored under her shirt, his hands running over the smooth skin of her stomach, and running down the sides of her torso as his mouth greedily placed kisses on her neck and jaw line. Although unpracticed in such things, whatever he was doing Lily seemed to approve of for she cooed and muttered his name softly as her legs wrapped around his waist.

Severus propped one of his hands underneath her head, cradling her against the sandy shore, his free hand running from her stomach down over her skirt and up her thigh. He lightly moved his fingers over the exposed skin causing goosebumps to form on her flesh.

Lily's hands found their way through his billowy sleeves and snaked to his bare back, clawing at the skin as his lips returned to hers, his tongue slipping swiftly into her mouth. His free hand moved shakily to the buttons on her shirt, which were persistent to remain intact. After several minutes of fumbling pathetically, eager to not remove his lips from hers, he broke the heated kiss to unfasten the pesky buttons that were preventing him from living out his utmost dreams.

He held his breath as the shirt was parted, drinking in the newly exposed skin before returning to her mouth, eagerly continuing the passionate kissing. He removed his hand from beneath her head to run along her naked stomach, brushing his fingers up her arms. He maneuvered one of his tentative hands under the thin satin of her bra and could feel himself harden as his fingers made contact with the supple skin. Lily inhaled sharply as his mouth's attention shifted from her mouth to her breasts, worshipping each one as if they were some kind of divine goddess. He flicked his tongue around the most sensitive spots and left hungry kisses over the rest; sucking and kneading.

Lily buried one of her hands in his hair as he slowly kissed down her body, leaving no place untouched. Once he came to the holy territory of her waist he stopped and placed his fingers at the band of her skirt, slowly sliding it down her long legs before tossing it to the side.

Her stomach was rapidly rising and falling with her body's stimulation as she failed to stifle a moan while Severus brought his mouth down to her most private of area. His tongue worked impulsively as Lily's eyes rolled in back of her head and her mouth formed a circle in pleasure.

She closed her eyes tightly as she felt the penetration of Severus' fingers inside her. She writhed underneath his touch, bucking her hips in rhythm with his motions, whimpering and groaning erotically. Severus was panting erratically, mesmerized by the arousing sight of Lily moaning and tightening around his pumping fingers. He withdrew his fingers, causing Lily to cry out, as he went back to pleasuring her with his lips.

When she could stand the attention no further she grabbed his collar and roughly pulled him back on top of her. He was taken aback by her sudden movement but allowed his mouth to be locked in the recesses of her own once more as she pulled his robes from his body and hugged him to her.

"_Do it_," she murmured softly, digging her nails into his back and placing kisses on his cheeks and ear; his jaw.

Severus was startled by her sudden command but did not need telling twice. He quickly lost his underwear before positioning himself above Lily. Both shuddered and moaned in pleasure as he entered her. Severus rested only a few seconds, enwrapping himself in the harmonious moment of making love to Lily, before he began rhythmically thrusting his hips.

Everything was a haze of bliss as they moved as one, making each other moan and cry out in contentment. He would hold her legs against her chest filling a spot so sensitive both would bare their teeth and groan erotically. Lily would drag her nails down his back, eliciting a faster pace from Severus, grunting his utmost approval. The act didn't last long before Lily was pushed over the edge Severus following soon after, lost in a cloud of passionate ecstasy.

Time had stopped and nothing else would ever matter save this moment. Nothing would ever disservice Severus for he had Lily. No one could ever hurt him because she was _his_. All his suffering, his bitterness, and loneliness were all worthwhile because things were going to begin to go differently from this point on. Finally something had gone his way and he was eager to hold on to it for as long as he could.

Too bad life had proven to have a nasty habit of selling Severus Snape short— extremely short. . .

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my story.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes.

* * *

Severus waited outside the great hall within the long line of fifth years who were also present to take the Defense Against the Dark Arts Ordinary Wizarding Level. The day was warm and the sun was shinning mercilessly through the windows, taunting all who were condemned to the lengthy two-hour exam. The configuration of students inched forward, ever so slightly, as the doors were thrown open to allow the first bunch of pupils to be ushered in.

Severus looked around at his peers. Busying himself with the study of their antics. Mulciber and Avery stood directly beside him, arguing about the difference between sanguinarian vampires and prana Feeders. Severus rolled his eyes, at their asinine altercation, the answer obvious to him. His eyes further roamed the line as he inched closer to the entrance. Potter and his cronies were not far. Huddled in their usual circle, they were laughing at some absurd sexual escapade provided by none other than Sirius Black. Severus narrowed his eyes hatefully as he overheard James comparing Sirius' anecdote to what he wanted to do to Lily, _his _Lily. Anger simmering in his chest, Snape's attention diverted over the crowd until his gaze found the red hair popping out over the many heads. Mary McDonald, the witless wonder, was whispering something into Lily's ear that caused her to open her mouth and widen her eyes in disbelief before shoving her friend playfully as the two laughed vivaciously. Hanging onto each other in their glee.

He watched Lily closely as she pulled her lengthy hair off of her neck, tying it into a high pony tail. She did a messy job of the grooming, several long strands falling from the interwoven hair. Dangling in front of her face and decorating her shoulders. She smoothed the top of her head in attempts to flatten any imperfections before resting her hand delicately on the nape of her neck. Severus swallowed hard as his eyes moved from her sublime face down her body._ Merlin,_ _her body!_

Ever since _that_ Friday, weeks ago, Severus hadn't been able to stop replaying the series of events that had taken place that night. Seemingly so ordinary from the start, the day had turned into the most important of his life thus far. Making love to Lily was copiously greater than he had ever imagined it could have been. Every moan that escaped her lips, every time she cried out his name, the smells, thoughts, and feelings were branded into his skull. He recalled everything in excruciating detail. How she had leaned against him and delicately placed her hand on his shoulder before turning to face him, to_ kiss him_. The moment she had pressed her lips to his, conjuring Severus' most intimate dreams into reality, was the instance that invoked the most emotion in him. It was also the point he liked to relive eminently. Such a simple gesture to some meant absolutely everything to him. She had fundamentally stolen his breath away and forced him to fall in love with her all over again. It was a shame she had avoided him, quite successfully, ever since. That angered and hurt him greatly for things were supposed to be getting better from that point, not significantly worse.

With all his day dreaming, time had passed, allowing Severus to be marshaled into the great hall by the two seventh years who were coordinating the seating arrangements. He was guided to a desk in the back of the room where a booklet was already waiting patiently for him. Accompanied by the test were two plain quills, a bottle of black ink, and a healthy roll of parchment. Severus pulled out his chair and sat, feeling quite eager to get this O. W. L. out of the way. It was his last one of the day, after all, and he was keen to be finished with the whole experience.

"Quiet please, quiet!" Professor Flitwick squeaked from the front of the room as the aftermost students were seated in the few remaining desks. "All right, we will get started in just a moment but first the rules are in order. One: no talking is permitted through the duration of the exam. Two: If you have an emergency or must use the bathroom you may raise your hand and myself or one of two aids will escort you to the exit. Three: no cheating will be tolerated. If caught trying to do so your exam will be void and you will be escorted to the head master's office. There are no make-ups. Four: you will not discuss test questions or answers outside of this room. If done, you may face legal allegations. Are there any questions? Excellent! You may start—_now_!"

Severus opened his booklet and almost laughed at the first question. _"What is the correct effect of the jinx Flipendo?"_

Aviating through the exam, Snape was indefinitely absorbed in its contents. The two hours flew by, seemingly a mere twenty minutes to Severus, before Flitwick was calling the five minute mark and Snape was allowing his quill to roll from his hand. As he began reading his last couple of answers, being completely satisfied with how they turned out, he took the test booklet and began rereading the questions. After small consideration he was positive there wasn't any way that he would get less than an outstanding on his O. W. L. . A third year could have mastered it.

As the whole of the fifth year populace was released from the confines of the great hall Severus aimlessly followed the crowd. He was still immersed within the exam for he knew, in a few minutes (maybe ten), the paper would magically go blank. To inhibit any cheating from taking place. As he pressed on Severus grew happier and happier with how he had performed.

With every query reread his feet would haul him to places unknown. He wouldn't have been aware his legs had carried him outside if the warmth of the sun hadn't beat down on him. Creating a baking sensation against his black hair. He squinted his eyes from the brightness as he roamed the grounds for a spot of shade. Once secured in the shadow of two shrubs he pored over his booklet until he had virtually repeated the entire exam.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips as the booklet went blank. He opened his bag and slipped the leaflet inside concurrently rising from the ground and setting off towards the library. There was one particular question that he was dubious about that required research on his part. He wasn't sure if Randal Provel or Darren Privey had been the architect of the Expecto Patronum charm and he was certainly going to find out. As he was half way across the grounds he heard a voice call over the grass.

"All right, Snivellus?" It was James Potter.

Severus dropped his bag and plunged into his robes as he drew breath and wand to conjure a curse. Dread filled within Snape as he felt the twinge of magic hit his hand. He was helpless to do anything but watch as his wand flipped several times in the air, falling with a thud somewhere behind him. There wasn't any time to waste as he turned quickly to reclaim his fallen weapon, his _only_ weapon, that could ward off the quartet of Gryffindor terrors. That was when he felt the touch of magic for the second time. Like a large blow to the stomach, the wind was knocked from his body as he crashed onto the ground panting. Attempting, to no avail, to regain his stolen breath.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James asked, smiling malevolently down at him.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word," Sirius added wickedly.

The laughter from the crowd rang in Severus' ears as anger and humiliation reigned through him unchecked. He bared his teeth and flexed his arms, trying to move his limbs to no avail. He turned his gaze from the ground, still panting, and looked straight into James's eyes.

"You—wait. You—wait. . ." Severus trailed off, his humiliation and hatred rendering his thought process useless.

"Wait for what?" Sirius laughed. "What are you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

"Sectum-fucking-sempra-gryffindor-cock-sucking-confrigo-conjunctiva-mother-fuckers," Snape sputtered incoherently, his bitterness still operating on his brain. He desperately wished his wand wasn't feet behind him, useless as salt at sea.

"Wash your mouth out," said James icily. "Scourgify."

Another wave of dread came over Severus as he felt the bubbles multiplying in his mouth. On impulse his throat clamped and his stomach lurched, causing him to wretch painfully. The taste was unbearable, like bitter filthy spinach festering for weeks in the rankest garden. It took all of Snape's control to not vomit which would consequently make the situation worse. Since the froth was already attempting to travel down his airway and drown him, more secretions would not help matters at all. Thus he heaved feebly, hoping the magic would wear off sooner rather than later.

"Leave him _alone_!" Lily's voice shouted, seemingly coming from nowhere.

Severus' eyes closed in horror as he realized she was going to try and fight his battle for him. They had discussed her not butting into his misfortunate affairs in the past. Furthermore, she hadn't conveyed more than ten words to him in weeks, and now she wanted to defend him? She hadn't spoken to him at all, after giving him the most thrilling night of his life, and now she suddenly cared?

"All right Evans?" Said James trying to be cool, his voice becoming resonant and silky.

"Leave him alone," she repeated. "What's he done to you?"

"Well, its more the fact that he _exists_ if you know what I mean. . ."

Snape glared at the ground, bubbles sliding between his lips, as the laughter from the several onlookers reached his ears.

It was horrible enough that he had to endure this torture and humiliation at Potter's hand but why did so many people have to watch? Did they honestly have nothing better to do then gawk at him being beaten and bullied? He knew if the tables were turned, and someone else was being harassed, he wouldn't want to watch at all. In fact the whole concept of watching someone else being ganged up on, _four to one_, would most certainly bore him.

"You think you're funny but you're just an arrogant, bullying, toe-rag, Potter. Leave him _alone," _Lily said speaking the last word in a dangerous manner.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James offered, completely unfazed by her dark tone. "Go on, go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Severus' ears were ringing with anger as blood rushed in his head. His legs were currently stiff, still suffering the effects of the impedimenta jinx, as his arms regained moderate strength. He pulled his body slowly (as to not attract attention) towards his wand.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily, her face contorted in dislike and hatred.

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius muttered to James as he turned his attention back to Snape. "OY!"

Severus raised his wand as a flash of light erupted from its tip. A moment of extraordinary delight enwrapped him as blood sputtered from the vicious cut that had appeared on the side of James's face. The good feeling vanished quickly as Severus felt his body being lifted up by the ankle. As if Potter were punishing him for his defiance in defending himself. Severus was drowned with alarming dread, acknowledging the warm breeze of the day blowing against his upper thighs. His underwear revealed for the world to see. How could things possibly get any worse?

"Let him down," Lily commanded.

"Certainly," James said with a mild sneer on his face as he caused Severus to fall and crumble painfully to the floor.

Snape quickly straightened his clothes and stood, his wand raised by a slightly shaking hand. He was abashed when Black rose his wand and caused Severus' legs to lock together, throwing him off balance and sending him, once more, to the ground.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily screeched brandishing her own wand.

"Aw, Evans, don't make me hex you."

"Take the curse off him, then!" Lily insisted, taking a step closer to James in a formidable manner.

James sighed loudly and turned, muttering the counter curse at Snape.

"There you go," James said as Severs struggled to his feet once more. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus."

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" Snape seethed venomously. It had slipped out before he could stop himself. He glared at the ground, very angry with himself. Angry with Potter. Angry with Black. Even angry with Lily.

"Fine, I won't bother in the future" Lily said, her voice inscrutable, her face matching with ambiguity.

For a moment Severus thought that she wasn't even angry. That she understood that he was humiliated; enraged, and not thinking of what he was saying.

"And I'de wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_."

_There it was._

As the vile appellation left her lips Severus felt an odd pang in his chest. The sensation washed from his center and spread throughout his body, making him feel violated and oppressed. Why had he called her mudblood, Why? He was so tired of things being so constantly fucked. This instance being even more maddening since he had nothing but his own filthy mouth to blame.

"Apologize to Evans!" James clamored, stepping forward and pressing his wand inches from Snape's throat.

"I don't want _you_ to make him apologize! You're as bad as he is!"

"What?" James yelped, taken aback. "I'de never call you a— you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid snitch, walking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can. I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me _sick!" _She exclaimed, turning around, her hair whipping frantically as she stalked back over to her group of friends. Shaking her head as she approached them.

"Evans! Hey Evans—What is it with her?"

"Reading between the lines I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Sirius said, trying to reason for his distraught friend.

"Right," James said as if he didn't care. "Right—"

Severus was still standing where he had been, staring at Lily's retreated back. A cold feeling had erupted in his hands and feet as something told him he had really fucked up this time. He was so immersed in his self loathing that he had no time to react as he felt his body being hoisted into the air for the second time.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" James asked excitedly as Severus tried to reach his wand that was right below him in the grass. Sirius grabbed it instead and began twirling it in his hands.

"Let's do it with his own wand," Sirius jeered pointing the wand at it's owners debilitated body.

Severus closed his eyes, completely helpless to do anything to prevent the humiliation he knew was going to befall him. Tears of frustration stung his eyes as he allowed self pity to take hold of him. Swallowing hard, Severus could feel his underwear being pulled slowly down his legs. He refused to allow his welling tears to fall, unwilling to give his enemies the satisfaction. He clenched his teeth and balled his fists as his whole body vibrated in unadulterated loathing.

The onlookers were laughing and cheering, while Potter and Black were doubled over in hysterics. Severus looked over at Lily who was ignoring the whole scene behind her. That hurt more than anything Black or Potter could _ever_ do. . .

Severus lay on his bed, his pillow over his face, still suffering from the mortification he had experienced hours ago. He sighed shakily as the events, still so fresh, danced before his mind. Lily had looked so apathetic when he had called her a mudblood. It would have been better if she had screamed at him, pummeled him, told him he was the scum of the earth, but she didn't. She turned her back and walked away from him.

What was worse was that he called her a mudblood in front of Potter! Potter, who was head over heals in love with Lily. Potter, who asked Lily out on dates at least once a week. Potter, who was now going to go back to Gryffindor tower and comfort Lily for what the mean little Slytherin said to her. She might have expressed hatred for James in the past but who's to say she wouldn't accept his affection in light of recent events? He called her a mudblood, she no longer had any obligation to stay loyal to him. Friends didn't call friends mudbloods. . .

After a few hours of wallowing he threw his pillow at the foot of his bed and jumped off of it. He had to go speak to her, he had to apologize. She would surely understand. He walked briskly through the common room and out into the cold dungeon corridors. He ascended the many stairs to Gryffindor tower and waited for any Gryffindor to come along. He was pleased to see Mary McDonald round the corner not five minutes later.

"Mary," he said urgently "I need to speak with Lily."

"I don't think she wants to talk to you, Snape," Mary said, eyeing him apprehensively.

"I don't care what you think McDonald just go and fetch her! I'll spend all night out here if I have to!"

"Hold on, geez," Mary said as she slipped into the portrait hole and out of sight.

Severus paced the floor in complete and utter anticipation, hoping Lily would appear out of the pathway and not Mary bearing bad news. His heart skipped a beat as the portrait opened to reveal Lily in her night gown.

"What do you want?" She asked monotonously.

"I'm sorry," Severus said automatically.

"I'm not interested."

"_I'm sorry!_"

"Save your breath. I only came out here because Mary said you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you mudblood, it just—"

"Slipped out?" Lily asked her eyes languid in apathy. When he didn't say anything she shook her head letting a shaky sigh escape her lips. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can even understand why I talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends— you see, you don't even deny thats what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join you-know-who can you?"

Severus was taken aback by her little spiel. For one: the venom in her voice, the disgust, was enough to have him feel like vermin for the rest of his life. Two: she was extremely correct. He was eager to leave Hogwarts and immediately join The Dark Lord. He hadn't thought that would upset her as it obviously did. Joining the Dark Lord's ranks would make him belong to something greater than himself. It would be something only an able man would do. Someone without fear, someone who was going to be somebody. Not just anybody was permitted to adhere to the most powerful wizard of the age.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No— listen, I didn't mean—"

"To call me a mudblood? But you call everyone by my birth mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

Severus looked at the ground and opened his mouth only to close it again, on the verge of speech. Lily shook her head firmly and climbed back in the portrait, looking comprehensively disappointed.

Severus stood there, not able to feel anything for a long moment. Over the span of a minute his feet grew to feel like pins and needles while his hands developed the same sensation. His breathing was coming thickly as his chest tightened, his mouth numb and tingling. He rubbed his shaking hands together for a moment before bringing them up to his temples where he grabbed handfuls of his hair, shaking his head indefinitely. Was this really happening to him? Was she really going to just shut him out? _'You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.'_ It seemed pretty concrete. As his heart pounded against his rib cage, his body quivering, Severus drew in an unsatisfying breath before slowly turning around and walking a few steps away from Gryffindor tower. He looked back at the portrait as if expecting Lily to be there, her mind changed. She obviously wasn't.

Once back in the Slytherin common room Severus was overcome with such a bout of nausea he was forced to flee to the bathroom and wretch up everything his shaken body could muster. He wiped his watering eyes with the back of his hand as he closed the toilet seat and flushed it with a flick of his wrist. He collapsed on the floor, his face in his hands, knees drawn to his chest.

Tears threatened to fall from his eyes as he tortured himself by reliving the recent conversation with Lily. Furthermore, he couldn't help but remember_ that _Friday. How happy he was that night. How convinced he was that life was going to turn around. How wrong he had been. From being so hopeful then to so hopeless now was more than he could bear. The tears he was fighting to keep at bay stung his eyes and throat as he bit on his lower lip in turmoil. As soon as the first tear escaped, rolling down his face, he could hold his composer no longer. His sobs bounded against the empty bathroom walls echoing back into his ever attentive ears. As if taunting him for his stupidity and weakness. . .

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you enjoyed the second chapter to my story. I do apologize for it being somewhat repetitive in regards to 'Snape's Worst Memory' but it plays an important role in my story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

The last month of classes were perfectly agonizing and utterly unbearable. Potter had doubled his efforts of contorting Severus' life into hell since he called Lily a mudblood and now he didn't even have his best friend to seek solace in.

When Lily had said she was no longer going to concern herself with him she was indubitably serious. She had been angry with him in the past, consequently ignoring him, but would always end up forgiving him in the end. In the first week of his shunning it was all Severus could do to not break down in anxiety ridden fury, frustrated that this miserable situation was lasting more than forty-eight hours. Not sparing him a glance during lessons Lily seemed determined to ignore him completely. If their paths would cross in the halls she would pass right by, not seeing him, treating him as an absolute stranger. When he continued to attempt apologies she would shake her head and walk away as if he was some ridiculous first year begging for her attention, refusing to hear him out. Refusing to utter a single word in his direction. Severus was abducted by sorrow, engrossing him in a bitter disposition that was so severe that even his Slytherin associates scarcely wanted anything to do with him. In the final week of his fifth year he was feeling more isolated and alone than he had ever been before. . .

The sun was shining down on Severus' head and neck, encasing him in heat. He sat on his trunk, looking out at the castle for one last time before boarding the Hogwarts Express. He was looking forward to going home as one looked forward to walking the gallows, feeling even less welcome at his house than he ever did at school. At the very least Hogwarts contained classes to occupy his time and distract him from his tormented situations. At home his only diversion had been Lily. Now he had nothing.

Snape stood and stretched his limbs, ridding himself of stiffness, before picking up his trunk and rolling it over to the train crew's already hefty pile of other student's luggage. He was about to climb on board when he was pushed off balance, almost crashing off the high steps, as the door handle scratched him painfully in the small of his back as he hit the side of the train. He grimaced in pain as his hand awkwardly went to the place on his back where a small gash had appeared beneath his robes.

"Watch yourself, Snivellus," James Potter said, glaring at him bitterly as he mounted the steps. Sirius laughed vilely, spitting at Snape's feet, before following his friend up the steps. Peter Pettigrew guffawed after them, chasing his soul mates, babbling about how funny they both were. Remus Lupin stopped before the entrance, looking at Snape apologetically.

"After you," Remus said with a friendly smile on his lips. Severus stared at him with contempt, unmoving, until Lupin received the message and followed his friend's suit; boarding the train.

Severus was tense and uncomfortable, having his hand balled over his wand the entire time, only relaxing as he watched his prime enemies disappear from his sight. How he loathed the lot of them. He let out a lengthy breath of relief, the he was left unmolested, before clambering onto the train himself.

Squeezing past various students, he tried to find an empty compartment (or something relatively close). After some time of shoving his way down the aisle he found Avery and Rosier, figuring they were better company than anyone else or solitude for that matter, he let himself into the carrel.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Avery was saying, looking at Evan Rosier with amusement in his eyes.

"No, I swear," Rosier said, laughing and moving his bag so Snape could sit down. "Ask Severus, he's half muggle."

"Is it true that muggles worship some flaming hippie and think we're created by a talking— dead— entity?" Avery asked looking incredulous. Severus' mouth curled into a sneer and nodded.

"Yes, they call it Christianity. It's a religion of sorts with at least five different sects that all believe the same damn thing but claim to be different in subject matter. Its ludicrous," Snape said, settling himself next to Evan.

"But the part about the dirty hippie being who they worship, thats true?"

"Yes, the muggles refer to him as Jesus Christ. They like to believe that he was resurrected from the grave and then proceeded to cure them of all their sins or wrong doings—as well as turn water into wine. Leave it to muggles to bring alcohol into absolutely everything. Even their religion. They never mind that records indicate this Jesus character was a lonely carpenter with no magical or divine powers to speak of."

"And the talking dead guy creating them?"

"All true," said Snape.

"No shit?" Said Avery, a smile blooming on his face. "Muggles are dumber than I thought."

"See, thats what I was trying to tell you," Evan said leaning back, his hands behind his head, extending his legs and crossing them at the ankles. "Dumb ass creatures; should be put out of their misery and exterminated"

"We'll really give em someone to worship once we join up," Avery said with a chuckle, mimicking Evan's position of reclining his head and extending his legs.

"Certainly won't be some disheveled carpenter," Severus chimed, his sneer more pronounced, as they all began talking of their plans to join The Dark Lord's ranks after finishing school.

As the ride back to London progressed and the candy cart had come and gone twice, Avery, Snape, and Evan began playing poker to pass the time. Severus was a very good poker player, being able to keep his face inscrutably passive. Avery was the worst of the three, having already lost twelve galleons and was due to loose more in the hand being played.

Snape sat confidently, his cards elegantly sprawled out in his fingers, forming the image of a fan as Avery looked past his own cards, studying Severus' face, hoping to receive any indication that he might have a dismal hand

"I bloody fold," Avery said, slamming his cards down.

Evan also looked at Snape who returned his gaze with an ambiguous smirk on his lips. He had just added four sickles and a galleon to for his last wager, evident of an outstanding draw.

"I fold too," Rosier said angrily as Snape happily collected his winnings.

"I only had two pair by the way gentlemen," said Severus arrogantly, shoving the large sum into his pockets.

"Sod off, Snape," Evan said leaning his head against the window.

This comment elicited a hearty laugh from Severus as he reclined his head against the back cushion of the bench, closing his eyes momentarily. The lethargy and heavy sensation of sleep reigned through his mind as the bumping of the train rocked him soothingly.

"Hey, Snape," Avery said swatting his leg. Severus opened his eyes with a start and looked at Avery who was pointing to the door. His eyes followed Avery's extended finger to see Lily standing at the window. His heart fluttered as he gaped stupidly, completely shocked to see her there. He thought he was surprised to merely see her within ten yards of himself but was even more so when she undid the latch and let herself in.

"Sev, can we talk?" She asked abruptly, looking uncomfortably around the compartment.

"I— uh— well—yes, of course," he babbled standing up and following her out of the carrel. He silently followed her down the aisle, his mind racing with guesses as to why she might have summoned him to talk. She lead him all the way to the end of the section to the single occupant bathroom where she climbed in, pulling him inside after her. Slamming the door shut in his wake.

For a moment Severus' imagination claimed the better of him as he grew excited about being shut in such a small space with Lily. They hadn't spoken in weeks but that didn't revoke the chance of foreplay (or sex) taking place. In point of fact there wasn't much talking in sexual activity anyway. They were pressed close together, their knees almost touching, and Severus had the natural urge to wrap his arms about her waist and pull her to him in order to devour her lips. His vivid hallucination continued as he envisioned himself seated on the toilet seat, Lily straddling him fondly, grinding against his lap in heated lust. . .

"Look, firsts things first, what I'm about to tell you isn't going to change a bloody thing between us, do you understand?"

_Damn._

"What is it?" Severus asked, his erroneous daydreams shattering.

"Do you understand, Severus? I don't want to continue until you get that."

"I understand, Lily, damn," Severus said irritably, narrowing his eyes, subsequently glaring at the floor.

Of course she wouldn't want to mend their broken friendship. Of course she still wanted to make him feel like a swarm of ants infiltrating a picnic. Of course she had to make sure that he understood that she still outwardly despised him even though he was remarkably sorry. He didn't need her telling him that. He knew all too well that she hated him. One would think that Severus had suffered enough, but not her. Not Little Miss Gryffindor, stubborn as a jackass.

"Now, what is it?" Severus pressed.

"There's no easy way to say this," she said looking nervously about herself. Her green eyes darted to the occupied sign, the door handle, the walls, anything but Severus. " And I don't want you to flip out."

"What?" He mused.

"I'm pregnant," she said quietly, still not daring to look at him.

"It's not mine," he commented all too quickly.

Her expression hardened as she chewed the inside of her cheek. She stared at him as if he had sprouted extra ears and she hated him for it, her eyes judging his response. "It _is_ yours, Severus. I wouldn't be talking to you if it wasn't," she said formidably, her temper apparently rising. That obviously wasn't the reaction she was looking for from him.

"That's— that's just not possible," he said nervously, jerking his head to remove a strand of hair from his face. He couldn't be a father, no, that just couldn't happen. She was mistaken.

"How in the hell is it not possible?" She asked folding her arms in front of her and narrowing her eyes at him. "We had sex, and now I'm pregnant. It's a pretty easy puzzle, Severus."

"It isn't mine," he said again but with more vigor.

"There hasn't been anyone else lately so _yes_ it's _yours_!" She said, her anger becoming boisterous, manifested by her eyes being slivers and her foot fiercely tapping.

As the words left her lips Severus' denial washed away to be replaced with an atypical dread that quickened his pulse and tightened his chest. The concept slowly sunk in and there was no way to describe his mental state other than immaculate fear. There was a taste in his mouth like vinegar while his palms became clammy, his tongue going dry.

"_Merlin,_ " Severus moaned, pressing a hand to his head, his face draining of color as he leaned his back against the door for support. Frantic worry came over him confirmed by a cold sweat forming about his neck and upper lip. How could this be happening?

"That's more of the response I was looking for," stated Lily as she sat on top of the toilet seat, her chin in her hand.

"What are we going to do?" Severus asked, pulling his hands into fists for they began to shake. His head felt light as if he had completed rigorous exercise, buzzing with fervid intensity.

"I don't know," She said looking at her feet.

"Get rid of it!" he commanded urgently.

"I'm not taking an aborting solution!" She yelped, seemingly affronted he would even suggest it. "It's far too experimental and I could hurt myself!"

"It's a risk we'll have to take," Snape continued exigently.

"Easy for you to say," she began coldly. "It's not you so it's a risk worth taking."

"_What_?" He asked unable to believe his ears. Was she calling him selfish or was she insinuating he didn't care about her? '_It's not you so it's a risk worth taking'_. How could she peg him as so self absorbed?

"Look the last thing I need is you pushing abortion potions onto me and being so—so— _you_."

"What in the name of Merlin is that supposed to mean?" He asked, pushing himself off the support of the door.

His emotions shifted like an electrical current jumping from one circuit to the next. He was no longer feeling vulnerable, shocked, and frightened. He felt angry and cavalier. How dare she force this issue onto him? This wasn't his problem. Furthermore, how dare she insult him?_ 'I don't need you being so you'_. Where did she get off on saying such things? And to think, he wanted to touch her erotically not ten minutes ago!

"You know exactly what I mean. I don't need you being some immature lunatic who's going to be rude and sarcastic at every turn while having nothing but, let's say, abortion potions to bring to the table!"

"You've got some nerve springing this on me after not speaking to me for weeks," he said darkly, his expression livid.

Lily made a loud noise of disapproval. "You called me a mudblood, Severus!"

"But you—"

"No, Sev! You're not going to put this on me. You've no one to blame but yourself!"

"But you hadn't been speaking to me since before I called you mudblood," Snape indicated quickly.

"That well— that's different," she faltered, slightly taken aback.

"Why were you avoiding me, Lily?" Asked Snape, staring into her eyes with such intensity she looked away.

"I don't know," she answered meekly.

"Thats not good enough!" He cried, his temper flaring ever higher. "I won't accept that ans—"

"Because I was disgusted with myself and I couldn't look at you!" She blurted, tears welling in her eyes. "There are you happy?" She asked wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

Disgusted with herself? How could that be so? That night was the most magical of Severus' young life and it— disgusted her? He felt the rapids of humiliation coursing through him all too quickly. Color rose in his cheeks as he internally scolded himself for enjoying a night so exquisitely when it repelled Lily to the point of avoiding him. He should have known that no woman, especially Lily, could ever touch him and look at themselves in the mirror come morning. That would have been too grand a treat for life to bestow upon him.

Severus remained silent, after Lily's confession of aversion, causing the water-closet to be filled with such an intense ambiance it was shocking it didn't burst into flame.

"Look, this is going nowhere," Lily said dabbing her eyes with her index fingers, trying to sound nonchalant, before opening the door. "We can figure out the fine details over the summer, I'll see you around," she said, exiting the restroom, walking down the aisle and leaving him all alone—_again_. . .

Lily walked as far as the train would allow, attempting to put as much space between herself and Severus. Tears were laden in her green eyes as she opened the opaque door to the outer caboose. She flung herself out and was stopped by the safe-gate as she watched the passing railway, hoping the active wind would cleanse her mood. This situation, being pregnant at sixteen, was bad enough but why did it have to be Severus' child? _It just wasn't fair! _Why did it have to be the child of the man who thought of her as a mudblood, was insufferably bitter, and wanted nothing more than to join You-Know-Who? Not only was she concerned, and scared shitless, about giving birth to a baby she was dreadfully bothered that she might not care for the infant because of who's it was. Lily brought her hands to her lower abdomen and pressed gently, attempting to feel something for the fetus within. To her complete dismay all she felt was frigidity. Severus' seed was cold within her, causing fresh tears to spill over her eyes. Her legs grew weak beneath her as she sobbed uncontrollably, compelling her to kneel on the small platform in complete emotional agony. . .

Severus stood in the small bathroom trying to control his ramped agitation by breathing slowly through his nose and expelling the air fluidly. His thoughts were moving swiftly as he contemplated chasing after her. He wanted to go forth and talk to her further. Discuss her erroneous abhorrence and the abominable child that festered in her womb. Something within told him that was a bad idea and that he should provide her with space. He took in a breath, letting it out in a vicious sigh, before leaving the bathroom and going back to his compartment to stew in his newly discovered plight.

The rest of the train ride was distressful at best and Severus could barely contain himself for his disastrous emotions. The Hogwarts Express rolled to a stop with a hiss as Severus sprang up from his seat, leaving Avery and Rosier with a meager farewell. He bombarded himself through the sea of students, waited impatiently to claim his trunk, and set off from platform nine and three-quarters in a slump.

His eyes scanned the parking lot, moving over the many colored cars and muggles, until they rested on an acidic gangly women with long dark hair and skin paler than milk: his mother. He bowed his head and pressed on towards her, lugging his trunk behind him.

"Let's go," Eileen said as he approached her, his eyes firmly on the ground.

She didn't look pleased to see her son, nor did she seem discontent. It was as if the fact that he had returned after many months of absence simply existed. She had an aura of obligation about her as if she was concluding a simple quest she had set off to perform. Eileen placed her hand around Severus' upper arm, clamping down on the thin appendage, with a vice like grip before apparating with a crack.

As they appeared within the living room of three thirty Spinner's End Severus inhaled deeply, forgetting just how much he disliked the aroma of his house. It smelled of rotting cigarette butts and filthy animals despite them not even owning a dog. Not much had changed since he had last been there, the same threadbare sofa displayed in the middle of the room accompanied by a rickety coffee table. The same mundane white walls, stained with dirt and remnants of cobwebs. There was the familiar fog of cigarette smoke in the air giving the room it's signature depressing haze. The same awkward photographs, perched on the mantle, of himself and his family, looking quite unhappy. His father occupying his favorite seat at the dining table, smoking, reading the muggle news paper, refusing to acknowledge Severus' return. Merlin, he hated this place.

"Dinner will be ready in half an hour," Eileen informed him as she disappeared into the kitchen, busying herself with cooking.

Severus swallowed hard before ascending the stairs up to the first room on the left, his domain. He set his trunk in the closet, kicking the door closed before reacquainting himself with his bedroom. The four bare and slightly yellowed walls were more claustrophobic than he had recalled, giving off the atmosphere of a jail cell. The smeared window in the corner, directly over the radiator, was for ever filthy, the sill decorated with dust and insect carcasses. The floor creaked, the ceiling was cracked, and the insulation horrid. His poor excuse of a bed stood before him and squeaked loudly as he lowered himself onto it. He sighed deeply, nonchalantly rubbing his hands together. Well, there were only two and half months left of summer. . .

Lily went directly to her room after a short visit with her family, burying her face deep within her pillow. Her head was pounding within her skull, her sinuses clogged from weeping. She knew she had to talk to Severus again soon which made her feel fervently rotten and unexpectedly tired. No matter how much she thought about it, trying to accept it, Lily could not move past the fact that she was chained to Severus for life now. Tethered through the duration of their child's existence. It had taken so much in her to end their friendship, knowing it was the best thing for her, and now she was going to have to associate with him indefinitely. She would have simply shut him out if it weren't for the fact that it wouldn't be fair to the baby, robbing it of a father. It still remained to be seen what kind of father Severus would make although she had a good idea. Perhaps it would be better off without him. . .

The next morning Lily awoke feeling weak and nauseated, sending her straight for the toilet bowl. She indeterminately wretched up bile and saliva, having nothing else within her to give. In the beginning of her first term, before she knew she was pregnant, the daily trips to the bathroom were intolerable. It was safe to say she was accustomed to them at this point, being two months in. She closed the toilet seat, wiping her mouth delicately before moving straight to the sink to rinse her mouth of the sick and brush the bitter taste away. She combed her long red hair and stared into her own eyes within the mirror. Taking a step back she lifted her shirt and turned to examine herself from the side, looking for any indication of a hump. Her stomach was still flat, showing no signs of her tender condition.

Once dressed and fed she left her home in a hurry, beginning her daunting task of walking to Spinner's End to speak to Severus once more. She inadvertently shuddered as she recalled the events of their last chat. Hopefully the conversation she intended to instigate wouldn't end in such hopelessness. She had never been to his home before. It being one of Severus' silly rules that she was not allowed in or around his house. She would have _loved_ to see him try and enforce that one given the present circumstance. . .

Severus sat at the dining table with a bowl of cereal, gone soggy, in front of him. The Daily Prophet was held firmly in his hand although his eyes weren't moving with reading. He was trying to ignore his parent's argument, prevailing miserably.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a bluh'y shtupid mugg'ow!" Tobias bellowed as he threw the kitchen door open with a bang, causing it to hit the plaster on the wall with a frightful crunch. His father was in a bad mood that morning (not like it was different any other morning) for he couldn't drink before work.

Tobias Snape was a tall man, wide in stature (mainly from all the manuel labor he performed on a daily basis) with the same jet black hair and hooked nose he passed on to Severus. His Northern English accent was strong for he didn't attempt to suppress it as his son often did. Tobias was dressed in his mangled work boots and dilapidated factory clothes, both ravished by large grease marks and oil stains.

He thundered to the dining table and stood before Severus. "Move!" He barked, snapping his fingers irritably. Severus immediately stood up, allowing his father to sit at the head of the table. He moved a seat over, setting his bowl and paper down accordingly, eyeing his father as he sat drumming his fingers and bouncing his knee with impatience.

" 'Urry up Eileen, I'm gon'be late," his father yelled.

As if on cue, Eileen proceeded through the door, a plate of ham and eggs in hand.

"Here," she said coldly, dropping the plate with a clatter before sitting down opposite Severus at the small table. The room filled slowly with smoke as Tobias lit a cigarette. Severus recalled the smell of cigarette smoke used to give him a head ache but at this point in his life, at sixteen, he was all too used to it.

"Pu' tha' away," Tobias snapped at Severus, indicating the Daily Prophet.

Severus clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes in irritation before folding the paper and placing it a few inches to the side of him. He didn't understand his father's no-reading-at-the-table rule. It's not as if they ever had decent conversation.

"An' wipe tha' look off ya face before I smack i'off," he threatened dangerously. "Ya know yer not suppose' t'be readin' at ma tab'ow."

Severus dropped his head in submission, glaring at the floor, fearing the concept of angering his father. Tobias was a firm believer in corporal punishment and did not hesitate to raise a hand to his son.

His mother was no better, having been raised in a classical pure blood home. If a child misbehaved they were punished with lashings, namely by means of magic. Which in Severus' opinion hurt far more exquisitely then his father's silly belt. It seemed the only thing the two agreed on was beating good behavior into their son. Everything else they discussed or did usually ended in argument.

The tense moment at the table was quickly interrupted by three raps on the door. Severus looked from his lap towards the threshold. Tobias continued eating as if no one had knocked. Eileen stood and walked towards the door, opening it resultantly.

"Is Severus home?" The voice of Lily asked.

Snape maneuvered his head to get a glimpse of whom ever was speaking. Seeing quite plainly, through the gap between his mother and the doorframe, the fiery red hair and a long slender arm. He knew it had been Lily by her voice but was hoping, perhaps foolishly, that it wasn't.

"He is," Eileen replied curtly. "What, may ask, is your business with him?"

"I was uh—wondering if I could speak with him?" Lily inquired meekly. She had never actually spoken to Mrs. Snape before, she had only seen her at platform nine and three-quarters, and it was easy to see that Lily felt uncomfortable in her presence.

"Obviously," Eileen said raising a scrutinizing brow. "Concerning what?"

"I—uh—well— I mean— do you think I could just see him?"

"Do _you_ think you could answer my simple question," Eileen asked, blocking Lily's view of the dining table as she made every indication she was trying to find Severus' gaze to rescue her from the awkward conversation at hand.

"Mother, please," Severus murmured somberly, causing Eileen's head to turn like a whip in his direction. Severus' gaze automatically bowed to the floor from her stern look, only his eyes shifting towards his mother. She turned her attention back to Lily, ignoring her sons pleas.

"What's your business?" She asked again.

Lily looked bewildered for she was unable to blurt out the true intentions of her visit. That would indubitably end in chaos and quite possibly murder. Mrs. Snape already appeared to be in a sour mood.

"Its sort of— I just wanted to talk to him," Lily said, folding her arms self-consciously about her.

"So you've stated you stupid girl. If you cannot muster an avid reason as to what you wish to discuss with my son I don't see why you should be wasting his time. Now get off my property," Eileen snapped tersely, slamming the door in her face causing Lily's eyes to widen in shock at such rudeness.

Lily stood semi-dazed and flustered, unable to believe what had just happened. How could one woman be so nasty? Her eyebrows furrowed as it became all to clear where Severus received his demeanor from. How could he not be abrupt with nothing but that wench for example since childhood? She sighed deeply before turning and walking down the two steps back to the sidewalk. She was half a block away when she heard her name being called.

"Lily!" Severus yelled, jogging to meet her. Lily turned and waited for him as he approached. "Sorry about that," he said after a moment of them standing silently.

"Is she always like that?" Lily asked coldly, glaring at Severus' house.

"Yes," he said quickly, clasping his hands behind his back.

"Even to you?"

"_Especially_ to me."

"I'm sorry," Lily said, unable to imagine how angry and frustrated she would be if her own mother was as vulgar as Mrs. Snape.

"It's of no importance," he said waving his hand dismissively. "You said you wanted to speak with me."

"Yeah," she said as she began walking, Severus at her side. "I wanted to continue our conversation from yesterday. I know it didn't go so well, we were both short, but Sev, we really need to figure out what we're going to do about this."

"I stand where I did then. Aborting it would be the best solution," Severus suggested, mimicking Lily as she sat on a vacant bus-stop bench.

"I'm not aborting the baby so you can just put that out of your mind," she snapped, glaring at the sidewalk. "Merlin, what is it with you?"

"What do you mean?" Severus asked sounding offended.

"I've already told you I wasn't taking an abortion potion on the train yet you're still trying to force the notion down my throat."

"I'm not forcing anything. It was merely—a suggestion. . ." he said trailing off slightly as Lily scoffed.

"I'm not having an abortion. Besides it's not the baby's fault we were careless. It doesn't deserve to die for our mistake."

"Yes, yes, okay," said Severus irritably, folding his arms over his chest. "Since you seem so keen to carry this spawn to term what about adoption?"

Lily couldn't help but smile at his tone and choice of words. It really was a spawn, the spawn of Severus Snape.

"I've considered it but have you heard those stories about adoptive parents collecting babies for satanic rituals and stuff?"

"No, I can't say I've heard such stories," Severus said, a patronizing smirk on his lips.

"Well, it happens," she said while crossing her arms defiantly in front of her.

"That seems like a highly irrational fear if you ask me," Severus said looking at Lily who's face was pouty and flustered.

"Maybe so but what if the parents act all nice in front of us but turn out to be pure blooded maniacs who teach the baby to hate muggle borns and anyone else who isn't the same as them?"

"You think your judge of character is so lax?"

"_No_, Severus, people can lie. People can, I don't know, be. . ."

"Evil?" he finished for her.

"Yeah," she said looking away from him. A moment of thick silence passed between them.

"Well, it sounds as if you've made your decision, Lily. Seems like you're set on keeping it."

"I guess I am," she said whimsically. "Are you, like, okay with that? I mean you don't have to help out if you don't want to. I'm not going to force you to be in the baby's life if you'd rather not."

"I'm not going to abandon you to raise it alone," he stated looking out at the road rather than at Lily. "It's my mistake as much as yours."

"So, we're going to raise it then?" Lily asked gingerly.

"It appears so," he said, looking passive yet feeling nervous.

"It's gonna be okay," she said looking into the distance

"Yeah, I sure as hell hope so. . ."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I do hope you enjoyed the third installment of A Beleaguered Life. From here things are really going to pick up since we've reached our plot point.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:**  
I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

A fortnight and a half lumbered by since the abominable conversation where Severus and Lily made the paramount and almost hasty decision that they were going to attempt to raise the baby that grew, for ever more real, with each day, inside of Lily's womb. Both teenager's were endlessly on edge, their tempers short while they simmered in their own fear and regret. Each, in turn, suffered solitude in their plight for no one else knew about the child they intended to parent.

Severus, for the most part, spent his days shut up in his room reading volumes on dark arts and potions or festering in turmoil, biting his nails, trying to convince himself that the child coming was a good thing. He attempted to suppress his emotions of apprehension and agitation to replace them with approval and grace. Some days he was able to go about assuring himself that the baby would be born, he and Lily would get along better, and they would be happy together. Be the family that he had always envisioned they would be one day. He allowed himself the pleasure of pretending that Lily would fall in love with him for the sake of the baby. Would she deny the child the experience of a stable household with a mother and father who were happily married and deeply in love? The notion set well with him that the child could be the proverbial ticket he had always been waiting for. The means that would send Lily straight into the embrace of his unconditional love for her. Women were into that kind of thing, after all. The concrete family, the loving husband, the perfect house.

Other days, less satisfying days, Severus was unable to comfort himself with the visions of his love induced imagination. He did consider the child as a doorway to Lily's heart but the emotions of love for the child continued to elude him. The thought of what happiness the child could bring excited him. The child itself, in lamest terms, pissed him off. It was going to be loud, rancid, weak, expensive, helpless, and an assortment of other unpleasant adjectives. Furthermore, he was certain that if he wasn't able to muster affection for his unborn son or daughter that Lily would want less to do with him than she already did. Which wasn't much at all. They hadn't spoken to each other in weeks. . .

Lily found herself consistently nervous and perpetually apprehensive since the smallest signs of pregnancy were beginning to show about her body. She had gained at least seven pounds and her stomach had the faintest of bulges. Her skin would glow radiantly, her mother having commented on it several times throughout the summer. _Merlin, her mother_!

Rose Evans was the reason for her insatiable nerves. Since she was showing obvious signs of pregnancy she knew the time to confide in her mother about her delicate condition was approaching. It was almost a blessing that her father was deceased a year over so as to not have to suffer the scrutiny of both parents. She was unsure about several aspect of revealing her plight but what she was certain of was she didn't want to face the task alone. She definitely wanted witnesses present incase the conversation ended in chaos. Choice of partners for the job were slim because there was only one who fit the bill. This fact tortured her because she wanted, no needed, Severus to be there with her when she finally told her mum. It was appalling to her that the one that thought of her as a mudblood was somebody who she wanted by her side in this hardest of times. Disdain aside, her hate for who he had become was out weighed by her fear of telling her mother about the pregnancy alone. This is what prompted her to call him on that dreary Sunday morning. . .

Severus was in the kitchen making tea, as his mother had instructed him. The kitchen was a small room with four white walls, browning at the tops and bottoms near the paneling, scratched and scathed with long dark markings. The dirty floor, freckled with crumbs, was checkered with black and white tiles, several of them cracked or completely missing. There was a small wooden counter to the right of the room, parallel to the old-fashion, crusty, gas stove to the left. The dilapidated cupboards and drawers were ill-placed on the back wall next to the swinging kitchen door. The drawers were stacked at five, towering one over the other. The cupboards, filling the remaining space to the left, were painted a dull white, chipped and cracked with age. A large house spider inhabited the stained window above the rusty sink, on the far wall, which rested between the counter and the stove.

He called into the living room, inquiring if his mother would like milk in her drink or not. His mind growled in defiance as he mulled over the question of why she couldn't make her own fucking tea as he poured the hot water and tea leaves into the cup. He roughly dumped the milk in, scowling as he carried it out to his mother. She didn't even bother to acknowledge him as he approached, rigidly sitting at the dining table, a book opened before her.

"Tea," he spat, setting it on the table a bit more forcefully than he had intended. The drink splashed over the rim of the cup, sprinkling Severus' hand and the table with hot water. Eileen glared at his hand as he withdrew it, the sprinkles of hot water itching his skin.

"Clean it up," she ordered, not bothering to thank him for making the tea nor bringing it to her. Severus suppressed a groan of irritation, stomping huffily into the kitchen, grabbing a towel, and moodily sopping up the spilt tea.

_"Why couldn't she have cleaned it with a flick or her wand,"_ he thought angrily, his eyes narrowed, his rage very apparent. _" Enjoys pissing me off no doubt."_

"Hey," Eileen interjected dangerously, grabbing his chin with a vice like grip, forcing his head to turn and meet her gaze. "I won't have such insubordination coming from you. No son of mine is going to barge about this house acting like some contumacious troll, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Mother," he said through partly clenched teeth, unable to calm his fiery mood.

"You'll do well to correct that attitude of yours, Severus, or you'll regret it. You're not too old yet for me to use the Baculus Charm," she spat, throwing his head to the side as the phone rang loudly throughout the house. "Answer that."

Severus stormed from the dining room and into the kitchen, his blood boiling, as he picked up the receiver.

"What?" He snapped at the unknown person on the other end.

"Do you always answer the phone that way?" Lily asked, sounding affronted yet ammused.

"Lily?" He asked, confirming the voice as hers.

"Of course, who do you think it is?" She asked.

"How did you get this number?" He asked incredulously, unable to keep the bewilderment out of his voice.

"The phone book of course—how are you?"

"I'm fine. How's— everything?"

"Oh everything's outstanding," she said, the comment sounding forced.

"Well, what do you want? I'm confident you didn't go through the trouble of researching the phone book to call here for pleasantries."

"Perceptive as ever, Severus," Lily said, sounding slightly bored. "Listen, I have a favor to ask you if you're willing."

"And what favor might that be?"

He was unsure of what favor Lily could possibly ask of him. Of course he would be willing to do absolutely anything she requested of him but he was mildly surprised she was asking at all. As she stated on the train and as her behavior from the past few weeks indicated nothing had changed between them since the mudblood day. Perhaps this was the beginning of her forgiving him? Perhaps this was the start of their romantic entanglement?

"Well, hmm—I haven't exactly gotten around to telling my mum about my—our situation. I guess I was wondering if you would, I don't know, be there when I tell her?"

A few seconds of silence passed as Severus' heart glowed with the rapture of being coveted. Lily wanted him with her when she told her mother, a daunting, frightening, and highly personal task. The fact that she wanted him with her, in that most horrifying event, had to mean nothing but good. Why would she want someone she completely hated with her in such a disconcerting postion? This had to indicate their relationship was improving. Perhaps things were going to to turn out well after all.

"I—You haven't told Rose yet?" Severus asked, trying to mask his merriment.

"Oh, and like your mum is privy to all this?"

"Point made," Severus said before drawing a shaky breath. " Well, I suppose it would be one of my many duties when it comes to— all of this."

"My thoughts exactly!" Lily said, sounding genuinely relieved. "Wanna come by at like one o'clock?"

"One sounds fine," he replied.

Lily uttered a quick goodbye before the phone went silent. He hung up the receiver before making to ascend the stairs to his bedroom, when his mother's icy voice stayed his steps.

"Who was that on the phone?" She asked, already standing from the table, walking towards Severus, a suspicious look on her face. Snape felt his recent happiness fade as the familiar anger and irritation returned with pangs that pushed against his chest; clamping on his heart.

"It was a friend."

"What friend? That whore of a red head from the other week?" She asked, now standing on the first step, Severus directly in front of her on the second. Snape's head jerked slightly as his jaw clenched and his muscles tensed. How dare she call Lily such names?

"Yes," he whispered, glaring at the floor, his temper seething to new heights.

"And what favor is she beseeching of you?" His mother asked. She had obviously eavesdropped.

"That's none of your business," Severus snapped before he could stop himself, a flare of his blazing temper and rage shining through.

There was a crack like a whip as Eileen drew her wand and through it across the air, causing Severus' head to fly accordingly. A whirlwind of black hair, surging viciously, as the magic hit him like a slap to the face. Spots danced in front of his eyes as his mind went uncharacteristically blank. He didn't dare bring his hand up to touch the stinging skin, standing very still instead, accepting his punishment. He slowly rose his head to look into his mother's face, trying to keep his expression passive (when all he wanted to do was hex her).

"What favor did she ask of you?" Eileen pressed again as if the abuse hadn't taken place. He remained silent. "Speak, Severus."

"She wants me to accompany her to do—something."

"She wishes for you to accompany her to do_ something_?" Eileen repeated, looking at her son with disbelief. "Are you going to give me a suitable answer, Severus, or am I going to be forced to draw one out with legilimency?"

Severus' whole body clamped at the prospect of his mother finding out about Lily's pregnancy through occlumency instead of from his own mouth. A small breeze of acceptance fluttered through him as he contemplated allowing Eileen to find out via mental penetration. She was going to crucify him either way so why endure the agony of voicing his mistake? His more prominent consciousness knew this was malarky and that revealing his plight himself was the the more suitable route; the safer course. Why did she have to be so nosy? Why could she not just leave him alone?

"Mother," he cooed, his voice forlorn, his eyes begging her to drop the matter.

"Your disinclination to tell me is only deepening your trouble," she said, her eyes clearly responding to his request: '_no'_.

"I'm not sure of what I should tell you," he answered honestly. He knew he would have to tell her sooner or later but was at a complete loss for words on how to bring to her attention that he was to become a father at sixteen.

"The truth will do," she said quickly. "And don't you lie to me. If you do, I shall know," she threatened.

It was true, his mother could almost always tell when she was being lied to. Being accomplished in both legillimency and occlumency didn't leave much room for deceit when it came to his mother.

"What favor has she asked of you?" Eileen questioned again.

"She—I—she wants for me to be with her when she tells her mother of a serious matter."

"What does this matter have to do with you?"

"She's pregnant," he said quietly; rapidly. He avoided his mother's gaze at all costs.

"How is that your problem?" Eileen asked, eyeing him suspiciously. When Severus didn't answer her fears were confirmed.

So," Eileen began dangerously. "Impregnated her did you?" She waited for a moment. "Answer me, Severus."

"Yes, Mother," he whispered, still not daring to meet her scrutiny.

"You idiot," she said darkly, her voice barely audible.

Severus knew that the angrier his mother was, the quieter she became. He risked a glance at her and found her face was contorted into such rage a visible tremor surged through him. Reeking havoc through his already troubled mind. Her face was paler than usual, her lips quivering. Her eyes, boring into him viciously, were disfigured with such an intensity they bordered on demonic.

"How could you be so carless?"She whispered, stepping up a stair, closing the mere five inches they had parting them in the first place. "I've taught you better than this."

"I know."

"Do _not_ interrupt me. How could you have do this to yourself? Do you even understand what you've done? This child will mean the end of your life as you know it. You won't achieve half as much as you would without being chained to that harlot and her illegitimate brat," she paused, a moment of dismay flashing over her features.

"You had such_ promise_, Severus. You're intelligent—or so I thought. Life could have taken you anywhere. You could have became anyone, but no! You went and put any bright future to rest when you decided to think with your penis instead of your more qualified mind. Wasting your gifts for what? Some muggle born trash who wouldn't even remember you after five minutes if she had her way? What goes on in your head, you stupid careless boy?"

How dare she refer to Lily by such monstrous and vulgar names and ways? How could she say that Lily meant the end of any future worth living? This child was a god send, forcing Lily to be present in his life forever. She was unable to avoid him because she was disgusted by him. Unable to ignore him because he called her a mudblood, for he was the father of her child. For all his suffering and woe this was ultimately a highlight. It wasn't exactly what he had in mind for his and Lily's future but he was in no position to be picky. If anything, this was going to vastly improve his life.

Eileen stepped down from the stairs walking stiffly over to the couch. "I knew from the minute you started running around with that trash she would bring you nothing but malcontent. How could you do this?" She asked again.

"I'm sorry," Severus said vacantly. He could think of nothing else to say. The tension was thicker than morning fog as both mother and son glowered in opposite directions.

"You're sorry?" Eileen asked, her mouth curling into an incredulous sneer as she shook her head before turning to look at Severus. "_I'm_ sorry. I've always hoped that you wouldn't make the same bleeding mistakes I did. Having you so young was possibly the gravest error I ever made. I thought you would look about this house, this _family_, look at my life and strive to do everything differently. I suppose I was wrong. Looks like, for all my trouble, you're going down the same path that I did. I _had_ potential as you did. I married a muggle, you're the father of a mudblood's brat. I became a parent at a young age. . ." she trailed off shaking her head.

Severus remained silent for several minutes before gaining the nerve to speak.

"May I go to my bedroom now?" He asked, forcing his voice to appear respectable and not demonstrate the rage he felt within.

"I think that's a good idea," she said, looking away from him coldly.

Severus jumped into action, skipping every other step in his haste to leave the painful situation. He slammed his door, striding over to his desk, and kicking it forcefully before sitting down in the chair, clutching at his robes absent-mindedly.

Anger simmered in his heart, pumping it to all other quadrants of his body. His face felt hot and his hands were cold. His legs were jittering uncontrollably while his stomach contorted in knots. There was a sensation pulsing through him that gave Severus the distinct impression he was going to explode. Rolling his neck, he looked out the window, wishing he could be anywhere else instead of here. Here: where everything was shit. Here: where he felt lonely and spited. Here: where nobody cared and nobody wanted him. He was monstrously relieved when one o'clock chimed on the clock and he had a reason to leave his house and travel over to Lily's, where he _was_ wanted. Even if it was for just one simple favor. . .

Severus was pleased to be free of the confines of his home as he knocked on Lily's door, stepping back as he heard commotion within. He was less than excited about the task before him, having had a hefty dose of parental dismay that morning. However, if he could suffer his own mother's reaction, Lily's mother's should be no problem at all. It would be tolerable but that didn't excuse how little he wanted to do it.

"I'll get it," said the muffled voice of Lily as her footsteps approached the door. The scratching of the locks reached his ears before the door swung open, revealing Lily dressed in grey cotton shorts and a large white T-shirt. The shorts revealed a good deal of her long legs, flawlessly sculpted and free of any imperfections. The exposure caused a lump to rise in Severus' throat as he resisted the urge to devour her with his eyes. _Must she look so appealing all of the time?_

"Hey, Sev," she said, giving him an apologetic look, knowing all to well the reason of his visit. "Come in."

He walked past her, as she shut the door, looking around at Lily's house. It was at least three times larger than his own and more than ten times cleaner. The sitting room was the area of entrance, perfectly arranged with cushioned white leather sofas complete with matching arm chairs. Fancy lamps stood in the corners along with decorative house plants that gave the room a pleasant flowery aroma that contrasted nicely with the scent of fresh powder that hung in the air. The carpeted stairs lay on to the right. The large baluster encircling the upper floor tastefully.

"How are you feeling?" Lily asked folding her arms to her body.

"I've been better," he said, his palms developing a thin film of sweat over them.

"Me too," Lily said meekly before walking briskly past him. "Let's get this over with."

Lily led him into the large well lit kitchen where her mother was gaily preparing iced tea.

Lily's mother, Rose, was a petite woman with the same fiery red hair as her daughter. With an unrealistically happy disposition, Severus had never seen her display any glimpse of anger or any emotion other than complete love and perfect merriment towards Lily. Severus was pretty certain that that was going to change today. Yes, her light mood wouldn't last for much longer.

"Mummy, can I talk to you for a minute?" Lily asked, her tone cautious and sweeter than usual.

"What is it?" Rose asked, letting her ladle fall into the pitcher as she leaned against the counter. Concern filled her eyes as she sensed a heavy topic yet to come.

"Well, mummy, I—uh we— we have to tell you something very important."

"Ye-e-es?" Her mother asked slowly, sounding fearful and suspicious. Severus was slightly convinced she knew what was going to be revealed.

"Well—you see—Severus and me, well we—"

"I think its best if you just say it," Severus offered, since she was struggling so exquisitely.

"I'm—p-pregnant," she said as if it had been torn from her mouth.

Once the words were spoken they hung in the air like smog, filling the room with a silence so uncomfortable Severus felt violated just being there.

"Y-you're what?" Rose stuttered, a look of anguish falling over her usually blissful face.

"I'm so sorry, Mummy," Lily cried, covering her face with her hands as her slight form shuddered. Rose looked from Lily, who was now shaking her head while tears fell from her eyes, to Severus, who calmly met her gaze.

"You got my daughter pregnant?" She asked darkly.

"I assure you, I didn't do it alone," he said, eliciting a loud sob from Lily.

It didn't take a certified genius to see that Rose wanted to place all the blame with Severus. He had no intention of allowing that to happen. Rose had never particularly warmed to him, thinking him abrasive and nasty since the age of ten. It would be all too easy to blame him for this mess when there were really two at fault.

"Now is not the time to use that smart mouth of yours," Rose said, eyeing Severus with dislike. "What do you intend to do with the child?" She asked, turning her attention to her bemoaning daughter, anger and disappointment obvious in every syllable.

"We're going t-to k-keep it," Lily hiccoughed.

"Of course you are!" Rose exclaimed in sarcastic cheer. "Why wouldn't you be? There's nothing else you should be concentrating on at sixteen. Graduating isn't an issue, babies are definitely the first priority. Finding a suitable job? Oh that can wait! _Everyone_ knows adolescence is secretly reserved for having babies!"

"Mummy, please don't be angry," Lily reasoned, searching her mother's face for understanding.

"I'm not angry Lily— I'm deeply disappointed in you, in _both_ of you. I thought I taught you better than that. My trust in you is damaged, Lily, to say the least. "

"I understand," Lily sniffed. "Believe me, Mummy, I— uh we know we've made a mistake but there's nothing we can do to change it now. The past is the past. I know I'm still a kid and I don't pretend to know what I'm getting myself into. I don't know anything about babies but what I do know is I'm going to need your help during this. I hope you'll be there for me."

Severus was, at the very least, impressed by her dramatic soliloquy.

"Of course I'm going to help you, sweet heart, I'm your mother," Rose said sternly, her eyes becoming glossy with something mixed between empathy and scrutiny. "I'm not going to abandon you when you need me the most. I'm just at a loss—Where did I go wrong? Were you looking for some kind of affection that I wasn't providing?"

"No," Lily cried urgently, looking nothing short of bewildered. "It's nothing you did at all."

Severus was feeling more and more awkward as the conversation progressed. For one: he felt extremely uninvolved. Secondly: he felt as if he was trespassing on a very intimate moment that wasn't intended to be witnessed by other's. Of course, Lily did ask him to be there, so why did he feel so out of place? He distracted and busied himself with a string dangling from his robes (which he wore even in the summer for lack of clothing that fit) to try and cure himself of the nitpicking tension.

Rose sighed incessantly, placing her hands on her hips. "I just can't believe you traded your promising future for one moment of. . ." she trailed off shaking her head and leaving the kitchen.

"That was some performance," Severus said, looking at Lily with amusement in his eyes.

"Oh, shut up," she said, sitting on one of the two wooden stools in front of the counter, resting her elbow on top of it, her chin in her hand. "Now is not the time."

Severus' mouth curled into a smile, vanishing instantly as Rose returned to the kitchen, an address book in her hand.

"The both of you come sit down here," she said, pulling up a chair at the extravagant dining table. Lily gave Severus a shy look before obeying her mother and sitting at the table. Severus followed suit, jaw clenched and pulse racing. He had anticipated the conversation to be over.

"Part of having a child is planning," Rose began as Severus took his seat, looking at the far wall instead of Mrs. Evans. "What have you two decided about this baby, other than that you're keeping it?"

"Like what do you mean?" Lily asked.

"Where is the baby going to live? How do you plan on paying for the necessities? Are you two planning on living together, if so, which house? Are you going back to school when term starts? Where are you going to have the baby? These are all things you have to decide early on so when the time comes you'll have a plan at the very least."

"Oh— Er— you know— we just thought—"

"My point exactly," Rose said with a sigh as Lily fell silent. "First order of business is getting you looked at. Severus, would you hand me the phone?"

Snape looked about him until his eyes fell on the cream colored telephone sitting directly behind him on a small wooden side table.

"Thank you," she said, receiving the phone and flipping through her address book. "I know the perfect O. B. physician, Dr. Doherty," she said thoughtfully, skimming the many little white pages.

"Don't you think it would be better suited for Lily to be seen by a healer at St. Mungos?" Severus asked.

Rose looked up from her book to gaze at the boy who had gotten her precious daughter into this blimey mess. He, however, did not look back, eyes fixed on the table as if nothing else existed.

"What is St. Mungos?"

"A hospital obviously, Mrs. Evans," Severus said silkily, his gaze raising to meet hers. Lily gave him a hard look that said, _'stuff it,Sev'_. He inhaled sharply through his nose and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "It's a hospital for people of our kind, witches and wizards that is."

"That's all good and well but I doubt a—healer could do anything more than a doctor could."

"Hardly," Snape scoffed. "That's like saying a man who provides care to cats and dogs could just as well tend to humans. Lily's a witch, she should be seen by someone of our kind. Someone who would _understand_ her."

It was all too obvious Mrs. Evans was on the verge of throwing Snape out of the house. Furthermore, it was apparent that she ardently despised Severus referring to Lily and himself as _'our kind'. _Grouping them together as if Rose had no notion of understanding her daughter and what was best for her. In addition to both already agitating agendas he was a sarcastic, rude, little bugger, unable to hold his contemptuous tongue.

"She's also _my_ daughter," Rose retorted, sounding as if a '_you brat'_ should have been attached. "I want her seen by someone I trust. I happen to know that Lily will be safe in his care. So, if it's all right with you, Severus, I'm going to book the appointment. Not unless you have more sass to bring to the table?"

"No, Ma'am," he said ironically.

"Don't I have a say in where I want to be seen?" Lily asked as if she was waiting for their little argument to be over before speaking.

"With all do respect Lily but no," Rose said as she picked up the phone to book the appointment. . .

The doctor's visit was scheduled to fall within one of the following weeks. Thus there would be ample time and plenty of days for Lily and Severus to ignore each other. That was the pattern of their lives since the day of the unforgivable word 'mudblood' was uttered. They would meet up to talk about the baby then not see or speak to each other until the next time the baby needed addressing. Only at this point Snape wasn't even sure if he was invited to the appointment. Rose had made it quite clear that Lily and herself were going, Severus was seemingly, for the most part, excluded from the plans. He was certain Rose was attempting to cut him out, rob him of his future with her daughter. . .

"Well, see you," Severus said as Lily walked him to the door.

"Are you coming to the appointment, Sev?" She asked as he walked through the threshold.

"Do you want me to be there?" He asked, turning from the porch to look at her.

"Only if you want to be," she said truthfully.

"Then I'll be there," he said mustering a small smile. Lily smiled back and waved before going back into her house, closing the door behind her. . .

* * *

**Author's Note:** Telling the parents about their babies having babies is never a pleasant circumstance. I hope you enjoyed Lily's and Severus' experience with the task. I would like to thank those of you who have taken the time to read and review my story. I look forward to hearing your continued opinions on A Beleaguered Life.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:**  
I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

It had been a long wait for the first doctor's appointment to roll around and Severus found himself anticipating it anxiously. The days he had spent at his house had gone from uncomfortable to agonizing ever since his mother had learnt of his fatherhood. In all matters of conversation she would plant snide comments to make Severus feel either guilty or inexplicably stupid, regarding his position. Things were graver still when his father was informed. As his mother took the whole concept as entirely negative his father's surprisingly positive attitude enraged him. Where his mother would utter malicious criticisms, his father would joke saying he was simply relieved Severus wasn't homosexual and some responsibility would do him well. Together they brought him to such heights of anger he was a constant mountain of rage, weathering in the peaks of disdain and frustration. . .

Severus looked about the waiting room of the maternity ward at Barnet General Hospital with eager eyes. It was definitely a rare experience for he hadn't been to a muggle hospital since he was five years old and had broken his arm from a nasty spill down the stairs of his home.

Severus' mother had been away leaving his father to rush him to the emergency room where they placed him under a heavy vest of metal and took pictures with a noisy machine that roared as if angry. To further the horrifying trip the doctors couldn't just fix his arm with a flick of their wand (as his mother did when she came home to find her son in a yellow cast from the shoulder down) they had to painfully crack his bones into place, the whole time fighting a squirming Severus. Nonetheless, the observational opportunity, of being within a muggle hospital, was a rarity and he found himself keen for the trip.

Lily flipped quietly through a mundane magazine about home improvement as she sat in between her mother and the father of her child. Rose was duly on the right, Severus to her left. The waiting room was small in size, holding only four other patients other than the unhappy trio and being three quarters full. The walls were a welcoming light pink, strategically painted to give one the sense of calm. However, the polka music playing on the speakers was making, at the very least, Severus scowl. The meagerly cushioned chairs dug into Lily's lumbar causing her more back pain than she was already in these past few weeks. Shifting uncomfortably Lily raised her head from the magazine to see a brunette woman staring at Severus shamelessly. Her expressions wasn't that of disgust, as the onlookers at Hogwarts were, but rather curious. Her eyes moving up and down his person.

"Must you always wear that thing?" Lily whispered, indicating his robes as she leaned close to his ear, him meeting her half way in a bend.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood as her breath caressed his ear, making him resist the urge to close his eyes in contentment. He looked down at his robes then back at her, a quizzical look on his face.

"And what would you have me wear, then?" He asked in a hushed voice, sounding mildly defensive.

"I don't know," she murmured back. "You would think you could make more of an effort to blend in with the muggles. You're attracting positively all the attention in this room."

"I don't wish to blend in with muggles," whispered Severus stubbornly.

"Must you always be so difficult?" Lily sighed, flipping the page of her magazine to the exciting world of bathroom repair.

"_I'm_ being difficult?" He asked quietly, yet incredulously, attesting her as the difficult one. "_Me_?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" She challenged, her eye brows raising.

"Nothing, forget it," he said as he looked at his lap, picking something out of his fingernail.

"No, I won't forget it. How in the bloody hell was I being difficult?" She asked, her face more amused than anything.

"_Must you always wear that, Severus_?" He said, making his voice nagging and loftier. "_Can't you make a better effort Severus? Why must you be so difficult, Severus?_"

Lily snorted in laughter before letting herself chuckle lightly. She cleared her throat and looked at him with an expression of utmost seriousness.

"I don't sound like that," she said, in mock seriousness.

"Perhaps not to your own ears," said he, the faintest of smirks on his face.

"I don't sound like that to _anyone's_ ears, you prat," replied Lily, nudging him playfully.

It was refreshing, to say the least, that Lily was joking again. It had been months since she had goofed around with him. Ever since the unforgivable word, mudblood, had slipped through his humiliated lips everything had turned upside down. From not speaking— no completely ignoring him, to only uttering words full of contempt and malice, this joking was zealously welcome and altogether withheld for too long. Even if they were arguing in their humor.

"So_ you_ claim," he said, exasperating the word 'you', indicating she was the only one who didn't hear her voice in the mocking manner he had previously provided.

"Listen you vulgar little—"

"Enough," Rose chimed, giving Lily such a look of irritation that she shut her mouth instantaneously.

"We were only joking, Mum," she said, giving her mother an apologetic smile. "No need to get all huffy."

"I'm sitting here, waiting with my pregnant sixteen year old daughter at the maternity clinic. All the while she sits and jokes about with the father of her baby, acting like this is some big laugh and I'm not supposed to be huffy?"

Lily dropped her head in shame, apologizing half heartily as Severus tried to hide his amusement.

Rose absolutely failed at being intimidating. She could do with taking a leaf from his own Mother's book. She would have really snapped at Lily and given her something to hang her head about.

"And _what_ are you smirking about, young man? Do you find this amusing?" Rose scolded, leaning past Lily to stare Severus in the eye. He opened his mouth to answer when—

"Lily Evans," called a slender nurse with a fluffy blonde coiffure that looked more like poodle fur than actual hair. Lily stood up quickly, leading the way through the grey door that was held open by the nurse.

Rose glared at Severus from the moment Lily was weighed, had her temperature, and blood pressure taken, to having her height recorded. The vicious stare persisted longer still as Lily changed into a hospital gown, while they were lead down the hall into their new place of waiting: the doctor's exam room, and the door was closed in the nurse's wake.

Severus wished Rose would stop her ridiculous glowering for he found it more annoying then her intended purpose: to unnerve. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of even looking in her direction. Instead he busied himself with examining the tools that were laid out on a blue-cloth covered table. He picked up an instrument that looked more like a fancy kitchen faucet handle than a device used for medicine. Muggle practitioners were odd, very odd indeed.

"Severus put that down. It's supposed to remain sterile," Rose snapped, crossing her arms, piercing him evermore intensely with her gaze.

"Then why is it not packaged?" He inquired, the tool still in his hand.

"Because they don't intend for intrusive teenage wizards to go poking about with them! Now set it down," she said. "Come sit here."

Severus placed the speculum down on the sheet and took the seat Rose had indicated right next to her.

Lily sat on the exam chair, her arms crossed, seemingly very put off and determined to ignore her mother's disdain and Severus' defiance.

There was a soft knock on the door followed by a timid-looking middle-aged man poking his head into the room. He said hello with a shaky voice as if he were going to burst into tears at any moment ( which incidentally coincided with his seemingly overly watering blue eyes). He wore the banal white lab coat over a brown suit that looked entirely too cheap for a doctor to be wearing.

"This must be, Lily," he said holding out his hand in order to shake Lily's. Lily tried giving him a smile but failed miserably for she was nervous and shaken. "I'm Dr. Doherty."

"Hello again, Mrs. Evans," Dr. Doherty said, turning to Rose and shaking her hand in turn before focussing his attention to Severus. "This must be the fath—"

"Severus," Snape said swiftly, cutting the doctor off as he gingerly shook his hand. He wasn't ready to be called a father just yet.

"How charming," the doctor said, smiling pleasantly. "Well, Miss Evans your chart tells me you're roughly four months into your pregnancy?" He asked sitting on the rolling stool in the middle of the room and scooting himself to Lily's left.

"Yeah just about," she said, placing her hands instinctively on her stomach.

"Is this your first child?" He asked, taking out a stethoscope from his coat pocket.

"Yeah," Lily said with a nervous chuckle, as if she couldn't believe he would assume otherwise.

"How have you been feeling as of late?" He questioned as he placed the diaphragm over her chest, listening to her heart.

"Um— fine," she said, looking down at the doctor as he moved his instrument from her chest to her abdomen. The room was silent as he listened to the infant's heart beat before bringing the stethoscope up and ringing it about his neck.

"No nausea or vomiting?" He asked as he snapped on a pair of rubber gloves.

"Well, there's some of that, but it's not as bad as it was in the beginning," said Lily.

"Do you feel fatigued at all?" He asked, running his hand on her lower jaw and on the sides of her neck before gently palpating her abdomen.

"Only at the end of the day when my back sort of aches."

"Well, that's altogether normal," he said as he moved the rolling stool to Lily's front. "I'll ask you to put your legs up here. I'm going to give you an internal exam."

Severus found himself not warming to this doctor at all as he Lifted up Lily's hospital gown and viewed her most intimate areas. He glared in the opposite direction as the tool he had previously held was inserted within, the other instruments duly used accordingly. Severus had his hands clasped tightly together, his jaw clenched firmly, until the pelvic exam had come to a long agonizing end.

"Everything looks good," the doctor stated peeling off his gloves and throwing them into the bin under the sink. He swiveled his chair over to the little desk and began scribbling on a note pad.

"Take this down to radiology so we can get a better picture as to whats going on in there. Make sure everything's going according to plan."

"Thank you," Rose said as she took the note from Dr. Doherty.

"Yeah, thanks," Lily said meekly, completely embarrassed by the whole ordeal. And she had to have one of these every month? _Merlin_!

"It's my pleasure," Dr. Doherty said which elicited a horrified look from Severus. Twas a bad choice of words.

"Do you have any questions for me as of now, Miss Evans?" The Doctor inquired.

"I don't think so," Lily said, looking over at her Mother as if confirming her response as appropriate.

"Are there any particular vitamins she should be taking?"

"Well, I'm not too partial to vitamin supplements when it comes to pregnant women. I feel all that good stuff should be taken in from natural sources, good ole' fashioned food. Some of the nutrients you might want to up the ante on are vitamin A which can be found in things like pumpkin, liver, eggs, spinach. Vitamin B: wheat, pasta, berries. Vitamins D and C: fish, citrus fruits, peppers, and nuts. Things like that. Lots of calcium, protein, and a heck of a lot of carbohydrates."

"Are there certain things she should be avoiding?" Mrs. Evans asked.

"Drugs and alcohol," Dr. Doherty replied, an amused expression on his face.

"Well, obviously," Mrs. Evans said with a small chuckle. "But food wise?"

"Yes, there are the obvious ones: raw fish, raw proteins, caffeine, things like that. Other more obscure kinds of foods are smoked seafood, deli meats and soft cheese. You might want to avoid those things. Primarily its the drugs and alcohol we want the mother's to stay away from."

"Did you hear all that, Lily?" Mrs. Evans asked, giving her daughter a stern look.

"Yeah, I got it," Lily responded, rather haughtily.

"Well, Lily," Dr. Doherty said as he stood from his chair. "If you have no more questions it was a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Mrs. Evans, always nice to see you. Take care young man," he said as he left the room with a snap of the door. . .

The walk to radiology brought them into the elevator and all the way to the basement of the hospital. This waiting room was larger than the last and for being in the depths of the building was surprisingly warm. The unhappy duo sat themselves in the middle row of seats, while Rose went and delivered Dr. Doherty's order. Then they waited, with much anticipation, for Lily's name to be called.

Severus watched Lily out of the corner of his eye as she rubbed her stomach absent-mindedly, wondering if she talked to the fetus within her. If she did talk to it what did she say? Did she utter words of kindness and love or of contempt? Condemning it for having a prat for a father? He wondered how she felt about it. Did she love it as any mother would love their first child or did she hate it already for it was half of himself? Was she frightened by it in her tender and young age or accepting?

He stared at the small round bulge and attempted, once again, to feel anything for the child. He had the instinctive urge to reach his hand out and place his palm on her stomach to have some kind of contact with his son or daughter. He didn't dare act on it. With much chagrin he realized that his feelings for the child remained dull. An empty bottle of what a father should feel for their child. He looked away from Lily, from the spawn within, hating his inability to feel any emotions for, not only _his_ child but Lily's as well.

"Lily Evans," called a man in a white coat, holding a clip board, scanning the vast crowd of screaming children and sick seniors for any movement of a patient responding to the name.

He gave them a half hearted smile as they approached.

"I'm afraid only the father of the baby can accompany," the man said as Rose made to follow Lily and Severus through the door. Discrete triumph fell over Severus features as the door swung closed, leaving Rose in the waiting room, looking grim as ever.

The two were lead down the somewhat vacant hall and into a small dark room with a large monitor and an examination table.

"Well, Miss Evans, I'm Anthony. I'm going to be giving you an ultrasound today. It's completely painless and will allow us to view your baby on this screen here," he said, pointing to the large monitor.

"Okay," Lily replied as she settled herself on the table. Anthony pulled a pair of rubber gloves on and pulled a small bottle from a copious collection on a table to the right.

Anthony asked Lily to lift her shirt and told her the gel was cold as he squeezed a hefty amount from the bottle, creating a small hill on Lily's bulging stomach. He pulled out an instrument, that sort of resembled a mutated microphone, and began spreading the gel around her stomach before he turned on the monitor. A whooshing sound came from the speakers at once as the infant's heart beat filled the room.

Severus moved closer to the monitor, unable to believe what he was hearing; what he was seeing. The small lines on the screen (what the radiology technician said was a foot) made Severus feel nervous and somewhat elated. These emotions weren't love but they were right better than nothing. He looked over at Lily who had her head held up as she craned to see the baby, her eyes half full of tears.

"Look at that," Lily said, to no one in particular.

"If you see here, you can make out the face. These are the eyes. See here is the nose," he informed as he pointed to the body parts in turn. He moved the instrument to the left and furrowed his eye brows as the whooshing changed pitch. "Thats odd," he said moving the instrument about.

"What's odd?" Lily asked, her voice frightened as her pulse increased in flow.

Severus straightened from his bent position in front of the monitor and looked at the technician, his gaze scrutinizing.

"I'm hearing two heart beats. As well as. . ." he trailed off examining the monitor.

"Two?" Lily asked, looking at the monitor as if she could make out what the fuzzy lines meant.

"Are you expecting twins?" He asked, still staring at the monitor and fondling the mutated microphone.

"No, no we're not," Lily said, her voice bridging hysteria. Her eyes found Severus' as if begging him to make it not true. As if asking him to obliviate the technician which would somehow make the new information false.

"Are you quite sure there are two?" Severus asked.

"I've been doing this for a long time, Kiddo. I heard two heart beats and saw two fetuses in there," Anthony said, turning off the monitor and wiping the gel from Lily's stomach. "Despite you guy's obvious shock, the babies look fine. Aren't you two the lucky ones," he said sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked, sitting up and jumping down from the table. Her face was showing every sign of her temper rising. Severus knew as well as his name that Lily hated being belittled.

"I just meant that two so young and obviously carele— twins aren't going to make this run any easier."

"Well, when we want your opinion we'll bloody well ask for it."

"I didn't mean any offense, I just happen to see a lot of young—"

"You happen to know nothing about us! I would thank you to just do your job and keep your mouth shut on matters you don't even understand!" Lily said, grabbing Severus' hand and hauling him from the room. She huffed down the hall, his hand still in hers. She seemed to be using it as a stress ball, manifested by Severus' finger tips slowly growing form dark red to light purple.

"Lily," Severus called as they approached the door to the waiting room.

"What?" She snapped, turning around to face him.

"My hand," he said as it was starting to feel numb.

"Oh," she said, letting go quickly as if she hadn't the faintest clue that she had been holding it. "Sorry," she muttered before she made to open the door to the waiting room.

Severus reached his hand over Lily's head and closed the door. He wanted to discuss this formidable twins business without the contemptuous opinions of Rose Evans. Learning the new horrific facts were enough. The last thing he needed was Mrs. Evans' inevitable dismay.

"What?" She asked, slight irritation in her voice that he realized she was trying to suppress.

"I want to talk about this," he said at once.

"What's to talk about, Sev? It's not as if talking about it going to change anything about having two. . ."

"There are still alternatives," Severus stated quietly. "We could give them up. There's plenty of time to pick suitable parents," he told her as softly as his demeanor allowed.

"Sev, I just . . . " She looked away from him, her eyes brimming with tears again. This whole pregnancy business made her cry at the drop of a hat. She found it cleansing yet hated it ardently.

"I just want you to be happy," he said awkwardly.

"You want me to be happy?" She asked, her tear laden eyes looking up at him with contempt. "And what about the babies? Do you give a damn about them being happy?"

"For the time being, not at all," he said truthfully. Lily scowled magnificently as she drew in a breath to speak.

"Okay, Severus, you want to know what will make me happy? I'll be happy knowing that the babies are going to have two parents that adore them and take care of them properly. I don't trust anyone else to do that except for me— well us. You might not put them first but I do. Don't you understand that?"

"I suppose," he said indifferently.

He could tell Lily already felt like a mother. This made him feel even more inadequate for the emotions of fatherhood continued to elude him. He merely felt like an unlucky teenage boy with the smallest of triumphs (having Lily tethered to him).

"It's going to be ridiculously tough, but I have faith in us. Even though no body else does," she said, her voice still affronted.

"You have faith in _me_?" He asked, his eyes seeking hers for some glimmer of truth.

She smiled patronizingly at him and brought her gaze to the floor as if saying, 'would you prefer a lie or the truth?'

"So, why subject your children to someone you don't even trust?" He asked, taking her silence as a no, unable to keep the venom out of his voice.

"I don't really have a choice do I?" She said honestly. "It's not like I can deny them their father."

"You used to trust me," he said, glaring at the wall beside her.

An awkward silence passed between the two as an orderly walked by, pushing an elderly man in a wheelchair.

"That was before you went and called me mudblood," she said with animosity as the orderly vanished from sight.

"When will you drop this wretched mudblood thing? I've apologized one hundred times over and you still continue to dangle it over my head," he spat angrily.

"Yeah— well— it hurt, Severus," she said, crossing her arms in front of her. "How would you like it if I called you a filthy half-blood?"

"It would be of no consequence to me for _I am_ a filthy half-blood."

"Well, you might think yourself a filthy half-blood but I refuse to even entertain the thought that my blood is dirty because of who my parents are. Besides you did more than call me a name that day Severus. What you really said was you're beneath me. You're undeserving to practice magic and would be lucky if I allowed you to lick the bottom of my shoe. That's what you said to me when you called me mudblood."

"You're being melodramatic," were the winning words of choice that left Severus' mouth.

"You really don't think before you speak anymore do you?" She asked seething.

Severus remained silent as a great number of things ran through his mind. For one he didn't need this bullocks of being berated for something he did months ago on top of being a father of twins. He didn't need to torture himself about not feeling emotions for the children that Lily didn't even want to share with him. She obviously didn't want him to be apart of her new happy family so why should he stick around? Why should he cause himself such anguish? Even though Lily was batten to him through the lives of the babies he was starting to realize she would never really return the feelings he had for her.

"I guess not," he said as his voice went from angry to passive.

"Yeah—well— glad you recognize that," Lily said, fumbling at his extreme change in mood.

"We don't want to keep your mother waiting," he said, opening the door for her. She stood in the hall gaping at him for a moment until she bowed her head and briskly walked past him, arms crossed sternly. She ignored him the entire car ride home.

The rest of the summer groaned by slowly and Severus never received so much as an owl from Lily. If Lily didn't want to deprive the twins of their father, she had a funny way of showing it. It was beginning to look like he was cut out of the picture. If he wasn't present in the twin's lives he would loose Lily forever. Through thoughtful consideration, he decided he could not let that happen. He had lost her once and those were terrible times. He knew she was angry with him thus he figured he would wait for her to approach him when she wasn't so cross. He would fix everything when that time came.

As September 1st, the first day back to Hogwarts, drew nearer the more Lily wished her mother hadn't coerced her into returning to school. Rose had even gotten over her fear of Lily's pet owl, Julia, to send a letter to Professor McGonagall just to inform the head of house of Lily's situation and request accommodations be made. Professor McGonagall had assured Rose that the Hogwarts nurse was not only capable enough to keep up with the regular appointments Lily would need but also to deliver the twins. The arrangement had been secured in under two hours.

Another arrangement had been secured for after the babies were born. Professor McGonagall was sympathetic to Lily's dilemma, promising to have a special floo network put into place so that Lily could continue her lessons by day and then travel home to care for the children by evening.

When professor McGonagall inquired if the father would be needing the same arrangement Lily had told her she never mentioned the babies to him and she was on her own with it. Severus, that abominable wretch, hadn't even sent her an owl for the duration of the remaining summer. He hadn't written her to ask when the next appointment was and he didn't call to see how she was doing; how the babies were doing. It was as if he had fallen off the face of the Earth. It surprised her how much his absence actually bothered her, she was furious with him.

On September 1st, Lily found herself extremely nervous to return back to school for she hadn't told a single one of her friends about her tender condition. She was just going to show up four and half months pregnant. She shuddered to think what torment she would endure when they learned who the father was. Would she be shunned as Severus was? Stained by the walking stigma that he entailed? She carried his children. Would that make her less worthy of friendship in the eyes of her peers?

Severus stood on platform nine and three-quarters, wondering if Lily was even going to show up for Hogwarts. If he was pregnant you better believe he wouldn't show his face at school. The ridicule would be incredible. He walked vigorously down the length of the train and climbed on the step, holding onto the side bar as he scanned the ocean of students for that glimmer of ginger hair. His eyes didn't move fast enough before another student was clamoring up behind him.

He shoved his way down the aisle, aimlessly searching for Lily until the train began rolling away. Twenty minutes into the travels he spotted her in one of the last compartments, surrounded by her ridiculous Gryffindor posse. He opened the sliding door, standing awkwardly in the threshold, determined to ignore all but Lily.

"So, you decided to come did you?" He asked, looking straight into her almond eyes, his tone dark. The chatter of the four other girls diminished quickly as the atmosphere grew thick.

"Obviously," she said challengingly, her arms folding across her chest.

"Yes,— well I figured you would have stayed back," he said, glaring at the floor.

"Madame Pomfrey has sportingly agreed to continue with my examinations. Not that you'd want to be there for them."

"You—" he paused, looking bunglingly around at their small audience. "You've made arrangements?"

"Yes," she said, looking at him as if she wanted him to leave. "Professor McGonagall arranged Madame Pomfrey to take care of me and deliver the twins. She's also installed a floo from her office to my house so I can travel to class and back to take care of them when the time comes."

"Does this arrangement include me as well?" He asked slowly.

"No," she replied flippantly. "I told Professor McGonagall that the father wasn't interested."

"You decided this without consulting me?" He asked through partially clenched teeth.

"Again, Severus, obviously," she said apathetically.

"I thank you for including me in such important decisions," he said sardonically, unable to check the anger streaming in his voice.

"Well, you said you didn't care about the babies' at the hospital and then you didn't even write me for weeks. I figured you didn't want anything to do with us anymore," she said her frustration apparent.

_Superb, she was referring to herself and the babies as 'us' now_.

"Now you presume to tell me what I am and am not interested in? You just assume I don't want to be apart of the twin's lives?"

Lily's hard expression softened slightly.

"You've given me no reason to think otherwise. You didn't write," she said her gaze diverting away from him, looking slightly guilty. His expression, although angry, betrayed a hint of sorrow.

"No, I didn't. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself, then. I hope you and _your_ children are extraordinarily happy together," he said before stepping out of the compartment and letting it slam shut in his wake.

"Shit," Lily said, covering her face with her hands. "I'm such a bitch."

"No, you're not, Lils," Emmaline Vance said, glaring at the spot where Severus had stood. "He's a right jerk. You should keep your kids away from that creep. I would," she added as the other girls nodded and spoke their words of agreement.

"Yeah," Lily said whimsically, looking out the window.

She felt awful. Nobody would have been able to detect Severus' sadness except for her, and it was all too apparent. His departing words swirled in her head as she realized she was being selfish. He might be a rude, abrasive, dark-arts-loving, little weirdo but he was her little weirdo. The father of her babies and her once best friend. He didn't deserve to have his opinions on the matter over looked. Even if he wasn't displaying any apparent interest. Knowing Severus, that didn't mean his interest wasn't there. These weren't her decisions to make alone and so far everything had been her way. She felt defiled for excluding him so and knew if their roles were reversed that she would cry herself to sleep every night. His calling her a mudblood be damned.

"I'll be right back," Lily said, standing while holding her bulging belly.

"No," Alice said, grabbing Lily by the wrist. "I forbid you to go after that slimy git. Don't deny it! We all know that's what you're going to do. He's made his choice about it, thats what you said before he came barging in here to argue with you. Don't let him change your mind. The babies are better off without, Snivellus."

"Excuse me but you really need to let go of my wrist, Alice—now! Before I really loose my temper," she threatened, staring daggers at her friend as Alice let go.

"_Come on_, Lely!" Marlenna McKinnon said exasperatedly, her thick Irish accent extraordinary prominent in her frustration. "He's in love with the dark arts, he's going to be a death 'ater. Ya said it yaself. All ya two do is argue since ya got pregnant so why make matters worse? Ya rid of him and everyone is better off that way."

"You did say that he was totally distant at the hospital and you just end up arguing every time you guys talk about it," Mary added, looking uncomfortable about ganging up on Lily.

"No offense guys but you've never been pregnant and don't know what its like. He's the father of my babies! How can I just close him out?"Lily argued, standing in the middle of the compartment as if an antelope surrounded by hungry lions.

"Ya were all ready ta do it not fifteen minutes ago, and now, after he comes in, being a bloody prat at best, ya've suddenly changed yer mind?" Marlenna asked incredulously.

"Well, I thought he didn't want to! He— he seemed like his feelings were hurt," Lily said, looking forlorn at the empty doorway. "What if he really does want to be apart of the twin's lives? I can't just pretend that he doesn't. They're his babies too."

"I think it's a big mistake, Lily," Alice said as Lily opened the compartment door.

"I don't really give a damn, Alice," Lily said, thinking she sounded a lot like Sev as she did.

She made her way down the aisle, looking into each compartment, looking for a glimpse of the greasy black hair. She was making her way, trying to ignore the many looks of disbelief that were aimed in her direction, as she sought out Severus. She was half way down the train when she heard someone call her name.

"Evans!"

She turned around to see James Potter looking down at her stomach, his mouth slightly agape, his eyes wide.

"What in the name of Merlin's beard happened?" He asked, pointing to her bulging stomach.

"I've learned how to keep my books in my womb for safe keeping. I'm pregnant James what do you think?" She asked, folding her arms in front of her.

"B-but you're— what?" He asked. For once James Potter was speechless.

Lily's eyes wandered to Sirius Black who was looking as dumbfounded as James did. Remus was trying a little too hard to be uninterested.

"I'm pregnant James. It's really not that unfathomable," she said cooly, trying to play it off as no big deal.

"W-who's? Who's baby is it?" He asked.

"I can't imagine why that's your business," she said as she turned to walk away.

"Evans," Potter yelped, grabbing her by the upper arm and spinning her around. "Who's the father? I'm just curious," he lied. He wanted to know who he had to hex.

"It's Severus," she said, secretly enjoying the confounded look on his face. "Now, if you'll excuse me I've got to go and find him."

She continued down the aisle pleased to hear James's exclamation of anger in her wake. A small smirk played on her lips for a moment's time until she finally spotted Severus in a compartment, surrounded by his gang of Death-Eater-wannabes. She opened the compartment door and was unnerved when everyone in the room glared at her.

"Severus," she said, leaning on the door frame. "We need to talk." It wasn't a request.

"About what Lily? I can't imagine what more we need to discuss since you seem to make all decisions on your own," he said stubbornly. Avery smiled wickedly at her.

"Can you not be difficult and just talk to me?" She asked crossing her arms.

"You're being plenty difficult so I don't see why you expect me to be otherwise."

"_Severus!_" she snapped sharply, sounding very much like Mrs. Snape.

"Lily," he responded calmly.

"Just—_come on_," she said.

"Shove off mudblood! He's obviously come to his senses and wants nothing to do with you," Mulciber commanded, standing up and facing Lily challengingly. "Take yourself and your filthy mudblood spawn and piss off," he added, grabbing Lily and trying to turn her around so he could boot her out.

"Don't touch me," she said, slapping his hands away. "_Don't_ touch me," she said again as he came at her once more. She pushed him with all her might, causing him to fall and hit his head loudly on the wall. Every person in the compartment (Severus exempted) stood, pulling their wands out, pointing them at Lily's chest and head. Lily brandished her own, looking suddenly frightened, yet attempting intimidation.

"Okay, okay, okay," Severus said irritably, standing to his feet and pushing his friend's arms down as he made his way to Lily. "To avoid a blood bath I'll come speak with you," he said as he followed her out. . .

"What the fuck, Severus?" Lily asked once they were safe inside the single occupant bathroom once again. She sat on the toilet seat, her hands resting on her protruding stomach.

"I think that should be my line, Lily."

"Why are you friends with those monsters?" She asked as tears filled her eyes. He realized she was trembling and he felt a pang of sympathy. He was supposed to be angry with her dammit.

"You're shaking," he said simply, kneeling before her. He took her hands in his own trying to massage them comfortingly.

The tears were falling from her eyes, decorating their intertwined hands as she sniffed, trying to stay the blasted water from dropping. She had been so frightened that Severus was going to allow those barbarian friends of his to attack her. She wouldn't put it past him, in his anger, to sit back and watch as they sent every hex they knew in her direction, but he hadn't.

"Severus, I wanted to apologize," she choked through her tears.

Severus was completely surprised that this was what she wanted to tell him and it took him a moment before he was able to process a response.

"Oh? What ever for?" He asked quietly.

"Um— well I shouldn't have assumed you didn't want to be apart of all of this. You just seemed so, shall I say, nonchalant about it. I was convinced you didn't want to be around in the twin's lives. I'm still on the edge about it. . . Are you going to be there with us?"

Severus bit his lip as he saw a window for escape. This was it, he could simply say, 'no thank you' and continue on his way, as if this mess had never taken place. He looked up into Lily's eyes and knew that he couldn't do that to her, or the twins— or himself. He was not such a coward.

"Of course I am. . ."

* * *

**Author's Note:** This was a long one! Sorry to those of you who found it to be too much information for one chapter. Chapter six will be a couple thousand words shorter. I would also like to say thank you to the very few of you who have given me feedback. I appreciate it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

Lily and Severus' relationship had finally started to come around as they made do with being civil to one another. They would argue less and less whilst spending more time focusing on the babies. Which were due in the span of two weeks. Over the past several weekends, traveling by floo powder, the soon-to-be-parents had constructed an ample nursery at Lily's house. It was by no means extraordinary, the image of two cribs inside of Lily's bedroom, directly parallel to her own bed. The necessities needed for child care found their way into their midst. Lily had been bombarded with gifts such as clothes, bottles, and diapers at her baby shower while Severus had acquired employment at the school, working in the library shelving books instead of free period. With everything going on, school, baby planning, work, and pregnancy, there was little time to spare on arguing. Oh, there were still plenty of topics they could fight about but Lily was tired of discussing the dark arts and Severus was sick of having to prove his dedication to the twins. Taking an unspoken vow, they avoided said matters at all costs. Unless it became absolutely prudent to converse about either one of them. . .

It was a cloudy gloom filled day on January 15th. The clouds hung in the sky, turning the blue horizon into a vast white oblivion. Fog clung to the castle walls, enveloping the grounds in it's mystic elegance. Snow began to fall at noon, creating swirling vortexes of gentle flakes, piling on top of the, already existing, mounds of snow. Severus spent the first half of this day locked up in the potions lab, concocting new varieties of elixirs.

He poured the honey-water into the cauldron before smiling wickedly and selecting a death cap for his next component. The properties of the honey water would counteract the taste of the death caps, leaving the drinker of his original poison oblivious. He put his gloves on and carefully cut the mushroom into four sections before throwing two into the pot.

The potion hissed softly as it turned from a light caramel color to a deep purple. He sniffed the steam bounding from the cauldron and almost had to stifle a cry as it burned his nose painfully. He coughed heartily, his throat lurching in agony as the smoke ripped through his body. The coughing subsided as he stood back, satisfied that his brew, with the smell alone, could cause his lungs to ache and his throat to sear. This one was definitely going into the prince's book.

He scribbled down his recipe, completely absorbed in his work, when the door burst open, startling Severus to the point of dropping his quill and almost pulling out his wand.

"Snivellus!" Marlenna Mckinnon blurted as she bounded through the door.

"I'll ask you not to call me that, McKinnon," he stated coldly, resuming his notes.

"What ever," she began awkwardly. "Lely's gone into labor," she informed him, crossing her arms. "Thought ya might want ta know."

A strong tremor of dread and excitement washed over Severus as his heart sank to his stomach. Although medically impossible he could have sworn, on his own life, that it had also stopped beating. The babies were coming? The nine months had gone by so fast. The creeping sensation of warm water being poured over his head enveloped him as a shudder trickled down his spine. How had the days flown by so rapidly? How was he was going to be a father—of two? He felt a little nauseous. This was all happening too quickly. In his apprehension he wished he could go back in time and never meet Lily at the lake that evening nine months ago. . .On second thought he wouldn't trade it for the world.

With his head feeling extremely light, and what he imagined was tranquil grace, he got off of his working stool. He swallowed hard, his adam's apple bobbing as he slipped the copy of Advanced Potion Making into his bag . Flinging it over his shoulder accordingly.

"How long ago?" He asked, putting the ingredients back into the cupboards.

"Maybe t'irty minutes ago now," stated Marlenna, standing in the doorway looking at Snape with utter disgust.

"Thank you for coming to tell me," he said, attempting to be civil as he walked out the door, Marlenna at his side. Lily was always bothering him about sharpening his social skills and being less rude to people (especially her friends).

"I only did it cause Lely asked me," she said, her eyes narrowed. "I would have thought it better if ya weren't told."

"Of course you would," Snape said indifferently as they both climbed the first set of stairs from the dungeons to the entrance hall.

"Ya better be good to them, Sni—Snape," she said, glowering down at him from up above. Snape wasn't a short boy but Marlenna was a very tall girl. Perhaps four inches taller than Severus himself. "Or ya'll have me ta answer to."

"Duly noted," he said, the smallest pangs of irritation mixing with the already brimming emotions of perfect fear and mild excitement.

"I mean it, Snape. Ya watch yourself," she warned as they climbed to the fourth floor.

Severus had to work hard to keep his face straight as she attempted to threaten him with her words. She obviously had no idea who she was talking to. It was common knowledge that Severus was a dark arts expert. He knew more curses than she would know in her entire lifetime (which wouldn't be long if she kept pestering him). Furthermore, he'd seen her in defense against the dark arts. So, he knew she wouldn't be able to defend herself properly if he saw fit to, shall way say, correct her behavior towards him.

"And as a matter of curiosity, Marlenna," Severus began. "What would you plan on doing to me that I should be so afraid of?"

Marlenna looked confounded, as if he had asked a seriously perplexing question, before she uttered the safety net of a phrase, 'I'll curse you into the middle of next year.'

"With what?" Severus barked patronizingly. "A babbling curse? Perhaps, if you're feeling more daring, a jelly legs jinx?"

"Try Entomorphis (the insect morphing curse)," she said, her eyes virtual slits, brimming with disdain. "Then I'll squash ya."

"I'm impressed you can even pronounce the name of that particular hex. Perhaps I've underestimated you, Marlenna," he commented sarcastically, a sneer on his lips as she muttered about him being Death Eater trash.

Severus walked through the hospital wing doors, his eyes finding Lily immediately. He was a little surprised to see how very calm she looked. He was under the impression labor was an agonizing event, filled with tears of pain, sweaty skin, loud primal noises, ice chips and death threats. Lily didn't seem to be experiencing any of those things. She wasn't screaming like women did on the television nor was she crying. She didn't even have a layer of sweat about her face. She looked, in lamest terms, completely comfortable with negative distress.

"Oh, good you found him," Lily said, smiling softly, her hands resting on her bulging abdomen.

"Yeah he was locked up in the potions lab, just like ya said," Marlenna said with a chuckle as if it was a humorous statement. Lily laughed delicately.

"Well, thanks Marley," said Lily, the hospital bed dipping as Severus sat at the end of it, placing his bag on the floor.

"Yeah no problem, Lels," said Marlenna, standing at the bed side. "Want me ta stay with ya?" She asked. As if Severus wasn't there to do just that. Lily caught Severus' eye which told her to make the polite decision to decline Marlenna's offered presence. She was able to tell, just from locking eyes with him, that having the extra girl there would cause him nothing shy of anguish.

"Nah, you go on ahead. I hear the miracle of birth can be quite dull," Lily said smiling. "I'm not bound to deliver until the evening according to Madame Pomfery.

"Ya sure, now?" She asked. As if truly inquiring if she wanted to spend her labor alone with _Snivellus_.

"She said go, McKinnon," Snarled Severus, not looking at her but glaring at the floor. What was it with Gryffindors? Did they always have to prove to _everyone_ what good friends they were to each other?

"Sev!" Lily snapped, giving him a stern look.

"Uh, excuse me?" Marlenna said, placing her hands on her hips. "I don't think I was talking to ya, Snivellus."

"Well, I heard all the same and I do believe Lily told you to sod off."

"You know what?" Marlenna began darkly.

"Okay lets just—Marley do you think you can give us some time alone?" Lily asked, placing her hands together, palms flat. Marlenna didn't move for a moment, being too busy glowering at Snape.

"I'll be back after Dinner. I'll bring all the girls," she said before turning sharply on her heals and stalking out of the room.

"Severus, you can't be rude to people like that," Lily scolded, as if he was one of their babies in need of lessons and direction.

"I can be what ever I like to whom ever I like," he said, fiddling with the edge of the blanket.

"No, you can—AH!" She exclaimed as she doubled over (as much as her bulbous stomach would allow), clutching the bottom of her abdomen.

Severus looked at her in horror as he hollered for Madame Pomfrey. The nurse came flying out of her office and immediately took to Lily's side.

"What is it?" Madame Pomfrey asked, her hand on Lily's shoulder.

"Con-contraction," Lily said through lengthy breath, pulling air in through her nose and expelling it out her mouth. "That was a bad one."

"Would you like a numbing solution?" Madame Pomfrey asked as she took Lily's pulse.

"No, its already over," she said, resting her head against the pillows.

"If you change your mind call for me," she said, stepping back from Lily's bed. She smiled at Severus, who was feet away looking slightly dazed.

"Calm down, Dad, she's okay," Madame Pomfrey joked as she continued into her office, leaving Severus staring dumbfounded in her wake.

"Aw, did that scare you?" Lily asked, unable to hide her teasing grin.

"No," Severus snapped, looking affronted.

"I think wittle Sevewus, was a wittle tinsy bit scawed," Lily teased, smiling wickedly at him.

"Stop that at once," he commanded, glowering in the opposite direction.

Lily laughed happily.

"Come sit down you great lummox," she said, patting the side of the bed. Severus rolled his eyes and abided, stiffly lowering himself at her side.

The hours ticked by slowly and painfully. By the time three o'clock in the morning chimed Lily was hollering in agony, the contractions coming in two minute intervals. Madame Pomfrey was constantly at Lily's bed side having also summoned another healer from St. Mungos to assist with the birth (since there were two babies their were two medics).

"Okay, Lily, the time to push is now," Madame Pomfrey stated, nodding at her sternly.

"O-okay," she sputtered through a haze of pain. She braced herself and began to push, still buried under blankets and sheets.

"Wait, wait, wait" Madame Pomfrey hollered, pulling back the blanket. "I'de like to be able to see what I'm doing as I deliver."

Lily tried to smile but was finding it difficult to experience anything but the tearing sensation between her legs and the explosive pain in her lower abdomen. She felt tired, weak, and like she had to use the bathroom at any given moment. The fact that everyone in the room was staring at her crotch didn't help alleviate any discomfort either.

"Okay Lily I'm going to have you push for ten-seconds then you're going to rest for ten. We're going to continue until the first baby is here, understand?"

"Y-yes," Lily panted as she prepared herself for the first ten-seconds of pushing.

Her face was dripping with sweat, her red hair dangling at the sides, completely drenched. All the muscles in her body were trembling as she sat up to try and push out the first baby. The scream that filled the room was so extravagantly pitched Severus felt a pang of sympathy in his chest and wished he could do something, other than hold her hand, to relieve Lily of the terrible pain she was in.

"One…two…thee…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten," Pomfrey called out as Lily crashed back into the pillows, covering her face with her hands. "Okay ten more seconds," she said as Lily moaned in defiance but pushed herself up nonetheless.

This pattern continued on for thirty torturous minutes until Lily dropped her body, shaking her head.

"I can't do it, I can't push anymore. Just leave it in there," she cried, tears falling down her eyes.

"You _can_ do it," Severus said softly, speaking for the first time in hours. "You must," he concluded.

Lily bit her lip, shaking her head.

"Lily, I know you're exhausted," Madame Pomfrey chimed in. "But I really believe, with one more push, this baby will be out."

Lily blinked bewilderingly and nodded importantly.

"One…two…three…four…five…six…here comes the head…seven…eight…here we go!" Madame Pomfrey exclaimed as a black-haired, dark-blue, baby boy spilled out of Lily, unmoving.

Lily waited to hear the nasal cries of the infant as it entered the world but heard nothing save her own rhythmic panting.

"Oh dear," Madame Pomfrey said as she clipped the umbilical cord and passed the child off to the healer who looked just as concerned as Poppy did.

"Oh dear, what?" Lily asked repeatedly as the two healers went to one of the two cradles they had set aside. "Severus what's going on?" Lily asked, her eyes frantic.

"I-I don't know," Severus stated truthfully as mild fear and misunderstanding clawed at his mind.

"What's wrong with it?" Lily gasped as Madame Pomfrey positioned herself between Lily's legs again.

"Don't worry about him, we have to get this other little one out now," she said, her voice full of distressed authority. "You need to push, Lily," she commanded as patient followed doctor's instructions.

In one round of ten-second pushing another little dark haired head was popping out from Lily's opening. In another ten-second interval the baby slipped out, a dark-blue as well, turning pink in under a minute's time.

The little girl scrunched up her face and screamed loudly, her fists balling in discomfort. Madame Pomfrey looked relieved as she clamped the umbilical cord and wrapped her in a blanket, resting her into Lily's arms.

"Meet your daughter, Miss Evans," Madame Pomfrey said before she ushered up quickly towards the little boy who still hadn't uttered a single sound.

Severus looked down at the crying infant in Lily's arms and felt odd pangs wrapping his heart and prickling within his chest. He stood erect at the bed side, examining her closely, trying to control the shaking in his legs and the ramped pounding of his heart. This was _his_ daughter. The concept was unfathomable. She would need him for the entire span of his life and it felt reassuring to be truly needed by someone. Even if it was by someone smaller than a doll. As she uttered a small moan Severus found his heart exploding. How did this tiny little thing have so much control over him already? He wanted to make her happy, he wanted to comfort her and whisper kind words in her ear. He had the desire to take her in his arms; cradle her and never let go.

"Hi," Lily whispered, nuzzling her nose to the crying baby. "Oh, no, shhhhh," she cooed, smiling as tears rolled down her face. "Isn't she beautiful, Sev?"

"Yes," he whispered. She truly was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. The image was sublime. The most beautiful woman in the world holding the most beautiful girl in the world.

Her red face was beginning to unclench as her cries dissipated, leaving only the hushed voices of Madame Pomfrey and The Healer whispering spells over the small body of the baby boy. Her hair was as black as Severus', the color of her eyes being a mystery for she had not yet opened them.

"Where's the other one?" Lily asked as she sniffed back her tears, looking over at Madame Pomfrey's and the healer's backs. "Severus whats wrong with him?" She asked, her eyes wide with fright.

"I don't know," Severus said, coming back to the reality of the situation. One of his children was obviously in distress and not well at all.

Knowing the feeling of devotion he felt when looking at his daughter the fear that came over Severus as he realized his son wasn't there, safe in Lily's arms, was more than he could handle. He took five long strides over to Madame Pomfrey, looking over her shoulder at the unmoving, rather bruised and shriveled looking, neonate before him.

"What's wrong with him?" He asked forcefully.

"I'll ask you to go back over there, Mr. Snape," Madame Pomfery scolded.

"_Anhelo_," she muttered waving her wand over the baby. The child's mouth was gaped as his chest rose quickly and dropped again; the spell breathing for him.

"_Cruro Orbis_," The Healer whispered pointing his wand at the center of the baby's chest. There was a large red mark where the spell had obviously been cast several times in the boy's short life.

Severus walked around the cradle to watch from the other side. The two were performing magical cardiopulmonary resuscitation on his son. This could not be happening. Why wasn't he breathing? Why wasn't his heart beating? Why did this have to be happening to _his_ son? He hadn't done anything to anyone. He wasn't even old enough to think a bad thought.

"He's going to be okay isn't he?" Lily cried from her bed. "Severus, he's going to be okay isn't he?"

"_Desumo Pectoris_," The Healer muttered as the baby's whole body jumped as if electrocuted. "_Cruro Orbis_."

"Severus, what's going on?" Lily asked, fresh tears falling from her eyes.

Severus ripped his eyes from the horrifying scene before him and quickly walked back to Lily, his hands clasped together in fury and apprehension. Why was this happening?

"He isn't breathing, they're-they're performing CPR," he whispered, looking at the floor attempting to conceal the tears forming in his eyes.

"Wha-what's wrong with him?" Lily asked, her face twisted into such anguish it was as if she lived through every hardship in the world.

"I don't know, Lily," he choked, his gaze still on the floor. He ran the back of his hand roughly over his eyes disgusted to see the smears of wetness upon them.

Lily didn't respond but looked down at her now hiccoughing daughter as tears fell from her nose and danced down her cheeks. She cried silently, cradling the small baby to her person unable to cope with the sorrow that surged through her veins.

After forty-five more minutes of performing CPR The Healer pocketed his wand, shaking his head at Madame Pomfrey who pocketed her own. Severus, who had settled himself in the chair at Lily's bedside, opened his eyes. He had placed himself in a meditative state in order to conquer his trepidation and heartache. He stood as Madame Pomfrey walked over to the pair of them, a very forlorn look on her face.

"I'm so sorry," she said, giving them an apologetic look.

"Oh, Merlin!" Lily exclaimed, clutching their alive child to her breast as her tears began cascading ever more forcefully.

"What—what was wrong with him?" Severus asked, unable to stay the shaking that rampaged through his voice.

"There are a number of things that _could have_ gone wrong," Madame Pomfrey began slowly. "He may have been deprived of oxygen in the womb. This happens with twins fairly often. The birth could have been too traumatic for him, his heart not as strong as some, and that could have done him in. There would have to be an autopsy to be certain but that would be up to the two of you."

Severus swallowed hard and bit the inside of his cheek to distract himself from the sadness that wracked his body, his mind. An unfamiliar feeling of sacrifice entered his heart. He wished that he was able to die in the place of the baby. In fact, he would have gladly died in his son's stead. Why did things have to turn out so rotten all of the time?

"There was nothing anyone could have done," Madame Pomfrey said as if it would make the situation sting less. "Would you like to hold him? Say goodbye properly?"

"Y-y-yes," Lily wept, unable to take her eyes off her sleeping daughter.

Madame Pomfrey took the baby girl from Lily's arms and carried her to the cradle right next to her brother's. She picked up the dead infant and slowly walked over to Lily who received him with fresh tears falling from her eyes.

"My baby boy," she cooed, looking into his lifeless face. "Why?" She whispered fixing the blankets that clung to his motionless form. "Oh my poor baby," she murmured.

Severus looked down at the boy, unable to stay his tears any longer. The round droplets rolled down his cheeks as he attempted to sniff them away, dragging his hand across his face. Alas they continued to reform.

Lily held her hand out and grasped Severus' with a grip so tight he was sure they would fuze together. The two sat in silence for a long while, unable to remove their gaze from their deceased child. Sorrow clung in the air like a perpetual cloud and Severus was sure Lily felt the same as he did. As if being happy was something that would never happen again. It was a weight that seemed unable to lift. The young parents were metaphorically sliced open. Their good faith shattered to the cold harsh reality of life's true nature: that life was taken indiscriminately.

As Severus' eyes grew dry, unable to muster anymore tears, he turned to look at Lily who had been humming softly to the baby. It was easier to pretend he was alive as Lily serenaded him. As if the small boy could listen. Severus allowed the tune to sooth his sorrow as he acquiesced to the fantasy of his son living through the birth.

"He needs a name," Severus commented after a while.

"Yeah," Lily sniffed, running her finger over his pale little cheek. "What should we call him?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," answered Severus.

"I like Jaiden," Lily said, staring longingly into the baby's face.

"Jaiden, it is, then," Severus replied, staring at the two of them.

Severus had an odd feeling, sharing this intimate moment with Lily. Their friendship once so solid had been nothing shy of a rocky mountain trail as of late. During this moment, of mourning their son, he (for one) felt incredulously close to Lily. She was the only one who understood his pain. Who felt what he felt. Who would know what he went through on January 16th. He knew she didn't love him, at least not as he did her. However, in this moment pretending she did was easy as they had wept silently, longing for their son to open his eyes. Perhaps she could learn to love him for all his trouble.

Lily had drifted to sleep in the next few hours, utterly exhausted, both mentally and physically. Severus stood from his chair when her breathing had become rhythmic. He stared down at her sleeping form, his heart being enveloped by the familiar ache of desire. He reached out his hand, brushing a red strand from her face then lightly tracing her jaw.

He smiled meekly then turned quietly, walking slowly over to the crib containing his daughter. He peered down at her and was surprised to see her eyes wide open, staring right back at him. She had black eyes with thee most curious tint of blue in them. Severus smiled at her and lifted her from the cradle, holding her for the first time. She gnawed on her tongue looking up at him, her gaze searching his own.

"Hello, there," he whispered, rocking back and forth slightly.

Severus knew he probably looked like a complete fool but he couldn't wipe the ridiculous smile off his face. He had anticipated her to cry out in agony upon his holding her, instinctively hating him. However, she had uttered no sound except the gurgling from her throat. He held her close to his chest for the greater half of an hour before she drifted back into a tender slumber.

The next morning Lily opened her eyes expecting to be in her four poster bed in Gryffindor tower. The series of events that took place yesterday being some kind of elaborate nightmare. When her eyes viewed the hospital wing she knew, all too well, it was reality. She looked to her right to see Severus still sleeping in the chair beside her bed, his elbow propped on the armrest, his head in his hand.

She brought her hand to her forehead, which was viciously pounding, as she sat herself up. Her mouth was dry as a desert, her eyes stinging mercilessly. It was all she could do to not utter a cry for the throbbing between her thighs.

"Madame Pomfrey," Lily called weakly into the empty hospital. "Madame Pomfrey."

"Yes, dear?" She responded as she appeared from her office.

"Could I trouble you for some water and a pain killing solution?"

"Of course," Madame Pomfrey said. She lingered for a moment as if she might say something else but turned swiftly to gather the components of Lily's request.

Upon Madame Pomfrey giving Lily the water and medicine she looked over at Severus who had awoken, staring blankly at the wall. Lily opened her mouth to say good morning as a shrill cry echoed through the room.

"Could you bring her to me?" Lily asked.

Severus nodded passively and walked to the cradle, picking up his squirming daughter. He carried her to Lily who took her with happy words of greeting. She unlatched her hospital gown and guided the little one to eat from her breast. It took the child all of ten-seconds to figure out that this was where food came from and she stopped crying immediately, consumed with eating.

"So, how are you?" Lily asked, looking at Severus with only her eyes.

He felt as if he had been hit by a raging muggle truck. His eyes hurt, his stomach was in knots, his mind felt extinguished, and his whole body wouldn't stop jittering. His hands were shaking and he felt like there were bugs crawling under his skin. The image of his dead son was branded before his eyes, staining his sanity and peace of mind.

"I'm, fine," Severus lied.

"I wish I could lie as well as you," Lily said with a small smirk.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're not fine, Severus," Lily accused. "Nor am I."

"Obviously Lily but I see no reason to discuss it," said Severus coldly, being slightly ruder than he had intended.

"Your son is dead, Severus! Let me guess, you're just going to bottle this away like everything else that bothers you?" Lily asked, sounding just as cold as Severus hadn't intended be.

"Excuse me? I don't bottle things up."

"Oh please," Lily snorted. "You _never _talk about the things that bother you!"

"Like what?" Severus asked irritably as if he anticipated her not having any examples.

"Like how James and Sirius bully you. You never talk about that. You never want to tell me anything about your absolutely fucked home-life. If you're feeling sad or afraid you just convert it into anger and go about your business. Now I'm sure you're going to leave today pretending that Jaiden never existed."

"How dare you even suggest I could do such a thing?" Severus exclaimed, his voice raising with his seething temper.

"Because it's who you are, Severus," she responded.

"Nice to know you think so highly of me," he said, his heart breaking even more thoroughly than it was already. Perhaps she wouldn't ever love him for all his trouble.

"You brought it on yourself," she said glaring away from him.

"I brought it on myself?" He repeated.

"Yeah you and your precious Death Eater friends" she said venomously. "You were never as cold or apathetic before you hung out with that crowd! You turned your back on decent things the moment you started hanging around those prats."

"Not this rubbish again," he said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms.

"Yes, this rubbish again," she challenged. "And this rubbish is going to keep on coming until you wise up and ditch those friends of yours."

"What ever," he said pathetically. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Yeah because it's not going your way," she said darkly.

"I find very little goes my way," he pouted, glaring away from Lily, for once, not wanting to even look at her. . .

* * *

**Author's Note:** So we've reached the half way marker in this fanfiction, only five more chapters to go. I do hope you're enjoying it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:**  
I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

Lily and Severus' tragedy had been the talk of the school for several weeks after the birth.

"Did you hear Evans and Snape had a baby?"

"I heard they had two but one of them died!"

"Probably looked at Snivellus and figured it wasn't worth it."

The first few months after Holly was born, and Jaiden was lost, Lily and Severus walked through life in a constant slump. It was painful to smile because they both felt so hollow inside, as if a piece of them had died with their son. Lily distracting herself from the pain by dictating her life around obligations. She concentrated heavily on school and on her chores about the house, leaving herself little time for heartache or sorrow. . .

"Sev, how do you spell Nux Myristica?" Lily asked, her extra credit assignment paused.

"N-U-X-M-Y-R-I-S-T-I-C-A," He dictated to her as he bounced the child in his lap. "Are you doing _more_ extra credit?" He asked with a hint of disbelief.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I just figured, ya know, why not?"

"Why not? Because you've been working yourself ragged doing assignments you don't need and doing chores that aren't necessary."

"I do need the credit and I don't do unnecessary chores," she protested.

"Well, that's a blatant lie. Didn't you sign up for that tutoring gig? That was unnecessary. Did you not spend Saturday afternoon _cleaning the gutters_?"

"Those are all valid!"

"Yeah, all right, Lily," he replied sarcastically.

"What are you getting at anyway?" She asked irritably.

"Just that you might want to slow down. It's all too apparent what you're doing."

"And what's that?" She inquired, her tone becoming nasty.

"It's obvious, isn't it? You're trying to distract yourself from things. It's not going to work."

"Trying to distract myself _from things_?"

"From loosing, Jaiden."

"Shut up, Sev, I'm not doing anything like that," she said bitterly, her eyes narrowed in hatred for his accuracy.

"Your hostility is confirmation enough. . ."

Severus coped with his loss in a different manner. He had always taken school too seriously thus consuming himself with homework was an everyday occurrence for him. Not a remedy for depression. He had to revolve his time in a different way to distract himself accurately. To counteract his sadness, and prevent anything from befalling his living child, he bombarded Holly with constant hovering and overprotection. There wasn't a time when she was left alone from him. If they were at a market or spending time at the park Severus would clutch the infant to him as if expecting someone to run by and snatch her. . .

"Aw, look at that adorable little one," said a sweet looking old lady one day while Severus was at the park with Holly. "What a darling."

Severus glared at the older woman, pulling the carriage back.

"Do you always violate the space of other people's children like that?" He spat in disgust. As if the older woman had done something truly offending.

"I beg your pardon?" She asked, thinking she had misheard him.

"Have you no concept of personal space? Not only am I against you shoving your muggle face so close to my daughter, making her susceptible to your T.B. or what ever viruses you seniors carry, I don't appreciate you speaking so loudly when she's obviously trying to nap!"

"Young man, I really must impress that you apologi—"

"Apologize to you, for what?" He exclaimed. "You're the one who is trying to kill my daughter with your diseases. It is you who should be apologizing to me. Although I wouldn't accept it, even if you had."

"I beg your pardon, sir, but I have ne—"

"Yes, I'm sure you're very offended. However, I do not care. Take yourself and your dementia; get the hell away from my child!" . . .

Both new parents had forgotten what it meant to have a decent nights sleep as Holly was a needy little thing. They would wake at six n in the morning; leave the child with Petunia or Rose; floo to Hogwarts to attend class; floo back home where one would do homework while the other would watch the baby then vice versa. Once She was bathed and put to bed at nine o'clock Lily and Severus would relax or catch a small wink of sleep before Holly began crying in hunger or wetness by midnight. The situation was going entirely well except for one strenuous and irksome detail.

Now, nine months after the twins's birth Severus was becoming ever more depraved. As he used to be before Holly was born, only ten times so. Over time his obsessive protection of Holly wasn't enough to counter the bereavement of loosing Jaiden and the stress of being a young father. The event stuck to him differently than Lily. Seemingly as if he couldn't shake it away. This being so he retreated straight back into the only thing he knew gave him comfort: the dark arts.

When at Lily's house, at the end of each day, he would finish his obligations with the baby then quickly burry his nose into some book about curses and dark magic. If he wasn't busy creating new hexes himself. It drove Lily insane that even though he was a father, with a duty to his daughter, he couldn't see that even a notion of an interest in the dark arts was a bad influence on her. And Severus didn't just have a glimmer of interest. He was absolutely obsessed.

"No, Holly," Severus said as she grabbed a handful of his hair and hauled down on it. He grasped her little hand and tore it from his head.

"No, Monster," he said again as she yanked his hair, her mouth in a gleeful smile while she shrieked in happiness. "You think that's funny do you?"

She confirmed her thoughts on the matter by viciously pulling on Severus' lengthy hair before he took the rubber band he kept on his wrist (since Holly developed this hair yanking habit three weeks ago) and roped his hair into a sloppy ponytail.

There was a loud bang as the front door opened and closed. Petunia, Lily, and Rose came through with grocery bags, all heading to the kitchen to place them on the counter. Only Lily took the time to come into the sitting room to greet him and Holly.

"Hey, Sev," she said as she stood in the center of the room, her hands on her hips. She gasped in happiness before walking towards her daughter.

"Hi Holly! Hello baby girl! What are you doing?" She asked as she lifted her off of Severus' lap.

Holly began to cry as Lily cradled her close to her body.

"Oh, what's wrong?" Lily cooed. "Did you feed her Severus?"

"Of course I fed her. Not twenty minutes ago," he said, his voice betraying the faintest tones of offense.

"What's wrong little one?" She cooed, bouncing her up and down, eliciting a louder cry from the baby.

Severus stood from the armchair he was resting in, walked over to Lily, and forced his hands around Holly's small chest, stealing her back, before he sat back down. To Lily's dismay Holly's crying dissipated almost immediately. Severus could not master the smug grin on his face thus letting it reign throughout the room.

"What?" Lily exclaimed looking quite frustrated. "She likes you more than me?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Severus said, although his grin said otherwise. "She's all of nine months old. She hasn't yet developed the art of preference."

"Than why did she stop crying when you took her?" Lily asked as Severus put Holly prone on the floor.

"I don't know—maybe she does like me more," he said, his sneer becoming more pronounced.

"Git," Lily accused as she put her hand out for Holly to grab at her fingers.

"You're just sincerely jealous," he commented, pulling his book from the side table and opening it to the page he had previously marked.

There was a long silence as Lily watched Severus read. Her eyes had traveled to the title of the book and it disgusted her to read 'Understanding The Inferi'. How could he read those books in her own mother's house? In Holly's house? He had some nerve and no concept of respect.

"Understanding the Inferi, Sev?" Lily asked, her tone acrimonious.

"It's actually quite interesting. Don't knock it until you've tried it," he said not detecting, or completely ignoring, her slight anger.

"Do you think you could go one bloody day without reading that dark arts rubbish?" She asked, glaring up at him from where she sat with Holly on the floor.

"Of course I could. Do I want to? No," he said, looking quite content. It was as if he was unaware Lily was arguing with him.

"I don't want you reading that shite around Holly."

"Yes, with her superior skills of reading I can understand how that might be a problem," he stated sarcastically, not lifting his eyes from the book.

"Severus, I'm serious!" She enjoined, grasping the book and throwing it to the floor. "I don't want you to bring that trash around her."

"Fine then," he said, grabbing the book from where the baby was playing with the pages. "As you wish," and walked from the room, causing Holly to begin crying.

. . .Those were things at home. . .

Circumstances weren't going well at school either. Severus hung around those Death Eater wannabes more than he used to. Lily knew they were his only companions but he was smart enough to realize they weren't true friends. If he died tomorrow they wouldn't care. Furthermore, hanging about that Slytherin posse lead him to committing atrocious exploitations to unsuspecting students. Acting out with his incredible knowledge of the dark arts and just being plain mean to everyone. The Severus she used to know appeared to be completely dead and buried.

This new Severus was someone who frightened her. He constantly went about with a scowl on his face. Seemingly on the verge of cursing anyone who as little as said 'hello' to him. More than once she would walk by him in the midst of conversation and would hear the word 'mudblood' ringing from the group. It didn't matter to her if it was him speaking or not. The fact that he could be around such prejudice proved enough. What was worse was he subverted her requests to keep the dark arts away from Holly. Just the day before yesterday she had come home and found him sitting with Holly on his lap, flipping through a picture-heavy volume about the different effects of flesh rotting charms. Yes, there was definitely something wrong in that boy. . .

Lily sat in the library, books stacked around her station. The parchment before her was blank save two ill constructed sentences. Her head was propped by her fist, leaving her face scrunched on one side. Her mind was on matters other than her stupid old transfiguration essay.

That day she had come upon Severus with his little buddies bullying a second year Hufflepuff in a vacant corridor. They had apparently taken turns casting various curses at their victim, laughing at her cries of anguish and terror. Lily had left as soon as she had stumbled upon the sight, unable to understand what in the fucking world was wrong with Severus. She knew she had a whole lot of thinking to do about where their relationship stood.

"You look perplexed," Severus commented as he was placing books on the shelves (one of the various tasks of his employment in the library).

"Yeah well, I am," she said venomously.

Severus knew that tone all too well. She was upset about something. He sighed deeply and placed his books on the table beside her.

"What have I done?" He asked monotonously.

"Nothing," she lied.

"I'm no master of occlumency but it's quite clear you're blatantly lying."

"I'm not lying," she spat, gathering her items into her bag.

"I wish you would tell me what was the matter."

"Severus, I said nothing!" She snapped. At that she picked up her meager essay and stalked from the library. Putting as much distance between Severus and herself as possible.

She huffily walked down the hall, not looking where she was going. She was so oblivious to everything around her, so consumed with her rage at Severus, she barely registered when she rammed right into a solid object. Bounding backwards, she fell to her buttocks with a painful thud.

"Sorry, Lily!" James Potter exclaimed looking sincerely apologetic.

"It's okay, James," She said, her irritation heightening. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"What's got your knickers in a twist?" He asked, detecting her foul mood as he helped her to her feet.

"Nothing in particular," she lied.

"Snape?" He guessed, hitting the nail on the head.

"Yeah," she confirmed, glaring in the opposite direction, her eyes flaring with a dangerous fire.

"What's he done?" James asked as they began walking together.

"Nothing really, just going about being himself."

"I heard that," James said, smiling enthusiastically. "Is there anything I can do to help out?"

"I'm not going to ask you to curse him, James," she said, guessing at his idea of assistance.

"I don't want to curse him—well I mean— I won't," he said with a chortle. Lily was surprised to find herself laughing along.

"So what's up? How are you?" Lily asked as they turned a corner and began walking out on the grounds.

"I'm out standing," he said dapperly. "Got the game against Ravenclaw on Saturday. Looking forward to that."

"Oh yeah," Lily said, remembering the flyers up in the Gryffindor tower (which she seldom went into for she didn't sleep there anymore). "Think you're gonna win?"

"I know we're going to win. Ravenclaw wouldn't know a decent play if it came and bit em on the neck," he said with confident finesse.

"Your modesty is overwhelming," said Lily with a challenging smile.

"Life's too short to be modest. What's the harm in knowing your great?"

"I suppose that has some truth to it. In an odd sort of way."

"Exactly!" James exclaimed happily. "So how's that rugrat of yours, Holly right?"

"Yeah, she's good; healthy," Lily said, although her expression read that not everything was peaches in the world of motherhood.

"I bet you're a brilliant mum," James commented, looking at her charmingly. Lily blushed lightly. "And rightly so, I'm sure Snape is a horrible father."

"He's actually a pretty good father for where it counts," Lily said, taking no offense to James's accusations of Severus' lax parenting skills. " He's just so keen on the dark arts— It's really troubling. Holly seems to be very taken with him, a daddy's girl for sure. I don't want his bad habit influencing her, or worse! I'm afraid, when she gets older, she's going to want to please him or copy him. Ya know, seek out black magic to do it? I just—Oh, I don't know. I wish he could just hang up the whole dark magic thing and just—be normal. Be _nice_, I suppose. I've asked him over a dozen times to not involve himself in that rubbish. For Holly's sake. He just won't do it! He's just so persistent to study them further."

"Yeah that's rough, you can take the Snape out of the dark arts but you can't take the dark arts out of the Snape. It's a principle of physics," James said rather playfully.

He may have been joking but Lily was unsure if James knew just how correct he was. Severus seemed incapable of change.

"Yes, well I suppose you're right," Lily laughed. " In all seriousness though if he doesn't shape up I'm going to have to take drastic measures."

"Like what do you mean?" James asked, pushing his slipping glasses up his nose.

"We-e-ell," Lily began as she sat down in the grass, James following her lead. "I'm going to keep Holly away from him. Tell him he can't see her until he cleans himself up."

Lily didn't know why she was telling James Potter all of this. These were very private details about her personal affairs. She was aware she needed someone to talk to because these thoughts had been driving her mad as of late, but why James Potter? It wasn't that hard of a puzzle in fact. Lily reasoned it was because James had a gift for easy conversation. It was so effortless to talk to him. Furthermore, James was everything Severus wasn't. He was kind natured, fervently against the dark arts, handsome, good at sports, and surrounded himself with good people. Why shouldn't she confide in him? He was making her laugh. He was agreeing with everything she was saying. Furthermore, he was making her feel good about herself. Everything a true friend was supposed to do. If someone had told her a year ago James Potter would be invoking these feeling in her she would have laughed herself into oblivion.

"I'm pretty sure you'll need a court order for that, Lily," said James, proverbially raining on her parade.

"Than I'll get one. It won't be difficult. I can't imagine any sane court would rule in his favor."

"You have valid points, Miss Lily," James said, pushing her flirtatiously. "I still wish there was something I could do to help."

"Well, there really isn't," She said smiling. "No matter how much you want to."

"How about I take you to dinner tonight? We can talk about it. Talking helps right?" James asked with a smile.

"Why, James Potter, are you asking me out on a date?" She replied in mock surprise.

"Why yes, I believe I am!" James said, his eyes brimming with hope.

"You know what? I would really love that," She said, smiling at him. "I'll meet you—where?"

"The entrance hall? Will seven o'clock do?" He asked as though he hadn't a weight in the world on his shoulders.

"I'll meet you there," She said, smiling at him. Unable to control her blushing.

"Excellent," James said, standing to his feet. "See you."

"Yeah bye. . ."

Severus was reeling the past few days over and over again in his head. The reason as to why Lily could be cross with him continued to elude his consciousness. He hadn't done anything to her. He hadn't shirked his responsibilities with Holly nor around the house. He had kept a civil tongue with Rose and even managed to treat Petunia as if she was worth more than a paper bag. So why was Lily upset?

In his contemplative state he didn't notice as Holly crawled to the coffee table and hoisted herself up by the edge (attempting to climb on top). He became all too aware as she came crashing down, wailing uncontrollably.

"_Shit_, Holly!" He scolded picking up the infant and checking the back of her head for any serious sign of injury. When all was concluded as normal he coddled her to him, trying to sooth her ragged cries.

"That's what happens when you're on a constant mission to kill yourself," he said softly as her cries began to dissipate. "Maybe it will teach you to be less daring in the future. Though I doubt it."

Holly liked to climb on everything.

She was looking into his face as if listening, her small fingers grabbing fistfuls of his clothes. She looked down at his chest and began playing with the buttons that clasped his robes in place.

Severus' attention shifted to the fireplace as it exploded in a green flame, Lily stepping out quite whimsically.

"Where in the bloody hell have you been?" Severus interrogated as he put Holly on the floor.

"I've been out," she said as a matter of factually.

"Where? It's nearly midnight you know," he said, sounding a lot like her deceased father.

"Yes, it is. So, why is Holly still awake?"

"She wouldn't take to her crib. She'd cry when I put her down. I figured she didn't have anything better to do tomorrow other than sleep, so why bother?"

"You have to show her who's the boss, Severus, or she'll take advantage of you."

"First you claim she can distinguish preferences. Now she's diabolic and capable of scheming? You do give her too much credit, Lily."

"Oh, what ever," Lily said, walking over to Holly. "Hi, baby girl!"

Lily hoisted Holly up from the floor and balanced her on her hip. She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of pineapple juice.

"So, where were you?" Severus asked, following her into the kitchen.

"I was out with James Potter," she said as if she went out with James every damn night of the week.

Severus felt as if he had been slapped. Surely he had misheard her. She couldn't have possibly said she was out with Potter.

"W-with James Potter?" He stammered. Bewilderment settling in, accompanied by an intense white-hot rage.

"Yes," she concluded before nonchalantly taking a swing from her cup.

"So, what? Was this some kind of date?" He asked, his heart beginning to pang against his rib cage as he anticipated the answer. He would surely loose it if Lily went on a date with James Potter.

"Yes, it was."

A horrible sick feeling creeped from Severus' chest and spread throughout his body. His head had a quick spout of dizziness, spots in front of his eyes, as he resisted the surge of violence that wracked his mind. Swallowing hard, he looked down at the counter utterly speechless.

"Did you and James Potter have a _wonderful_ time?" He asked through clenched teeth.

"I can't believe this, you're angry?" Lily asked incredulously.

"Where did he take you?" Severus inquired venomously, completely ignoring Lily's inquiry. "To the quidditch pitch to swoon you with his broom stick? Or did he take you to the shrieking shack to show off his pet werewolf?"

"Sev, you're being stupid," she spat as she walked back to the sitting room.

"Tell me! Did you have an absolutely romantic evening? Are you head over heels in love with _James Potter_?"

"What's the big deal, Severus? Why are you acting like this?"

"I'm acting like this because you went on a bloody date with bloody _James Potter_!"

Holly started to cry.

"I can go on dates if I want to! You're acting like I need your permission or something! What difference does it make if I go out with James Potter or anybody else?"

"The difference is it's _James Potter_!" He seethed, a sharp pang in his heart, his hands balling into fists, as his stomach twisted in knots.

He could not recollect a moment when he felt so angry, so betrayed. The fact that all Lily ever did was argue with him yet she wanted to be dated by James Potter shattered his spirit. The majority of his self esteem was crashing down around him. He thought he had Lily well within his grasp. They had a child together. They lost a child together. They lived together. He was so close to making his most vivid dreams a reality. Then, like everything else, James Potter swooped in and stole it.

"I can date who ever I please," Lily said haughtily, leaving the sitting room, Severus close in toe.

"Not James Potter!" Severus commanded as they climbed the stairs.

"You know what? Just because you're acting like this I'm going to go on a second date with him!" She yelled back as they entered Lily's room (where Holly's crib was).

"How can you do it?" He inquired as Lily tucked the screeching Holly into bed. "I mean literally, how?"

"He's actually quite charming," she said, pushing past Severus into the hall.

"He's quite _charming_?" Severus asked incredulously. "I've handled tentacula leaves more charming than James Potter."

"How would you know? You've never seen his good side," she commented as she sat in the sitting room. Crossing her legs and arms.

"He doesn't have a good side! Perhaps you've forgotten, he's spent the last seven years making my life a living hell!" He spat. "Not to mention that he's a complete asshole and a second rate human being."

"You should talk," Lily said darkly, glaring at him.

"What am I to understand by that?" Severus asked, forcing a fake calm to take effect. His eyes still glittering in anger.

"That you're at least ten times worse than James Potter could ever be. You're constantly burying yourself into the dark arts. You go about with those Death Eater wannabes cursing people for fun—don't deny it. I saw you today in the west corridor. That Hufflepuff girl," Lily said, her eyes filled with such disdain Severus was forced to look at the floor rather than meet her gaze. "Not to mention we both know how keen you are to join you-know-who— yeah got nothing to say now do you?"

"What do you want me to say? You've just called me a rotten person."

"I was expecting you to give me some kind of explanation but I guess there are none. You really are just—_different_. You're not the Severus I met at the park all those years ago a-and I have to say this new Severus is not someone I like being around."

Lily waited for him to say something but he remained silent. His hands were clasped behind his back his glare to the floor. She could see his chest rising and falling fervently as if he was suffering some kind of respiratory distress. He licked his lips slowly biting down on the lower one as it came into contact with his teeth. Since he wasn't going to speak she took advantage of his silence.

"Severus— I've asked you to change over one hundred times. The more I ask the more you resist me. The more you read your dark arts trash, play Death Eater with Avery, and the more you influence Holly with it."

"I don't influe—"

"Severus I walked in on you showing her a book about flesh rotting hexes! So, don't sit here and lie to me!" She said louder than she would have liked.

He quickly shut his mouth, returning duly to his glowering.

"Look I think maybe it would be a good idea for you to go home tonight. I-I don't really want you here anymore."

"Look I'm sorry about flying off the handle with the whole James Potter thing. I was just—"

"It has nothing to do with you being angry about James Potter. This is something I've been thinking on for a little while. I don't want my daughter growing up around someone who idolizes the dark arts. So, until you can truthfully say that you're done with it. I don't want you around me or Holly."

"You can't just keep me away from my daughter," he said, his eyes stoney with fear and heartache.

"I'm prepared to take you to court with it," she said. "Or you can just yield to my requests. I'll let you see her twice a month but don't think it won't be supervised."

"So—this is how it's going to be?" He whispered, his voice dangerous.

Severus thought he was superbly angry about Lily's date. That was a mere mole hill in comparison to the mountain of rage he had become over the last one-hundred-twenty seconds. How dare Lily take Holly away from him? So what if he knew more than the average person about the dark arts? It wasn't as if he was demonstrating the unforgivables to Holly. And why shouldn't his daughter share his interests? She was just as much his as she was Lily's.

"Yes, Severus this is how it's going to be until you shape up. If you resist me I'm just going to take you to court and file for full custody. So, you just weigh your options before you go and do something stupid."

"Perhaps I place you under the imperius curse?" Severus threatened, his irritation, sorrow, and anger forcing him to say anything to take the upper hand. He _was_ seventeen he had no trace.

"You can get out now," Lily said, walking to the door and opening it for him. "You can get your things in the morning. After that—I don't want to see you in this house anymore."

"As you wish," he spat, his heart truly breaking.

"_I wish_ you weren't such an evil prat!" She yelled venomously, slamming the door as he left.

Severus stood on the front porch for what seemed like hours before his numb legs began carrying him to his house at Spinners End. He wished that the floo connection from Lily's to Hogwarts didn't turn off after midnight. He would have much rather gone to the castle over his parents shack of a home.

It wasn't as if he had always been blatantly trying to disobey Lily and continue studying and practicing the dark arts. It just happened. There would be intervals where he wouldn't touch a black magic book for days. He wouldn't throw a curse at anyone, but he didn't see Lily commenting one that. She only focussed on when he would slip up and study dark magic again. Even so, when not studying about it he was thinking about it. He could not help what he found interesting or what appealed to him. The dark arts had always been a fascination of his. The dark arts was his comfort zone, it was something that was always there when he needed distraction or alleviation. Those amenities were hard to pass up.

As for Lily slandering his friends in Slytherin they had always accepted him for the way he was. They never pestered him for anything and never tried to change him. Did that really seem so terrible to her? He didn't feel he should have to choose between the dark arts and his friends over his Daughter. It didn't seem right.

How could Lily do this to him? Wasn't it bad enough that she went out with James Potter? Wasn't it a big enough slap in the face that she had called him a rotten human being? Was it not proficient that she thought of him as scum, always argued with him, and despised him outwardly when all he did was love her indiscriminately. There were plenty of things that_ she_ did which annoyed him, but you never saw him complaining about it. For example how her voice changed slightly when talking to professors. How she began a majority of her sentences with a lengthy 'well'. She would drink water directly from the kitchen faucet instead of fetching a glass. These behaviors irritated him but he never said or did anything about it. But of course, when he does something that annoyed her he was shunned from Holly. How was that fair? Why could she not just leave it alone?

Just because he had a habit out of the dark arts didn't mean she had to take Holly away. Holly was the only thing that brought him any fulfilled happiness and now he was only going to be able to see her twice a month? The big talk contained within Severus' began to activate in his frustration. Lily's requests be damned! She could take him to court! He would not be parted from his daughter! This was of course false. He would never go against anything Lily wanted. Even if it brought him nothing shy of misery. . .

He unlocked his front door with the wave of his hand and stepped into the dark living room. He could hear the dull sound of yelling coming from his parent's bedroom as that familiar sick feeling of hatred took hold of him. He ascended the stairs, the arguing growing louder, until he shut himself into his room, collapsing onto his bed.

Anger surged through him like electricity. He was finding it difficult to empty his rampant emotions away as he had been practicing, in the name of occlumency, for the past six months. The sounds of his parents fighting wracked through him, cooking a rage so exquisite that he was positive he would explode from the sheer agony of not being able to bear such intense asperity. His pulse was bounding, his teeth were bared as he yanked his pillow from under his head and placed it over his face. He allowed himself to yell as loud as he could, the sound muffled by the constricted pillow. Rolling onto his stomach he clasped the pillow over his head as the familiar thud of skin to skin contact met his covered ears.

He felt as if he needed to break something; the urge to kill and destroy. He imagined himself stalking from his room and beating his father within an inch of his life as he heard a loud sob from his parent's room. Magic be damned. He would definitely do it the muggle way, with knives or a bat. The notion of making someone feel as much pain as he felt (especially his bastard father) brought him slight comfort as he fell into a very unsatisfying and shallow sleep. . .

-seven months later-

"James, stop it!" Lily laughed as he tickled her. She was perched on his lap surrounded by Black, Lupin, and that reject Pettigrew.

It was May and the sun was shining brightly over the castle. The majority of students were outside either in the courtyard, by the lake, or at the edge of the forest. The smell of snap dragons and honey suckle surrounded the grounds, coming in warm dense quantities with the humid air. The sound of the rare cicada chirped in the distance, mixing with the laughter and shrieks of playing first and second years.

Severus was across the courtyard leaning against a pillar, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes were glued to the now golden couple as they pressed their lips together. Severus' scowl grew more pronounced as the familiar fire of jealousy kindled in his veins.

"Hey!" Rosier exclaimed, thunking him on the head. "Stop fawning over her, Severus! She stole your fucking child _and_ your dignity. Time to move on."

Severus ripped his scowl from Lily and James to be directed at Evan.

"Really Snape, it's right pathetic," Avery added.

"She chose _Potter_ over _you_! She's a bitch—with no common sense," Wilkes chimed in.

"She's a mudblood! Forget about her," Regulus Black said.

"Yes, yes," Severus agreed, uncrossing his arm as he pushed himself off the support of the pillar, aiming to sit next to Mulciber at the picnic table they were playing cards at.

"Don't trouble yourself with her," Mulciber insisted, flipping one of his cards over. "In one months time you'll be joining The Dark Lord. You'll need to keep a clear head."

"I'm well aware."

"Yeah I heard the initiation is something else," Avery voiced, looking mildly nervous, grasping his cards with white knuckles. "What do you suppose goes on?"

"Father says its top secret," Mulciber informed him, taking a card from the deck. " Rumor had it that you must shed blood and drink poison in his name, but that's just hearsay. No one but the Death Eaters and The Dark Lord truly knows what happens. We'll find out soon enough though— _Severus_! Really why don't you just go over there and curse Potter if it bothers you so fucking much?"

"I can't just go over there and curse him. No matter how much I'd fucking like to. I'm supposed to be quitting the dark arts remember?" Severus said. 'Quitting': as if black magic was a drug.

"Oh, please, you're closer to becoming Witch Weekly's hottie of the month than you are to abandoning the bloody dark arts— Rosier it's your draw."

"Yeah and why bother not cursing the blimey bastard?" Avery asked. " You've already told Lucius to account you for this year's initiation. So you're not _quitting_ anything. Doesn't seem like a bad idea to show the mudblood who the bigger man is."

"Lily's not impressed by curses," Severus said coldly, his frustration apparent.

"Why are you into her again?" Wilkes asked, staring at Severus with a dumbfounded expression.

"Cause he's got a hard on for mudblood trash," Mulciber said, eliciting laughter from the pack of death-eaters-to-be.

"Stuff it," Snape said, sounding quite agitated. His annoyed demeanor caused the group to break into pure cachinnation once more.

"But really, Snape," Avery began, drawing a card. " All kidding aside. Why not go hex him into submission? We all know you're never going to stop using the dark arts, you're too good. So what are you trying to prove? Why are you torturing yourself? Just go over there and _sectumsempra_ his ass. Make him sorry for running his hands all over your baby's mama."

More laughter.

"I agree the chances of my abandoning the dark arts are slim to none. However, what Lily doesn't know won't hurt her. I have to appear as if I'm abiding by her rules or else I'll never get to see Holly. Do you deny that if I went over there and cursed Lily's boy toy right in front of her she might not allow me within thirty feet of Holly? The bottom line is I must be with my daughter."

"_Awwwwww!_" They all cooed in mock endearment.

"Oh, fuck the lot of you," Severus said, pushing himself up from the table and walking away from the group with the smallest of smirks playing on his lips. . .

* * *

**Author's Note:** Hope you enjoyed chapter seven. At this point things are going to grow a little darker, more misfortune plagues our protagonist, and so much more. Stay tuned for chapter eight.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

Severus ran his hand over the branded skin of his left forearm, sending slight shivers up his spine. The serpent enwrapped black skull stared back into his attentive gaze, completely healed since the initiation six month ago. Had it truly been that long, six months he'd been a Death Eater?

Within the small yet vast time limit Severus had found himself loving and hating his service to The Dark Lord. Brewing and researching by day: he adored. He would wake early in the morning and begin mixing potions for his master or research the makings of an old spell. The best part of it was that all of it was dark magic. Severus had never felt quite so at home, like he truly fit in somewhere. The part which he hated, which he didn't think would bother him in the beginning, was the violence and crime. Since his inditement he had committed atrocious things. Poisoning a helpless preteen muggle born while testing an elixer for his lord. Bloodied a man that would not come quietly to an interrogation. He had witnessed far worse being performed by other Death Eaters but that didn't ease his own guilt.

As he sat, marveling at his length stay with The Dark Lord Severus allowed his mind to commemorate the event of being inducted as one of The Dark Lord's servants. . .

_Severus was contained within a dark room where a single floating lantern hung from the ceiling. The soft glow illuminated the tiny space with an orange blush that casted shadows across his features and all other margins of the room. He held his hands clasped behind his back, clutching at them furiously for he hated the sensation of nervousness that involuntarily racked his person. He was so enveloped in his thoughts; in his worries, that he was very much startled when the door opened with a loud creak._

_"Its time," Lucius Malfoy said with a triumphant smile. He stood in the doorway, flushed by the dull orange light, his cane resting idly by his side._

_Severus spoke no words as he followed Lucius out of the room and down several long corridors. The faint sound of screams echoed in the distance the two made their way to places unknown to Severus. They stopped at a threshold barricaded by two large black doors._

_"This is where I leave you," Lucius said, looking down at Severus as a prideful owner would at an obedient hound. " He's expecting you."_

_Severus drew a shaky breath as Lucius knocked on the door three times. The grand entrance whooshed open, causing a faint wind to blow across the two men's faces, fluttering their hair. Severus clenched his jaw and walked through the doors as they slammed shut in his wake._

_This new room was extravagant in size and shrouded in antiquity. The two arm chairs that rested before the victorian hearth were of late-renaissance-revival style upholstered in green fabric. The walls were lined with extraordinary bookcases, faded with age, decorated by marquetry inlay complete with neoclassical motifs and garlands of snakes. There was an impressive collection of fascinating objects filling these shelves and Severus wished he could examine them more closely. However, the tall red-eyed man standing in the midst of the room stayed his curiosity._

_"Come," he said, crooking his head upward, his voice like splintered ice._

_Severus felt his feet being magically actuated as he advanced closer to Lord Voldemort. Upon being mere inches from him the magic forced Severus to genuflect, his gaze being directed to the floor. His pulse was lightening, his chest was tight, his body quivering internally._

_He bared his teeth as a sensation of magic, ice-pick like in nature, penetrated into his mind. It took all his control to not whimper in agony as his thoughts were painfully shifted through. A coursing sweat broke out at Snape's temple as his jaws clenched forcefully together. He was powerless to do anything save tolerate the discomfort and endure it with as much dignity and grace as he could muster. The whole ordeal, seemingly hours to Severus, was a few short minutes in reality._

_"Very good," The Dark Lord said, removing the ice picks from Severus' mind. "Your intentions are not in question, young one. However, where does your allegiance fair?"_

_"W-with you, My Lord," Severus croaked, still recovering from the agonizing infiltration of his mind._

_"Of course," The Dark Lord whispered, his thin lips twisting into a shallow smile. "You are prepared to prove it?"_

_"Yes, My Lord."_

_The Dark Lord rose his wand with the quick of a flash and pointed it directly at Severus' throat. There was a sensation of a prickly rope being strung about his neck, growing tighter by the millisecond. Until breathing was an arduous chore._

_"Are you prepared to do whatever I may ask of you to prove your devotion to me?"_

_"Y-yes, My Lord," Severus replied, resisting the urge to claw at the magical bind on his neck._

_"Are you prepared to protect the sanctity of my name?"_

_"Yes_—_ My Lord."_

_"Are you prepared to kill in my name?"_

_"Yes, My_—_ Lord."_

_"Are you prepared to die in my name?"_

_There was a moment of silence as Severus contemplated the question. He was uncertain wether he would sincerely die for The Dark Lord. He wanted to be apart of his organization, but was he truly willing to end his own life for a man he had met moments ago? Severus reasoned it was not the man he would die for but the cause. The objective was good and he would have no qualms with dying for a magical community that had no undesirables or degenerates staining its prestige. Better yet, a world where muggles would rightly tremble at his feet. He seemed to have been silent for a moment too long as the invisible rope clamped down tighter upon his throat._

_"Yes, Master_—_anything," Severus said quickly, his hands bawling into fists at his sides._

_"Do you willingly bind yourself to me for as long as your life extends?"_

_"Yes, My Lord."_

_"Do you vow to give me your body, your soul, and personal will to use at my disposal in any way I see befitting?"_

_"Yes, My Lord."_

_"Then you are mine," The Dark Lord said as he lazily flicked his wand to stop the choking of his latest servant. "Present your left arm."_

_Severus, who was breathing erratically, pulled up his black sleeve and revealed the milk white skin beneath. The Dark Lord took Severus' wrist into his long fingers as his wand elongated, as if growing an extra attachment. The junction was a brand, the image of the dark mark, glowing red with heat, at its end. Severus closed his eyes as His Lord's wand drew closer to his vulnerable skin._

_"Open your eyes, Severus. You are to witness my possession over you," said The Dark Lord, a hungry glint in his eyes._

_Severus immediately opened his eyes and watched as the brand came closer and closer. It was pressed against his twitching skin with a hiss, black smoke billowing from the sides. Severus gasped in astonishment at the ripping pain that raced from his arm, across his chest, up his neck, coursing through his whole body, jumping from one bone to the next. His arm was shaking violently, held still by Voldemort's grip as the smoke began to subside._

_The Dark Lord withdrew the brand as his wand returned to its ordinary length. Severus gulped, his head light and spinning with pain. Severus' eyes wandered from his master's feet to a giant snake slithering across the floor to coil at The Dark Lord's base, her tongue flicking out in Severus' direction as if acquainting herself with him._

_"You belong to me now, you are one of my Death Eaters. You will serve me indiscriminately and abide by my orders as law. If you fail to adhere to me you will be shown no mercy. None defy Lord Voldemort and live to tell about it. Do I make myself plain?"_

_"Yes, Master," Severus whispered, feeling unexpectedly violated. . ._

Severus sighed as he recalled the events of six month ago and pushed himself up from his desk. He felt like a walk and decided to roam The Dark Lord's headquarters, which the Death Eaters nicknamed Vertice (the latin term for mountain top).

The headquarters were strategically placed in the midst of the Munros Mountain ranges allowing the victims and prisoners to scream as loud as they pleased and for the Death Eaters to use as much magic without worrying about such annoyances as detection or interference by the ministry.

He ushered through the many corridors until he came upon the front entrance, throwing it open with a wave of his wand. He drew in the chilled December air as his eyes drank in the majestic white covered terrain. His comrades never seemed to appreciate the mountain's glory as Severus did but he could not help but admire it.

The black rocks that piled so high, overlapping each other, casting divine shadows over their girth. The way the wind howled into the deepness of the crevasse as it whipped whirlwinds of snow flakes around the peaks. How the sun would shine through the clouds, creating long rays of light that seemed to have no end. The altitude at which Vertice was stationed did not tolerate the growth of vegetation but Severus found the white dessert more beautiful than any common forest.

It was times like these, all alone, basking in the allure of the mountains, that Severus' mind would wander to his children. How he missed Holly terribly and couldn't wait to see her that evening (it was one of his scheduled visits). He thought of Jaiden and imagined what it would be like if he was still alive. As Holly would be waiting to see him that night so would his son.

He was so enthralled with the sublime beauty of the mountain, his thoughts of Holly and Jaiden, that he barely noticed the deep burning in his left arm. The sear of his master attempting to summon him. He quickly turned on his heels and made his way, as quickly as possible, to the two large black doors. He knocked twice before they flew open, as they always did, shutting behind him as he entered.

He prostrated himself before The Dark Lord who's vibes were all but comforting. There was a long nasty silence as The Dark Lord was rummaging through something. Curiosity of the Dark Lord's actions sparked within him but Severus dare not move nor raise his gaze to his master.

"So," The Dark Lord began, his voice dangerous. " You are well informed, I'm sure, about our recent failure?"

"Yes, My Lord," Severus whispered, all too aware of the previous night's fiasco.

"The Evanescent Elixir needed to avoid detection was reported as ineffective. Bella seems to be convinced that it was your faulty brewing that lead to our downfall," The Dark Lord accused, his voice dripping with disdain.

"With all do respect, My Lord, you speak of a downfall. My Lord, we are still winning this war. One failure does not signify our utmost defeat."

"Silence," hissed The Dark Lord. "I do not tolerate failure, I do not tolerate imperfection. Bella is adamant that you are fully to blame for this folly. Do you deny it, Severus?"

"The Evanescent Elixir is not foreign to me, Master. I cannot imagine a reason as to why it would be rendered ineffective. I would check the mixture myself but all was used last night."

"Yes, I am well aware of your inability to concoct adequate amounts for usage _and_ stock," The Dark Lord spat, walking ever closer to Severus, his wand being pulled from his robes. "You cannot recall a single mistake you might have made, not one?"

"N-no, My Lord, I cannot. The potion had the proper color; the proper consistency," Severus uttered truthfully, eyeing the brandished wand wearily, fear instinctively setting in.

"Perhaps the Cruciatus shall jog your memory," The Dark Lord spat venomously as he raised his wand to Severus. "_Crucio_!"

It happened too quick for the sick fear to set in as the pain inundated Severus, hitting him like a wrecking ball. He fell from his knees to his side as his body convulsed in pain, his breathing hitched and irregular.

It was as if someone had smelted down his organs and bones thus pouring the hot mixture onto his overly stimulated skin. There were needles being dragged through his eyes as every limb he possessed was being broken and bruised. His throat was raw and scathed as he screamed in supreme agony. Pleading for it all to stop. Then all it once, it did.

"Do you feel like telling me the truth or shall we continue?" The Dark Lord asked, raising his wand again.

Severus pressed his now sweating cheek to the cold tile floor, relishing its reassuring chill. Panting roughly, he swallowed hard and clenched his jaw, the thought of talking made his head explode in protest.

"I—I wasn't—I wasn't lying, My Lord. Bellatrix must be—trying to—place the fault in me— to cover her own—"

"_Crucio!_"

The dire pain returned, making Severus' body contort into shapes he didn't even know were possible for a human being. Arching his back, his whole body violently shaking, sweat poured down his face, as he screamed exquisitely. The pain vanished as Voldemort removed the curse and stood directly in front of Severus.

"So, you presume to say _I_ have made an error in taking Bellatrix's account as trusting?"

"N-no, My—My Lord!" Severus protested through his panting, unable to fathom what would become of him if he had to endure another bout of the Cruciatus Curse. " _S-she_ must— be m-mistaken! I made— that potion— flawlessly, I swear! I would never— be careless— with a brew made— to serve, His Lordship."

"Saying she was misconstrued would indicate that I was mistaken in trusting her. I do not make mistakes, Severus, you know this. So, the fault must be yours!"

"M-My Lord I—"

"_Crucio!_"

The most incredible dread enveloped Severus as he was subjected to the intense pain for the third time in under ten minutes. His body cried out for mercy, his screams begging for the same. The agony was incredible, raking his body in despair and dragging his mind into depths so deep he scarcely believed he would be able to pull himself back to sanity. Tears were involuntarily flowing from his eyes, mixing with the vicious sweat from his scalp. His hands clawed at the floor as if attempting to grab something that was not there. He continued to cry in relief when the spell was lifted, leaving his body trembling violently.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Severus chanted over and over again as Voldemort looked down at him with contempt. "You're right— Master, I made the potion— i-incorrectly. I'm sorry— I'm so sorry. . ."

"You will do well to make your mixtures with more care in the future," The Dark Lord spat as Severus nodded indefinitely. "Get out of my sight!"

"Th-thank you, My Lord," he choked as he pushed his aching body up from the floor.

Severus forced his mutilated body to move as pain raced through all his limbs. He trudged to the door and left silently, hoping he could just die instead of be forced to endure the long hours of suffering he knew lie ahead. His shaking legs carried him to his personal quarters. His body cried out in gratitude as he flopped face first onto the bed, allowing unconsciousness to take him. . .

_Severus looked around himself, not knowing where he was or who he was. His wand was clutched tightly in his sweating hand and he was running; running. The corridor in which he sprinted down was of a dilapidated castle, in some unknown location. The sound of his ramped steps consumed him, for there was no other sound, no light in which to see. The giant stone walls elongated as he ran, simultaneously beginning to close in, becoming smaller, tighter. He stopped running with a skid as a grating sound, like nails on a chalk board, enveloped his ears. Smaller; tighter; claustrophobic; paralyzing; terrifying. He had to get out of this; before he was squashed to death! In his frantic means of escape, half way down the shrinking hall, he discovered a baby sitting in the midst of the chaos. It's back was towards him and it appeared to be preoccupied with something on the floor. Severus called out to the child, but no sound bounded from his voice. He tried again; running; but no sound. He reached the child, picking it up as he began inching side ways to avoid being crushed, the child cradled to his breast._

_The baby began to wail as Severus clutched him, the walls less than an inch away from annihilating him and the child. Severus closed his eyes tightly as a squeezing pain racked his body, pressing him between the two walls. When he was sure his organs were going to burst, his bones breaking, he dissolved into nothing, swirling in a vortex of purple and black clouds. He tried to hold onto the baby but it slipped from his grasp, spiraling down into the void as if being sucked by a drain._

_"Jaiden!" He screamed, stretching his hand out for the child. The baby swirled into nonexistence causing tears of frustration and sorrow to mount in Severus' eyes. He continued to spin into oblivion, being sucked through the whirlpool of nothingness, until he felt solid ground beneath his feat with a bang._

_Lord Voledmort stood before him, standing more than nine feet tall, his cloak billowing and his eyes shining a deep red. Severus cowered before his enlarged master, trembling uncontrollably._

_"Severus," The Dark Lord moaned eerily. "Severus—Hey, Snape. . ."_

"Severus? Hey, Snape?"

Severus groaned lightly as he woke, a powerful throb in his head and an itchy pain in his throat. He looked around his room to find Avery at his door, the source of his disrupted slumber.

"What do you want?" He asked irritably, pushing his aching body up from the comforts of lying down.

Upon sitting up at the edge of the bed an uncontrollable urge to vomit enveloped him. It surged through his body, making his pulse quicken and his head feel heavy. Swallowing hard, he placed his cold hand to his fevered forehead, leaning his elbow on his seated knee for support.

"Seeing if you wanted to come with Mulciber and me," Avery replied.

"Come where?" Snape asked, his head still in his hand.

"To the Christmas party at the Malfoys," he said as if it was a matter everyone should know about.

"Is it Christmas Eve?" Severus asked bewildered, looking up at his calendar as if he actually ticked off the days.

Then he remembered he had known it was Christmas Eve that day, he had been anticipating it. Today was one of his visitation days with Holly. Lily was kind enough to make it fall on Christmas Eve, but not generous enough for Christmas morning. Nonetheless, he was thrilled to go and see his daughter. Happiness swept his person, mixing with the physical agony and hardened nausea from the previous torture.

"Yes, you dolt," Avery said, chuckling at Severus' astonishment. "You coming?"

"I'll show up eventually," he replied, becoming ever more grateful that Avery awoke and reminded him that it was the twenty-fourth. "I'm going to see Holly first."

"Still concerning yourself with that mudblood mother of hers are ya?"

_"I would never unconcern myself with Lily," _he thought.

"Yes," was his terse answer as he pulled a neatly wrapped box from a drawer in his desk. He pushed it closed and walked briskly past Avery, his whole body aching in protest.

"Well, see ya, you great slimy git!" Avery called to his retreating back.

Severus walked down the mountain to the appointed point of apparition and disappeared with a crack. He whirled through England until he was in front of the apartment complex Lily had recently moved into. She didn't have a job so Severus didn't know how she had managed to pay for it. Obliviated the land lord no doubt.

He walked up the many stairs until he was at the door numbered 505, knocking softly. He could hear Lily talking to Holly about going to see who was at the door as well as her solid strides accompanied by Holly's disproportionate ones.

Lily opened the door and Severus' breath was almost stolen away by how beautiful she looked. Her hair was done up in an elegant clip, a few long red strands falling to her shoulders. She wore a black boat-neck dress with a golden necklace, a snitch charm attached to the chain. Her perfume, highly intoxicating, was something sweet that Severus couldn't quite place his finger on. Perhaps cherry blossom? She had on light make-up, her lips a glossy pink, matched with the faint pink blush on her face. The high heels she wore made her tower inches over her natural height, putting her at exact eye length with Severus.

"Merry Christmas," she said as she put an earring into her ear. "Come in, it's freezing."

"Merry Christmas," he responded tensely.

"Da'ee!" Holly exclaimed (unable to pronounce the inner 'D's) in her high pitched toddler voice, jumping into his arms. He almost moaned in pain as he exerted effort to lift his daughter to his chest. He made a very valiant effort to hide it, however, his flash of pain did not go unnoticed by Lily.

"Ah, how are you, monster?" He asked as he followed Lily into the kitchen, carrying Holly as he went

She nodded, smiling at him, convinced that this was an appropriate response to his question. Severus couldn't suppress a smile at her young ignorance.

It had only been a month since Severus had last seen his daughter and he was always shocked by how much she seemed to grow from one visit to the next. She still had bulges of baby fat around her arms and legs; her chubby cheeks but was definitely slimmer than the last time he had seen her, shrinking in maturity. Her dark wavy hair fell down to tickle her shoulders, framing her pale-skinned face that had already began to shape like Severus'; angular and sharp. She wore a black Christmas dress (definitely Lily's doing) and thick white tights. Severus thought she looked like a tiny penguin but he kept his opinions on the matter to himself.

"What's up, Severus?" Lily asked, staring at him, her face scrutinizing. "Everything, okay?"

"Yes," he replied, placing Holly back on her feet, allowing her to scamper away to the living room.

"You look like you're hurting or something. Are you sick?" She asked, searching his face for an answer.

"I'm quite well," he said, clasping his hands behind his back.

Lily studied him unconvinced. His face was shades paler than it once was, almost grey in color. His black eyes were encircled by dark purple crescents, his hair sporting a dull quality as if a corpse's. His cheeks, hollow before, had become so deep they could serve as bowls. The thin layer of sweat about his person didn't say much for health either. She was so preoccupied with his face that for a moment she didn't notice he had dropped weight. This was of course a problem for he was already thin before.

"Are you positive you're not sick?" She asked, reaching out her hand and placing it on his forehead.

Severus had to resist the quiver of pleasure that raced through his body at her contact, pulling his head to the side instead.

"I'm really quite positive."

"You feel warm," she said, crossing her arms.

"I'm a mammal, I run hot," he countered sardonically as he walked to the living room, abandoning Lily and the conversation.

"Look what I brought you, Holly," he said as cheerfully as he could for how rotten he felt, presenting the box to the eager toddler.

Holly excitedly took the present from him and began fervently trying to unwrap the paper. After a few moments she created a tear big enough to unwrap the box which contained a child's potions kit.

"What do you say, Holly?" Lily asked pleasantly, thinking it nice for Severus to give Holly such a thoughtful gift.

"T'ank you," she said, throwing her pudgy arms around his neck and resting her head on his shoulder. He patted her back absent-mindedly, stroking her long black hair a few times.

"Listen, Severus," Lily said, stepping into the room. "I was going to go out for a few hours."

"I figured as much seeing as you're all dressed up," Severus said, his eyes on Holly who was trying to open the cardboard box containing her new toy.

"Yes, well, I was going to ask you to watch Holly but I don't know, you seem sick," she said, chewing her bottom lip in contemplation.

"No, no, no you go out," he said, grasping the chance to be alone with Holly for the first time in basically a year and a half. "I'm quite well."

"Are you sure?" She asked, grabbing a black purse from the dining table and placing on her over robes.

"Yes, positive," Severus said. "We're going to have—uh—fun, aren't we Holly?"

"Yep, yep, yep," she said, climbing into his lap with a stuffed animal. "Look!"

"You go on," Severus said, taking the stuffed animal Holly was trying to show him.

"You'wr not looking!" she pouted.

"All right, if you're sure," Lily said, walking over to Holly and lifting her up. "Bye, bye, Baby! Mummy's going to go out with her friends for a little while."

"Bye, bye, Mummy," she said, waving her hand at herself, instead of Lily.

"Be a good girl for, Daddy. There's food in the fridge when she gets hungry," Lily informed Severus before she set Holly down. "Her bed time is eight thirty sharp," and at that she left the house, turning the door lock behind her.

"What do you want to do then, Holly?" Severus asked as she crawled onto the couch beside him.

"I don' know," she said, picking at a string from her tights.

"Well, do you want to make a potion with your new cauldron?" He asked, picking up the box that she had abandoned, unable to unstick the tape.

"I don' know how do t'hat," she said, shifting to sit on her knees, flipping her hair as she did so.

"You don't?" He asked in mock surprise. "Well, it's a good thing I've made a potion or two in my life. I'm confident I can help you."

"Kay," she said happily as Severus opened the box up, carrying it over to the dining table. Brewing was barely a living room activity.

He pulled out the pyrex cauldron and child safe burner along with the bag of ingredients and plastic cutting knives. The potions set was not for children of her age group but, like both of her parents, Holly was advanced in learning. He wasn't concerned for her safety despite the fire and sharp objects. She wasn't fool enough to harm herself.

"Wha' kinda, um—po'tun we gonna make?" She asked, kneeling on the dining chair, her arms folded on the table as she teetered up and down.

"It, lo-o-o-oks like," Severus pulled the ingredients from the small bag and deducted it was definitely Capioconversus or the hair-color changing potion. "It's a hair dying mixture. It will temporarily change the color of your hair."

"Oh—Wha's tempowawily?" She asked, still teetering up and down.

"It means for a short time," he told her.

"Oh," she said, standing on the chair now.

"Would you like to get started?" He asked softly, pulling her down so she would at least kneel on the chair.

"Yeah," she said happily, eliciting Severus to start the burner with his wand.

The hours passed quickly as he would cut the ingredients to size and pass them to Holly who enthusiastically would throw them into the cauldron and squeal with excitement when the liquid changed color, started bubbling, or emitted sparks. At one point Severus began periodically, unbeknownst to Holly, flicking the cauldron with his wand causing it to sputter violently and give off pink and purple smoke. This drove Holly wild as she repeatedly asked him if he saw what it did for which he played dumb saying he hadn't seen a thing and that she was a silly girl.

When they were finished with the mixture Severus moved them to the couch and told Holly to bring him her favorite book so he could read it to her. She had happily vanished into her room to bring back a book entitled 'Which Witch is Which'.

"…And as the seconds ticked on they began to recognize each other. The two witches hugged and kissed each other before mounting their brooms and flying home together, the end."

"Da'ee?" She inquired after he had closed the book and set it aside.

"Hmm?"

"Why awe you not he'wre?" She asked, her eyes casted down at her knees.

"I am here, Holly," he said with a small grin.

"No, why awe you not he'we all da time?"

"I think that would be a question better directed at your mother," Severus replied calmly.

"di' ask hewr but she said peecuz you half to— stwaighten youwr wife out. I don know wha' t'hat means," she confessed, looking hurt and confused.

"Well, Holly it means that I have some habits that your mother doesn't like. She wishes for me to cleanse myself of them before I can be around you more, does that makes sense?"

"Wha' habits?" She asked, unsure of what habits really were but asking nonetheless. What ever habits were they weren't good because they kept Daddy aware from her.

"Certain magic," he said, unwilling to delve further than that with his two year old child.

"Oh—You cou'stop doing magic and mummy will wet you wiv wit' us!"She exclaimed happily as if experiencing the most vivid epiphany in the world.

Severus chuckled lightly before informing her it was a little more complicated than that but he would run it by her.

"I think its time for you to get ready for bed, Monster" he said looking at the clock, reading it at eight-forty.

"No!" She exclaimed.

"No?" He inquired. "Well, I don't think you have a choice so let's go," he said, wrapping his arm around her torso and carrying her under his arm.

"No, no, no!" She hollered, yet she was smiling.

"Yes, yes, yes," he replied, carrying her to her bedroom where he fought a squirming Holly to remove her dress, shoes and stockings to get her into a night shirt. Once that grueling task had been completed he helped her brush her teeth and go potty.

"Get in there," he said as he pulled back her covers.

Holly crawled into her bed and snuggled underneath the blankets as Severus drew them to her chin.

"Have pleasant dreams," he said before kissing her on the forehead.

"Wuv you," she said, smiling up at him.

"And I you," he said, patting the side of her face tenderly. "Sleep well, love."

"Night Da'ee," she yawned as he stood and walked to her door, turning off her lamp with the flick of his wand. He closed her door half way (knowing she feared the dark) and continued out to the living room.

He sat on the couch utterly exhausted, his head still throbbing from his meeting with The Dark Lord hours ago. When sitting motionless he realized his arms or legs would twitch involuntarily as if being pricked by small surges of electricity. He sighed deeply and took the TV remote that sat on the armrest. It had been a long while since he had catered to the mind-numbing activity of watching television. Nothing else sounded more blissful.

The TV flashed on to reveal a commercial about face make-up. He took the channel guide next to him and flipped to the appropriate date. Several Christmas specials, that he recalled from his youth, were playing but he had no desire to watch that filth. There was a Star Trek marathon playing on channel twenty two and he decided that was the only thing worth watching. He watched as the Enterprise crew got themselves into all kinds of inane situations until his heavy eyes fell closed, enveloping him in a deep sleep.

"Sev, hey, Sev," someone was saying as he felt himself being shaken.

"What?" He asked, not opening his eyes but shifting his head from the right to the left.

"You should go home," Lily said as Severus lifted his eye lids, raising his watch to his gaze. He wearily scanned the apartment, noticing the window covered in frost (it had started to snow outside). He realized the TV was still playing Star Trek as his vision worked it's way to Lily who was occupying the armchair adjacent to the couch.

"How was your night?" He asked as Lily kicked off her shoes, rubbing her ankles briefly before walking into the kitchen.

"Oh, it was fantastic. I hardly ever get to go out with my girl friends," she said happily, filling a tea kettle with water. "Do you want any tea before you take off?"

"Yes, please," he said, as he moved from the couch to the dinging table.

"So, what did you and Holly do all night?" Lily asked, flicking her wand at the kettle, causing it to whistle with heat.

"We made Capioconversus, read a story, things like that" he stated as a matter of faculty, while Lily sat his tea in front of him. "Thank you."

"Capioconversus, huh?" She asked, looking happy as she sat next to him. "Well, isn't that great."

"She had a good time," he commented, taking a sip from his cup.

"Did _you_ have a good time?" She asked quizzically.

"Yes, I did, actually. I always have fun with her."

"Yeah and she really does love spending time with you," Lily admitted sheepishly.

"Why don't you allow me to see her more? I could come around every night and watch her for you. You could relax a bit and have some time to yourself," he offered enthusiastically, like a boy requesting sweets from his mother.

"I don't know, Sev," she said hesitantly.

"Why not? You just said it yourself that she loves spending time with me."

"Well, she's two she doesn't know what's good for her or otherwise."

"Oh, so now I'm not good for her?" He asked, growing defensive.

"The dark arts sure as hell aren't," she scolded bitterly. "I can tell you're still just as immersed in them as ever."

"What makes you say that?"

"Let me see, where to start? You look dead for one, you're jumpy like some kind of tweaker, you're so thin you vanish when you turn sideways which means you're not taking care of yourself. I mean these are all signs of meddling in dark magic full time."

"That's preposterous,"he said, rolling his eyes.

"Really?" Lily asked looking from his sunken eyes to his left arm. "Let me see your left arm."

"What for?" He asked wearily, instinctively placing his right hand over his left arm.

"You know damn well why," Lily said, standing and moving close to him, grabbing his left wrist. "Let me see."

"Get off me, Lily, are you completely insane?" He asked, standing up himself, grabbing her wrists to try and fight her away.

"If it's not there, you have nothing to hide!" She enjoined, trying to force his sleeve up his arm.

"Do you have any idea how crazy you're being?" He yelled back at her, trying to keep his sleeve in place.

"Show me your arm!" She shrieked.

"Pull yourself together, Lily!"

"Show me!" She yelled as she found a lapse in his efforts and forced his sleeve up to his elbow. Severus looked away from his arm as if that would make his dark mark vanish. He swallowed hard, glaring at the wall.

"I knew it," she whispered, letting his arm go, which he lowered slowly. "I've known it for months."

She lowered herself and perched on her chair, her elbows on her knees, her chin in her hands as she rocked slightly.

"I've always accused you of wanting to join Voldemort but I never thought you actually would," she said talking more to herself than Severus. "I thought that if I kept Holly away from you it would shock you into giving up the dark arts—how could I be so stupid? You're a bloody Death Eater, merlin! How could you do it? They're _evil_, Sev, _evil_! Did it even occur to you that if He wins then I'll most likely be executed as a muggle born? I mean did you think at all? What was going on in that bulbous head of yours to make you do this?"

"I don't know what to say," Severus said, still glaring at the wall.

"You don't know what to say?" she asked reproachfully. "You'll be lucky if you ever see, Holly again," she threatened darkly, standing and walking to the door.

Severus' eyes widened briefly as the words left her mouth. Obviously she couldn't have meant them. She wouldn't take Holly away from him for good. He might be a Death Eater and a low life bastard but he was a good father who loved his daughter.

"You can leave now. Hurry back to your Dark Lord!"

"Lily can we talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about, Severus, you're a _Death Eater_! Now get out of my house before I develop some sense and turn you in!"

"I really wish to— persuade you not to use Holly as a weapon against me. I only see her twice a month and thats not enough as it is," he reasoned, begging her with his eyes.

"No, Severus, this time I'm taking you to court and I'm filing for full custody. So, you can _persuade_ me then," she said venomously. "Now get out!"

"Lily, _please_."

"Out!"

Severus, shoulders slumped, walked from the dining table, through the kitchen and out the door. Lily slammed it shut as he stepped over the threshold, leaving him chilled and broken in the icy Christmas Eve night. . .

* * *

**Author's Note:** Stay tuned for chapter nine


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

Day by day, night by night, ever since Christmas Eve, Severus had found himself more withdrawn than ever. He hardly spoke to anyone, scarcely ate, barely slept. He only consumed himself with his work for Lord Voldemort. This behavior was channeled as a defense mechanism, a means to distract himself from gnawing fear. To distract himself from any thought entertaining the notion of loosing Holly in a legal and permanent manner. He had already suffered the loss of Jaiden (the fact still haunting him) he couldn't stand to loose his daughter as well.

Furthermore, to add to the chagrin, Severus was perfectly dejected from the knowledge of having Lily's outward hatred and utter disdain. They had been on the verge of doing well before she learned of his Death Eating status. Unfortunately, like everything else that went well for him, it all crumbled away, leaving only the spoiled cracks and dismal aspects left for him to live with.

When January went by with no news from Lily, February following, and well into March, he thought she may have been bluffing about taking him to court for full custody. It wasn't until he had received a subpoena by owl, in early April, that he knew she was very serious.

IN THE FAMILY AND SMALL CLAIMS COURT OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC

FOR THE CITY OF LONDON

Plaintiff: LILY LYNE EVANS

Defendant: SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE

Matter of jurisdiction: Custody agreement of HOLLY RENE EVANS-SNAPE

**In the name of Great Britain by the order of **

**the Ministry of Magic: Family and Small Claims Court**

You are hereby commanded to appear in the Family and Small Claims Court of the Ministry of Magic at room No. 55B (or such other courtrooms as may be later assigned by the court) at 2870 SW. Winchester Avenue, London, England, on the 22nd day of April 1979 at 9:00 a.m. (or such other date or time as may be ordered by the court) to give evidence in the above-entitled matter on behalf of the plaintiff

He had read over the summons several times hoping that he may have missed the, 'just kidding' scribbled at the bottom. It was quite plain, in black white, there was no joke to be had. . .

Severus stood against the dark wall, his arms crossed before his chest. He was in the destroyed sitting room of a muggle house in which he had never been before, covered by the black of night. The muggle knelt naked and trembling before the swarm of six Death Eaters that had infiltrated her home hours ago. They had since subjected her to all matters of pain and humiliation by means of dark magic, violence, and rape. To further cater to her torment her three children and husband lay to the far left, dead as death can be.

The muggle shrieked in horror as the crowd jeered malevolently for all her trouble. The torture sat motionless as the tormentors laughed, the tribulation coming to a momentary halt. The nameless woman, with a desperate endeavor, crawled frantically towards Severus, her bloodied hand out stretched in helplessness. From all the molestation the woman's anguish took control, commanding her to seek mercy. Severus, off to the side and against the wall (the only one not partaking in the 'festivities'), was her natural selection.

"Looks like she likes you, Snape," Yaxley said with a wild sneer on his face.

"Please, please, please!" The woman shrieked as Dolohov pulled her up by the hair, marching her over to stand directly in front of Severus.

"For a muggle she's quite lovely, fancy her?" He asked, stroking her hair and moving her ever closer to Severus. Until her naked breasts were barely touching his chest.

"Please," The Woman whispered indefinitely, attempting to cover herself as tears rolled down her cheeks. Making rivulets of peach in the mess of brown and red.

Dolohov kissed the side of her head in mock comfort.

"Hush," he said simply. "What say you, Severus? Will you have her?"

_Laughter._

Snape stood trapped against the wall and the naked woman being pressed upon him. His eyes diverted away as if to say, 'no thank you' when a voice called over the noise.

"Pay no attention to Severus' lack of interest gentlemen," Lucius Malfoy chimed as he stepped from the group, making his way over to Severus and Dolohov. "He has other things weighing on his mind."

"What could possibly be on his mind at this very second?" Dolohov asked in bitter astonishment. As if Severus' disinterest disgusted him.

"Your court date is scheduled for tomorrow is it not?" Malfoy asked of Severus, standing next to him, completely ignoring the shivering and cowering muggle.

"Yes," Severus whispered.

"For custody of that mudblood brat of yours?" Macnair asked, inserting himself into the conversation, completely repulsed. "You'd be lucky to be rid of the little bitch."

An anger burned inside of Severus as Macnair threw the derision at his daughter. She wasn't a mudblood, she was purer than anyone standing in this room. She wasn't a brat, she was the loveliest creature to ever grace this rotting planet. He certainly wouldn't be lucky to be rid of her. In fact he was currently robbed of her company, leaving him hollowed with a constant pang in his chest. Severus, however, swallowed his fury, not dumb enough to stand up against Walden Macnair.

"Listen to Walden, Severus," Malfoy cooed, grasping his shoulder reassuringly, acting as if acknowledging Macnair would bring a sense of security and comfort. "You would be fortunate to be rid of it."

"Perhaps," Severus said through clenched teeth. He was unwilling to reveal his true feelings on the matter.

"This will ease your thoughts," Dolohov said, casting the Imperious Curse at the muggle, who was momentarily forgotten about. "Suck his cock."

The small crowd began laughing as Severus closed his eyes in dread. The woman obediently dropped to her knees, unbuckling his trousers and quickly took his member into her mouth. His mind protested the act while his body approved causing electrical currents of pleasure to rush from his groin to all other regions of his body. Within minutes Severus had his hand on the back of the woman's head forcing himself deeper into her mouth, flashes of Lily before his eyes. She gagged around him as he thrust eagerly, trying to reach his orgasm quickly. His climax didn't last long, as he came with a muffled grunt.

Dolohov laughed, clapping Snape on the back as he buttoned his pants.

"That should take your mind off of your troubles."

_It didn't._

After all were satiated with the use of the muggle, she lay broken and bruised on the floor, tears silently rolling down her cheeks. Macnair stepped forward, drawing his wand and pointing it directly at her bare chest.

"Aveda Kedavra," he said as a flash of green erupted from his wand, enveloping the room with its glow, casting shadows on all the condemned. . .

Severus lay in his darkened quarters at Vertice waiting for sleep to take him. He looked at the clock on his night stand as it mercilessly ticked away at his precious minutes of rest. Many things were weighing on his mind. He tried to envision what was going to happen within the courtroom. Was Lily going to outwardly accuse him of being a Death Eater? Was tonight going to be his last outside the walls of Azkaban? Simply entertaining the thought brought a cold sweat to his neck and a woozy feeling to his head.

There was a possibility Lily would spare him of such a future. Although she hated his guts currently there was a time when they were the best of friends. Perhaps that relationship would take precedence. Could she really subject him to such a fate? Furthermore, if not presented as a Death Eater, would he still loose Holly forever or might the court rule in his favor? The chances were split in half.

It was one o'clock at this point and Severus wanted to sleep, needed to sleep. So of course he was wide awake. He sighed heavily before pushing himself up, bare feet hitting the stone cold floor. He tapped his hand on the lamp beside him, causing it to illuminate instantly. Standing himself with a fluid motion he walked to a small cupboard, withdrawing a particularly strong sleeping potion. He uncapped the deep purple liquid and allowed it to slither down his throat, becoming drowsy at once. He staggered back to his bed, barely having the time to pull the blankets over his body before he passed out in blissful unconsciousness. . .

Severus stood in the entrance hall of the Ministry of Magic's Family Courts, his hands shoved inside of his pockets, nervously looking around for Lily. His eyes roamed the many individuals who came in and out of the courtrooms. Some looked smug and satisfied while others looked angry and dismayed. He contemplated which he would become by the end of the day.

"Severus Snape?" A man in a fancy suit called from one of the smaller doors to the left of the room. "Don Wilson, I'm your court appointed lawyer," he said, presenting his hand for shaking. Severus accepted the man's offer gingerly, dropping it as soon as he managed a proper grasp.

Don Wilson was a man of average height, his appearance perfectly polished, his short black hair oiled back, not a strand out of place. A strong aroma of coconuts radiated from his person, making Severus want to gag from the intensity of the scent. He was an orange tan indicating that he may have not acquired the tone naturally. His teeth were an angelic white that was obviously maintained by magic.

"Please come in—So, I've familiarized myself with your case this morning and it appears Mrs. Potter believes you are a bad influence upon your daughter."

"Mrs. Potter?" Severus asked, extremely bewildered.

"Yes, Mrs. Lily Potter?" Mr. Wilson asked, lifting up the paper before him, looking slightly nervous that he might have been misinformed.

"No, that's a mistake, Lily's last name is Evans, not Potter," he said as surely as he knew his own name.

"It says here, Lily Potter," Mr. Wilson said.

"Let me see it," he snapped as Don Wilson handed him the paper work. There it was, in plain black and white: Lily Lyne Potter.

Severus felt the color drain from his face as a rage and jealousy so grand erupted through his veins. His head was pounding, his heart was thumping with a savage nature, his eyes stinging, as he clenched his jaw, swallowing hard.

"Are you quite all right, sir?" Don Wilson asked as Severus glared at the piece of paper. "Mr. Snape?"

The anger was beginning to mix with sorrow and regret as he reread the name over and over again. Lily Lyne _Potter_? His chest began to hurt, sharp pains radiating from the severed heart. His hand was shaking slightly from the gravity at which he was holding the paper. Lily Lyne _Potter_? This surely could not be happening. She could have married anyone in the world, _anyone_, but she saw fit to marry James Potter? She wanted to steal his daughter _and_ marry James Potter? How could she do such a thing when she knew what a vile being James Potter was? She liked to call Severus a terrible man and then she went and married that bum? Who was, for all matter of nature, the equivalent of a Death Eater, something she claimed to hate. Tormenting others for his enjoyment, bullying those who he could when he felt like it, not showing any remorse for the atrocities he committed, no matter how grave. Why was this happening? Why? Lily Lyne _Potter_?

"Mr. Snape do you need a medi-wizard?" Don Wilson asked as Severus finally snapped back into reality.

"No—no, that won't be necessary," he said softly, handing the file back to Mr. Wilson. "I was merely surprised to see she married."

_The understatement of the century._

"I see," The Lawyer said, looking sympathetic. "Love her did you?"

"Is it protocol to ask your clients such a question?"

"No, I was simply being curious," he admitted, looking rather uncomfortable.

"Well, refrain and stick to your protocol," Severus snapped coldly. When would this day end?

"Right, apologies—anyway as I was saying, Mrs. Potter is concerned of your influence over the child. She stated you are a persistent bad influence on your daughter, obsessed with the dark arts, short tempered, and neglectful to your own health. Do you agree to said charges?"

"I most certainly do not," Severus replied darkly.

"How would you describe the situation pertaining to the dark arts?" Mr. Wilson asked, taking out his quill.

"I have made a hobby of studying the dark arts, that much is true. However, I don't bring my knowledge of it around my daughter. I don't take her in my lap and eagerly tell her of the hexes I studied during the day. I am completely able to determine what is appropriate for my child and what isn't. I'm not a moron."

"No, one said you were," Don Wilson said, scribbling down Severus' account. " How long, would you say, have you been studying the dark arts?."

"I've studied them since I was a boy."

"Why?"

"Because they have always fascinated me," Snape answered irritably as Don Wilson sighed, setting his quill upon the desk, propping his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his balled fists.

"Look Mr. Snape, I'm going to be frank with you. If any of the things Mrs. Potter says are true you're not going to be granted any branch of custody. Now, It's my job to make you look innocent but you've got to work with me here, meet me half way."

"I'm not sure I understand," Snape replied, eyeing Mr. Wilson suspiciously.

"The judge isn't going to rule in your favor if the dark arts 'fascinate' you," Don said, with a look of haughty derision.

"What do you propose I say then?" Severus asked irritably.

"The trick is to gain sympathy. You ever get sexually molested as a kid? Bullied at school?" The lawyer asked, a deranged smile on his face.

Snape looked at the man for a moment as though he was contemplating his sanity before slowly answering the question. "I was somewhat—bullied."

"You weren't somewhat bullied you were heavily bullied. This being so, knowing the dark arts made you feel safe, like you could defend yourself, understand?" Don Wilson asked.

"Yes," Snape answered, understanding that they were going to feed lies with the truth.

"She's also said that you are neglectful to your own health. Wanna tell me about that?" Don Wilson asked, his eyes glinting.

"I'm not ignorant to the fact I appear ill maintained, however this has nothing to do with how I monitor my daughter. Holly was always well off in my care."

"Alright, it'll need a little more of a flare in court but that'll do."

"She claims you have a short temper. Have you ever abused or verbally harassed your daughter?"

"No, of course not!" Snape protested.

"Good, good," The Lawyer said, nodding his head happily. "The next matter of business is to paint a picture for the court about how you _do_ interact with your daughter. Tell me about the last time your were alone with her."

Severus took in a shaky breath. Thinking about that Christmas Eve always brought sadness to him. That was the day his supreme depression had taken over his life, when he was ruled by the fear of loosing his daughter. Nonetheless, he could recollect it perfectly.

"It was Christmas Eve," Severus began.

"Christmas Eve?" Don asked, incredulity in his eyes over how long ago the date was.

"Yes, Lily wouldn't allow me to be near her after that. She seemed to think it was best for Holly, that's why we're here today."

"I see, what prompted her to ban you on that particular day?"

"I do believe we were on the matter of painting the picture of Holly's and my relationship?"

"Yes, yes of course," Mr. Wilson said. "Do continue."

"It was Christmas Eve and we had a simple quiet night in the house. We concocted a potion together, before I read her a night story, and sent her to bed. Does that sound like a bad influence to you?"

"Not at all," Mr. Wilson said scribbling. "What potion and what story?"

"Capioconversus and 'Which Witch is Which'," Severus stated, rather annoyed.

"Now you mentioned she banished you from your daughter and now, many months later, you're in court. What happened to make her do this?"

"She figures I am incapable of change, I daresay," he said vaguely.

"All right," The Lawyer said, forever writing. "Change of what?"

"From practicing the dark arts, don't you pay attention?" He asked darkly.

"No need to become hostile, Mr. Snape. What is your occupation?"

"I'm unemployed," Severus stated loathsomely.

"How do you plan on paying for the expenses of a child if you are to be awarded partial custody?"

"I have an inheritance that keeps me financially stable," he lied.

"You wouldn't happen to have documentation with you?"

"No, I do not."

"Where would you live with Holly?" Don Wilson asked.

"I have a home in Cokeworth," he stated. Since his father had met an untimely demise last year the house wasn't a safety hazard. His mother would, of course, allow him to stay there with Holly.

"Okay," he said scribbling. "Well, it's almost nine o'clock now. I see no reason as to why Mrs. Potter should be granted full custody. We have a convincing case here."

"Excellent," Severus said, following his lawyer out of the small office.

He followed his lawyer into the court room and felt the fire return to his veins as he saw Lily sitting there at the plaintiff's table. Her blonde lawyer sitting beside her. She eyed him as he came in, shaking her head indefinitely as if disgusted by what she saw.

The bailiff advised every one to rise for the presiding of The Judge Hartman. She came into the room, having everyone sit back down which Severus found foolish.

"Mrs. Potter you have come to the court today requesting full custody over Holly Rene Evans-Snape, is that correct?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Lily said in her most official voice. Hearing her speak brought a dizziness about Severus' head which made him furious with himself. Even though she had brought him nothing but anguish in the past year she still had the power to dissolve him into nothing more than a damn puddle.

"Your opening statement?" Judge Hartman asked, looking at Lily's lawyer.

"Certainly Your Honor. My client has had concerns, for some time now, that Severus Snape, Holly's father, is a persistent bad influence on her daughter. He's obsessed with the dark arts, boorish, neglectful to his own health, abrasive, short tempered, and altogether incapable of change or being trusted with raising a child."

"You say he is obsessed with the art of dark magic. Please explain this accusation," The judge asked of the lawyer.

"This man has always harbored a fascination for the dark arts, jinxes, hexes, ever since my client has known him. Your honor, he even makes his _own_ nasty little spells, and they're all used for the molestation of others. Mrs. Potter has never even seen him make a spell using the art of light magic. Furthermore, he shares his little hobbies with his daughter. My Client would like to address a specific circumstance when he was showing Holly a book about flesh rotting hexes. He has no concept of right from wrong."

"I see," Judge Hartman said writing something down. "You've further stated that he is neglectful to his own health. Do explain further."

"The last time my client saw Mr. Snape he appeared malnourished, unwashed, and exhausted. When asked if he was ill he was adamant that he was not. If that was the case, and he wasn't sick, the only explanation would be improper care. If he can't care for himself than how can he be expected to care for a child? I mean look at him now."

Severus was glaring at the defendant's table so intensely he was shocked that it didn't spontaneously combust. Anger whirled within his chest as Lily sat, all high and mighty, her lawyer pointing out all his faults. This was going bad so far. She was making him sound like some kind of monstrous irresponsible lunatic with no perception of parenting.

"You've also stated that you have concerns that he is short tempered. Do you fear he may become physically abusive with Holly?" The judged asked of Lily.

"No," Lily answered truthfully. "He would never hurt her physically. It's his sharp tongue that would lash out at her."

"Duly noted. Any other concerns that I should be made aware of?"

"Yes," Lily said, sounding completely snobby.

Severus' heart was beating frantically in anger and fear. Thus far his status as Death Eater was unknown, it could all change in the next second.

"I'm concerned with the company he keeps," said Lily.

"Extrapolate."

"As my Lawyer stated, he is highly immersed in the dark arts, so are his friends. They have no consciences and I do fear them hurting my daughter. I don't want them around her, I don't want Severus around her, I just—don't want it."

"Thank you Mrs. Potter," Judge Hartman concluded as Lily's lawyer patted her on the arm, smiling happily as if they had achieved a great feat. "Mr. Snape where do your desires fall when it comes to the custody of your daughter? Do you wish to be present in her life?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he said softly.

"Very well, opening statement," she said, turning to Don Wilson.

"My client may be rough around the edges but he is truly good at heart. When Mrs. Potter and her defense state he is completely obsessed with dark magic they are genuinely exaggerating. My client has only a hobby instilled in the dark arts, it is not his entire life. He most certainly is not incapable of determining what is appropriate for his daughter and what isn't. Mrs. Potter might see an abrasive wrong doer but I see a good man who loves his daughter and would stop at nothing to be in her life."

"Thank you Mr. Wilson I shall take that into account. Mrs. Potter has first said that your client is deeply immersed in the dark arts. Do explain your case."

" My Client has has been enthralled by the dark arts since he was a boy. He's lead a rougher life than some, being tragically bullied whilst in shool. This being so, knowing elaborate spells that could cause pain or protection against his attackers during his youth brought him a sense of security; like he could defend himself."

"Mrs. Potter claims you influence your daughter with your fascination, that you showed her pictures of flesh rotting charms. Is this account accurate?" Judge Hartman asked, turning her attention to Severus.

"Yes, but I would like to point out that I was seventeen at the time. I have since grown and matured. I currently wouldn't show Holly anything remotely like that."

"Very well. Mr. Wilson, Mrs. Potter has accused your client of being incapable of caring for Holly since, as she claims, he cannot even seem to tend to himself. Does your client deny it?"

"Mr. Snape maybe rather hasty when it comes to feeding or bathing himself but he has always been diligent with Holly. He had never; would never allow her to go hungry or ignore her well being. If she fell ill he would drop any obligation to cater at her side. Just because he is somewhat lax with his own health doesn't make him a bad father."

"This is the last question I'm going to ask before I make my decision. Mr. Snape, is there any reason as to why you believe that Mrs. Potter would make an inadequate mother?"

Severus wanted to go into full detail about how she married a pig-headed monstrosity and how James Potter was truly the bad influence on Holly, not himself. To his surprise he couldn't bring himself to do it. If she loved James Potter, and he made her happy, he wouldn't invoke an investigation on her new family. Even if it did make him completely miserable.

"No, Ma'am, Lily is a perfect mother. She always has been and always shall be," said Snape.

"Very well, I shall deliberate. We will reconvene in five minutes."

Severus Sighed heavily as Don Wilson turned to face him.

"How are you feeling?" The Lawyer asked of him.

Severus simply shifted his eyes from directly in front of him towards his lawyer, only to return them to their original spot. The lawyer's overly dramatic spiel had irritated him at the very least.

The five minutes seemed like an eternity as Severus busied himself with an old hobby: watching Lily. Her bedazzled red hair was shimmering elegantly, her skin shining radiantly. Her slightly pink cheeks brought her face an appearance of healthy maintenance that Severus' could never have achieved. All in all she looked outstandingly well, she appeared to be happy. This brought loathing to Snape's heart, how could she be so content and well-off while she ruined his life?

"All rise, Judge Hartman presiding."

"On behalf of the court I rule in favor of the plaintiff. I am hereby awarding full custody of Holly Rene Evans-Snape to Lily Potter, with no visitation rights granted to Mr. Snape, on the grounds that the defendant is incapable of providing a stable environment for said child," Judge Hartman explained with no sympathy or emotion. She slammed her gaffle on the podium before calling in the next case.

Severus' world seemed to dissolve in an instant. He lost Holly? He _lost_ her, the only thing in this world who hadn't let him down, the only person who loved him was legally not his anymore? He looked at the judge, with pleading eyes, hoping she would change her mind.

"Your honor," Severus began.

"Yes, Mr. Snape?"

"I must urge you to reconsider. I am not oblivious to the fact that I may be less than conventional as a father but I must be with my daughter. I'll do anything you say, I'll do whatever I have to do, just—please—reconsider," he said his voice shaking ever so slightly.

"I have already ruled, Mr. Snape. I must confess I agree, whole heartily, with Mrs. Potter. You seem to be less than stable, somewhat unhealthy, and your interest in the dark arts alone is reason enough to exclude you in the upbringing of your daughter."

"Please," was all he could think to say.

Lily looked over at him, the smallest bit of sympathy swirling in her heart. He looked genuinely broken.

"If you wish, you may reopen the case in no less than one year's time. However, if you wait longer than one year and six months your chances of ever winning any kind of custody are slim, that's all—next case!"

Severus sat perched on one of the benches outside the court rooms, his head in his hands. His heart felt like a stone of ice, his body felt shaken and weak, as if he had suffered a thousand Cruciatus Curses. He sniffed back the tears that were stinging his eyes as he straightened up, running his hand through his hair.

"Sev," Lily said softly, Holly by her side, holding her hand.

Upon seeing Holly Severus' heart jumped irregularly with a pain so exquisite it felt like fire enveloping his chest. She was near to him yet she was lost. Severus' mind briefly crawled through the fond memories he had of Holly. The moment when he first held her, how she went through a phase of only allowing him to carry her, following her as she crawled about the floor, feeding her, cuddling with her as she fell asleep. The recollections made him yearn to hold her but he feared he may never let her go.

"What do you want?" He asked Lily coldly.

"I thought you might want to say goodbye to Holly," she said, her voice apologetic.

"Come here, monster."

He opened his arms to her as she quickly shuffled into his embrace, resting her little head against his shoulder. Severus inhaled in her sent, for what felt like the final time, relishing the feeling of having her close (a feeling he was afraid he may never experience again). He held her to him, hugging her tightly, as tears welled in his eyes. He choked them back as he held her out by her shoulders.

"You be good to your mother," he said, fighting to keep his voice even. She nodded.

"When awe you gownna play wiff me?" She asked, meaning 'when will you come visit me.'

"Well, Holly," he had no idea how to tell her he would not be seeing her for an entire year at the very least. "I—I."

"Daddy, has to go away for a little while, sweetie," Lily interjected, noticing Severus' struggling speech.

"Why?" Holly whined. It appeared, even at the tender age of two and half she was able to sense the gravity of what was going on, that she knew this was different from before and that Daddy wasn't going to be gone for just a little while. He was being taken from her.

"It's only for a little while," Severus lied, stroking her hair. "Then we can see each other again, okay?"

"But you juss wen away," she whined, stomping her foot slightly. Severus reasoned that Lily had told her the same thing in late of his four month absence.

"I know, Holly. If I had it my way I would see you all the time."

"Why don' you?" She asked, looking confused as tears began welling up in her eyes. Severus' breathing hitched as another bout of agony gripped his being. Holding his composure was becoming painful but being strong for his daughter took precedence over his emotional turmoil.

"Because, Holly," he swallowed hard. "When you're grown-up you have to follow certain rules. I'm not allowed to see you everyday."

"Whadda I do wong?" She cried.

"Nothing at all," Severus stated, looking into her tear stained face.

"Why can't you play wiff me, den?" She wailed.

"Holly, look at me—you've done absolutely nothing wrong, do you understand me? This is not your fault. It's—it's my fault," he said intensely.

"I don't wan' you to go away!" She cried, gripping his torso in a pincer like grip.

Severus grasped her to him, patting her back lightly.

"I know, monster, I know."

The two hugged for a long moment. Time seemed to freeze as he sat there clutching his only daughter to his chest. He concentrated on taking in as many details as he could about Holly so as to have mental imagery to cling to in her absence. She stood up to his chin when he bended on one knee, her hair was wavy and hung down to her clavicle, her neck seemed almost too thin to hold up her head. He would miss the way she would flick that wavy black hair behind her shoulder when talking about topics she deemed important. How her head bobbled when something confused her. He would even miss her ridiculous obsession with unicorns.

"Come on, Holly," Lily said from the sidelines, holding out her hand. "We have to go."

Holly shook her head against Severus' stomach in protest of leaving him.

"Holly, come now," Lily said sternly.

"NO!" She cried, gripping Severus' clothes.

"Holly enough," Severus interjected, ripping her harsh grip from his person. "The time will be over before you know it."

"I don' wan you go away!" She cried again, rubbing her eye with a pudgy fist.

"I know," he reiterated. "Go on, with your mother," he said, ushering her forth, his heart protesting his words. Holly turned around and grabbed his neck in another embrace.

"I wuv you, Da'ee," she whispered into his ear.

"And I you," he whispered back unable to stay the tears in his eyes.

The embrace was broken and she was lead away, hand in hand with Lily. They walked across the vast room towards James Potter, who Severus hadn't even noticed was standing there. He watched from afar as James lifted his daughter and looked as if he was attempting to comfort her. A fire ignited within Snape as he roughly wiped the tears from his eyes, a primal instinct coming over him as he strode over to Potter, his wand in hand.

"Put her down," he challenged, pointing his wand at James' throat.

"Nice thing to do in front of your kid, it's no wonder the court ruled—"

"Put her down!" Severus roared, his expression darkening.

Holly began crying anew as James slowly lowered her to the floor.

"Severus, what the hell are you doing?" Lily asked, glaring at him as she picked up the wailing Holly.

"How dare you bring him?" He asked, rounding on Lily, his wand still avidly pointed at James.

"He's my husband, Severus, are you completely insane? Put your wand down, you're making a scene," she said as hushed as she could.

"Back off her, _Snivellus_," James said, staring daggers at the target of his school age bullying.

"You dare insult me in front of my own daughter?" Snape asked dangerously, stepping closer to James, his wand nearly touching Potter's neck. "You don't touch her, you don't speak to her, and never dare think she's somehow yours. You maybe married to Lily but Holly is _my_ daughter and I won't have you interfering with her, am I quite plain?"

"That seems like a terribly stupid situation seeing as I'm her stepfather," James countered cooly. " It's not as if I can go about our home completely ignoring her now can I?"

"I would find a way if I were you!" Snape enjoined, wild with rage and sorrow.

"Severus, stop it!" Lily scolded, her hand on his arm. "You're embarrassing yourself."

"Listen to the lady," James added.

"Shut up James," Lily replied. She then placed the wailing Holly on the ground before forcing Severus to turn, leading him away.

"How could you do this to me, Lily?" He asked lividly, once they were yards away from James and Holly.

"Do what? You, like almost everything, brought this on yourself. Did you really think you could spend your life being a Death Eater and I would somehow not notice? I have to protect my daughter."

"I'm not a danger to her and you damn well know it!" Snape yelled, unable to keep his anger in check. It was as if all his sorrow and rage from the past four months were being released.

"I don't know that!" Lily said irritably. "I don't trust you, James does—"

"Don't you dare speak to me about him," Snape spat coldly.

"Look I understand my marrying James might be—difficult for you to accept but he's not the—"

"I believe I just requested you not speak of him," he said through clenched teeth, attempting to master his animosity.

"Sorry," she said unapologetically.

"How could you do this?" He asked again.

"I believe I made myself quite clear in the court room," she stated defiantly.

"Do you remember, Jaiden?" Severus asked offhandedly.

"Of course," Lily said, not looking at him.

"You are forcing me to live his death all over again, only with Holly in his place. You are taking my child from me against my will."

"You might want to be a little more grateful," she said forcefully.

"G-grateful?" He asked unable to believe his ears.

"Yes, you're a _Death Eater,_ Severus, I could have sent you to Azkaban."

"You're right I should be thanking you on bended knee," Severus spat venomously.

"I'm gonna go," Lily said after a short moment of silence. "Please, do try and take care of yourself."

Severus watched her walk back to James and Holly as husband and Wife looked back at him for a split second, Lily shaking her head before grabbing Holly's hand and leading her away and out of his life.

The next months were a haze of horror and depression as Severus lived them as a shadow of his former self. As the environment turned from warm, to hot, to cold Severus found himself climbing in the Dark Lord's ranks. Upon perfecting his occlumency his master gave him more detailed and risky assignments to assist in the victory of the war. Severus had achieved what he always wanted when he joined the Dark Lord: he was well respected, well liked, and held a certain amount of power. Despite his accomplishments he felt hollow and cold.

In the later half of November 1979, he had received knowledge that two members in The Order of The Phoenix were expecting a baby. As rumor had it, the mother was a mudblood, the father a pure blood. Naturally this was epic gossip at Vertice, giving the Death Eaters another reason to ridicule The Order (purebloods and mudbloods breeding). Severus knew who the two were upon hearing the news, causing him to shut himself in his quarters for the rest of the day. So, he would be related to James through his daughter and Potter's spawn? A bitter fate indeed. In spite of his chagrin the time continued to press on until it was again April of 1980, and Severus had since turned twenty.

He was eligible to reopen the custody agreement regarding Holly but decided to look at the facts before doing so. For one: he still looked frail and run-down, which would tell the court he still couldn't take care of himself. Two: he was still 'unemployed' and wouldn't be able to supply documentation of his false account of an inheritance. The judge hadn't asked for proof before but that was when he was the defendant. Three: he knew if he tried to reopen the case Lily would release the information that he was, indeed, a Death Eater. Sentencing him to a life in prison. No one stopped being a Death Eater so he couldn't lie and say 'he once was a Death Eater'. It seemed he was doomed to never see his daughter again. . .

Severus was in the potion's lab when his mark seared with the familiar sensation of being summoned. He immediately dropped what he was doing and walked towards the grand black doors of his master's chambers. He knocked three times, causing the doors to swing open and allow him access.

He prostrated upon his entering, his eyes on the floor.

"Severus," The Dark Lord said, sounding mildly pleased to see him. "I have thee most joyous of news."

"My, Lord?" Severus asked, keen to hear why he was summoned to be shared news with. Surely this was a matter Bella would be called for.

"There is a position opening at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," He said, his voice exhilarated.

"My, Lord?" He asked again, not sure what this had to do with him.

"I have longed for a spy to be within the walls of that school, so close to that old waste, Dumbledore," he said triumphantly. "You are the only Death Eater I possess that could perform this immense duty. It is you who has studied occlumency, you who are more intelligent than most of my servants combined. It is you who will get the position at Hogwarts and spy upon Albus Dumbledore."

"My Lord flatters me."

"Nonsense, you know these things as well as I."

"Thank you, My Lord—If I might, Master, I must impress on you choosing someone else. I'm hardly teaching material."

"You presume I don't know my own servants and who would be best suited for assignments?"

"My apologies, Master, It was not my intention to be insubordinate," Severus said, trying to save himself from a nasty punishment. Lord Voldemort seemed satisfied by the apology.

"Very well," The Dark Lord said. "You are to meet with Albus Dumbledore at the Hogshead on April the fifteenth at eight O'clock, is that understood?"

"Yes, My Lord."

"Excellent, do not let me down Severus."

"Never, My Lord. . ."

* * *

**Authoer's Note:** Will Severus and Holly truly be parted for ever? Will she survive the infamous October of 1981? What will happen to Severus and how will he ensure his daughter will be safe? Stay tuned for the final installment.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

Severus sat at the Hogshead, fingers nervously drumming, as he anticipated his meeting with Albus Dumbledore. Over the week he had become accepting to the fact that he was most likely going to fail this mission. Out of all the qualified applicants, why would he be chosen to teach young witches and wizards? Severus, who was sarcastic, brutally honest, contained no patience for ignorance, and for the most part, hated children? This seemed to stretch the limits of social physics too far. He would return to Vertice tonight, bearing bad news, and be subjected to the Cruciatus Curse until he begged for mercy and cried for his master's leniency.

It was a slow night at the Hogshead, only a handful of customers present, appearing to be in greater numbers with the size of the small pub. The atmosphere was light, despite the pouring rain, filling the tiny building with accentuated ease. The thick smell of mildew and fresh wood hung in the air, mixing with the essence of hard liquor and ale. A soft tune played in the background, hushed under the buzz of the bar dwellers' conversations.

Sighing deeply, Severus brought his almost empty butter beer to his lips as he peered around at the people who inhabited the small tavern. He noticed Hagrid, the gamekeeper of Hogwarts, almost immediately. Who could miss the belligerent giant? Another face that rang bells with him was Filch, the caretaker, who appeared to be accompanying the colossal gardener. The two seemed happily drunk as they began singing of the Scottish country side, clinking their cups in inebriated joy.

The door opened with a bang, the rain coming through in sharp blades, as Dumbledore stepped over the threshold. Removing his hood as he walked. He spotted Severus at once, walking over to him in humble steps.

"Severus, thank you for coming, young lad."

"Not at all, Headmaster," Severus insisted grasping the older wizard's hand in greeting.

"I'm sure you're eager to get this interview underway. I have but one applicant ahead of you to assess. You don't mind waiting do you?"

"Of course not."

"Good man, it shall take no more than a half an hour."

"Might I inquire as to which subject said applicant is petitioning for?"

Dumbledore gave a light chuckle, his eyes twinkling, identifying Severus' question as assessment of his competition.

"Sybil Trelawney, she is being interviewed for divinations, my dear boy. Now if you'll excuse me, I see her waiting right over there."

Severus watched as Dumbledore walked over to a batty looking basket-case of a woman. He shook her hand in a delicate manner, before engaging in small talk, and going up the narrow rickety stairs.

Severus returned to his people watching for the better part of the half hour as he drank the end of his butter beer. Placing it down on the table, he got up from his seat and walked up the beat up staircase in search of the lavatory. He opened a door that turned out to be a closet, and so continued to ascend. Coming upon another door, his hand on the knob, a deep raspy voice, the atypical droll of prediction, caught his attention. It rapidly occurred to Severus that he had never actually witnessed a prediction being made. Thus he quickly sat on the floor, pressing his ear to the wood, trying to make out what was being said.

"The one with the power to vanquish The Dark Lord approaches…Born to those who have thrice defied him three times, born as the seventh months dies…and."

"What are you doing, boy?" asked a gruff looking man who grabbed Severus by the collar and easily hoisted him to his feet.

"Unhand me!" He spat, trying to work the rough hands from his shirt.

"What were you doing?" The man asked once more. "That's a private interview, that is—let's go, you're outta here!"

The door opened to reveal Dumbledore looking quite aghast, the applicant looking satisfied and smug. Her complacent expression turned to that of scrutiny upon seeing Aberforth holding the squirming Severus by the collar.

"I came up the wrong way," Severus was saying as Aberforth told him to shut up.

"This muck was listening at doors," Aberforth said as he began to drag Severus back down the stairs.

"Oh, dear," said Dumbledore, moving a wrinkled hand to his cheek in dismay. This could possibly be very grim.

"Get off of me," Snape was saying as Aberforth dragged him down the stairs, through the pub and opening the front door.

"Don't you come back, I know your type, death eating trash. Away with ya!" He hollered slamming the door shut.

Severus stood in the rain, becoming completely soaked in a second. His hair hung about him in dripping strands before his feet began to carry him away.

"The one with the power to vanquish The Dark Lord," he muttered as he continued on the muddy trail, his shoes being sucked and pulled as he walked.

This prophecy was alarming at the very least and Severus knew he had to get back to Vertice in as little time as possible. He apparated with a crack, reappearing down the path from the mountain top. He jogged up the rocky road, then began muttering the incantations at the door that allowed him access within.

He wasted no time with pleasantries as Avery and Mulciber beckoned him upon his passing by the lounge. Ignoring them duly, he made his way directly to his master's chambers. The door flew open upon his knocking, shutting behind him with a bang.

"You've returned early, Severus," Voldemort was saying as Severus fell to his knees, as was custom before The Dark Lord.

"Yes, My Lord," Severus said, his voice frantic.

"Everything went well I trust?"

"N-no, My Lord, complications arose."

"Complications?" Lord Voldemort inquired stepping closer to his young servant. "Were you able to secure the position?"

"I was never interviewed," he admitted, his mind racing.

"You were never interviewed?" The Dark Lord repeated slowly. "What did I send you there for, Severus?"

"I know, My Lord, something came up that I must inform you about. Something of the gravest importance."

"What might that be?" The Dark Lord asked, his voice jaded with animosity. It was obvious he was disappointed with Severus for his failed objective.

"Whilst at the Hogshead I overheard an applicant being considered for the position of divination's professor. She produced a prophecy of you, My Lord, of your downfall."

"What was said? Do you recall the exact words?" The Dark Lord inquired, seemingly to forget his recent dismay over the span of five-seconds.

"I was unable to procure the whole prophecy. What I did hear was: the one with the power to vanquish The Dark Lord approaches. Born to those who have thrice defied him three times, born as the seventh months dies. I was then contained by the bartender and thrown from the building for listening at doors."

"You're certain what you heard is accurate?"

"I am, My Lord."

"Very well, very well," The Dark Lord said, clasping his hands behind his back and turning away from Severus. "Leave me."

"My, Lord," Severus said while inclining his head respectfully as he departed from the room. . .

The next weeks were chaos as The Dark Lord frantically tried to put the small puzzle pieces of the prophecy together. He sent nearly his whole army out, time and time again, to procure confirmation or opposition of his varies hypotheses. Two families had already been destroyed in the drastic search but The Dark Lord was still unsatisfied. Saying they weren't the correct classification, admitting his own haste in the project. It wasn't until July of 1980 that The Dark Lord appeared to be on the right track.

Severus sat at the long mahogany table with The Dark Lord's inner circle, his arms at his sides, staring off past Bella's head, towards the dark wall behind her. His eyes were blank, his mind numb, his face completely vacant. He hadn't slept in weeks, being rendered too busy for such luxuries from all the tasks The Dark Lord had foisted upon him. Furthermore, his latest assignment, proving to be copiously worthless, earned him an agonizing round of punishment for the better half the morning, rendering his body and mind tired; weak. He sighed deeply, yet silently, before turning his vacant attention to Lucius who began to speak.

"My Lord," said Lucius, his hands folded before him on the grand table. "I have checked the records at St. Mungos, as you bade me, and it has come to my attention that there are two couples in The Order of the Phoenix expecting sons at the end of July."

"Whom do you speak of?"

"Alice and Frank Longbottom, My Lord."

"The other?"

"Lily and James Potter."

Severus' enervated mind had strength enough to become violently troubled by Lucius' news. His whole body kindled with dread as he came to the realization that Lily would be killed if his master elected her son as the unborn culprit. Not only would his flower be plucked from the earth, Holly would be without a mother or legal guardian, since he was revoked of such privileges. It couldn't be her son, no, that would surely be the last straw of his sanity.

"The Potters and the Longbottoms," Lord Voldemort pondered as he absent-mindedly stroked the head of his monstrous snake coiling at his side.

"What days are the children due to be born?"

"They are to be born within a day of each other, My Lord, the Longbottom's boy on the 30th, the Potter's on the 31st."

"That is close," Voldemort said with an ironic chortle.

"Yes, My Lord."

"Thank you, Lucius, you have done well. This makes me feel quite comforted. The Longbottoms and the Potters, which could it be?" The Dark Lord inquired as plainly as if he was wondering who he should invite to his Christmas party instead of who he was condemning to death.

"If I may, My Lord?" Bellatrix began looking hopefully at her master.

"Yes, Bella?"

"I volunteer myself to seek out the Longbottoms and evaluate their promise."

"Kind as ever Bella, I shall accept your offer when the time comes," he said, sounding slightly bored.

"Thank you, My Lord," she cooed as if he had bestowed her with immortality or something made of pure diamonds.

"This gives me much to mull over, I shall need complete solitude and no distractions—leave me."

Severus left with his fellow Death Eaters, unable to calm his rampant heart or his tightening chest. He walked shakily to his quarters, his head pounding, trying to convince himself it was the Longbottoms that were to be murdered and not Lily. He closed his door behind him, his worry becoming more frantic, as he sat stiffly on his bed. There was no need to be so nervous, Lily wasn't sentenced to death yet. There was a choice to be had, there was only a fifty percent chance of her being robbed from him forever. His sense of reason calmed him for the time being, but the fear remained at the back of his mind.

The end of July had come and gone while both children were miraculously born on their predicted due dates. Lily would be completely ridden with bliss as she laughed and cuddled her newest and youngest child, her and _Potter's _child.

In the middle of August in 1980 Severus was growing ever more anxious as he was summoned to the familiar room of meeting. The time had come to hear The Dark Lord's verdict on who the unlucky family, doomed to die, was going to be.

"Sit, sit, sit," The Dark Lord was chanting as his most trusted followers filed in.

Severus took a seat at the half of the table, in between Bellatrix and Macnair. He dare not look at The Dark Lord, frightened his expression of dread may betray him, as Voldemort drew in breath to speak.

"I have made my decision based on careful consideration. After last evening, after Bella's, uh—confrontation with the Longbottoms and how unbelievingly lax their abilities appeared to be I have come to the conclusion that the bringer of my 'downfall' would be none other than Harry Potter."

The dismay bombarded through Severus like a hurricane crashing to shore. His eyes closed in horror as the Dark Lord prattled on about why he was certain and what his ultimate plans were for the boy, for the father—and the mother. The Dark Lord's voice faded around him, sounding distant and imaginary, as Severus feared he might pass out from the shock. She wasn't dead yet, but she was as good as. When The Dark Lord wanted something he always achieved it. If he wanted you to be happy, you were happy. When he wanted you to feel pain, you felt pain. If he wanted you dead, you ended up dead. Those were the rules, and now Lily was to fall victim to them. Holly too if he was unlucky enough. Why did he have to hear that stupid, inane prophecy?

After Lord Voldemort adjourned the meeting Severus remained behind, his arms clasped behind his back to stop them from shaking.

"What is it, Severus?"

"My Lord, I was curious if I could request a favor?" He asked somewhat hesitantly.

"A favor?" The Dark Lord repeated quizzically. As if he had misheard.

"Yes, Master."

"I am intrigued, what is this favor you wish to ask of me?"

"Thank you, My Lord, it concerns the Potters."

"If you wish to murder the Potter boy yourself, I've already told you, I'm acting alone."

"No, My Lord, none other than you should perform such a feat. I was merely curious—I would be eternally grateful if—if you would spare the mother?" Severus asked, spitting out the final line quickly, as if ripping off a bandaid from a barely healed wound.

"What childish notion is this?" The Dark Lord asked chuckling icily. "Spare the mother? For what purpose?"

Severus contemplated telling his master of Holly, how if Lily was dead she would be without a mother. He opened his mouth to speak, closing it duly, not wanting The Dark Lord to know of Holly's existence. What if he saw fit to wipe out Lily's whole family? He had to, at the very least, keep his daughter safe.

"I have always desired her, My Lord" he said instead. It wasn't a lie, just another reason as to why he wanted the only woman he ever loved to be spared.

"A mudblood, Severus, really? Surely you would have women of a purer breed?"

"I have craved only her since I was a boy, My Lord— old habits, it seems, die hard," he said forcing a lazy smile on his face.

"Indeed," The Dark Lord said rising to his feet. "Well, I shall see what can be done. The mother is of no concern to me and if Harry Potter can be murdered with no harm done to Lily Potter, it shall be so."

"Thank you, My Lord," Severus said gratefully. He truly was a great master.

Hours later Severus sat in his room, thumb nail between his teeth, mulling over what the Dark Lord had promised him. He said he would see what could be done, not, 'of course I'll spare the mother'. He had said if Harry Potter could be killed with no harm done to Lily… if, if, if. These ifs were not good enough, he needed solid, concrete reassurance that Lily would be safe.

He stood up from his bed and went to his potions cupboard, pulling out varies ingredients, books, and already made potions, until he came to the source of what he was searching for. At the very end of the cupboards contents, amongst the cobwebs and dust, lay an old wooden box, a dragon chiseled into the lid. Severus' hand stretched to the very back until he clamped around it, drawing the box from its spider-infested prison.

He pulled off a daddy long leg that was clutching to the side before blowing the dust away in a big cloud. He smiled slightly as he turned around and sat on his bed, his little box resting on his lap. The lid creaked open as he waved his hand over it, pulling out the first article within: a quill made from the wing of a vulture.

As he looked down at the feather in his hands tears began to well in his eyes. The quill had been a birthday gift, presented to him by Lily on his thirteenth year. She was the only person on this earth that ever acknowledged his birthday as something to celebrate (or acknowledged it at all for that matter).

Sniffing back his tears he placed the quill to the side and pulled out a Letter she had written to him when they were twelve. He unfolded the yellowed parchment and reread her sweet words for the first time in over five years.

_Dear Severus,_

_How are you? I'm not so well, I hate that I had to go to my stupid aunt's house this summer. She smells like cabbage and puts mayonnaise in EVERYTHING we eat! I wish I was back at home, I miss you and your sarcasm, ha ha ha. Do you miss me? I hope you're doing well, I worry about you when you're home all alone. Think of when we learn to apparate! I can just pop into your living room when I'm kidnapped to my smelly auntie's house, how groovy would that be? How are things at your house? Are you reading anything good? Well, anyhow, I really do miss you and I can't wait to see you come September._

_Love Lily XOXOXOXOXOXOXO_

Severus reread the letter twice, relishing the sections when she claimed she missed him and couldn't wait to see him. He smiled through his tears as he folded the piece of parchment up, placing it tenderly to the side before pulling out the third and final keepsake: a photograph.

There in the photograph stood a young Severus and more importantly a young Lily. They stood in front of the lake in their first year at Hogwarts. She had her arms draped around him, hugging his slight form to her chest while smiling ardently into the camera. He too was smiling, his arms clutching to Lily's which were wrapped around him like a snake. The wind was blowing both of their hair as they laughed. So happy to be at Hogwarts. So happy to be together.

Severus ran his hand over the picture, tracing Lily's face with his finger. His eyes were streaming with tears as he recollected the happy times with a pang in his heart. His life, as of late, had been filled with nothing but hatred, regret, and bleak objection. How he yearned to be happy once more, to go back to a time where Lily loved him (even if was just platonically). He knew she hated him now, how could she not? Looking at the photo, he was reminded of what he once possessed in life and what he had lost. If he had the chance to tell this happy, young Severus, in the snapshot, where he was destined to end up, to be alone, a Death Eater, childless, and perpetually dismayed, he was positive he would have told himself to piss off.

Severus lay on his bed, tears silently falling, the picture still clutched in his hand. He couldn't take his eyes from her green ones as he was certain he could smell her in the room. He brushed his fingers over the photo, a sob heaving through him, as he was reminded The Dark Lord would be hunting Lily's son, hunting her. With a violent shudder he concluded he had to make sure she would be safe, he simply _had_ to.

He wasted no time, as he took a piece of parchment and the large feather quill to scribble a note to Albus Dumbledore. The only man Severus trusted to make sure Lily would remain safe. Upon sending the owl to Hogwarts he clasped his cloak around him, wiped his eyes, and set off to the hill top at which he specified Dumbledore to meet him.

Severus stood pacing at the top of the knoll his distressed state of mind manifested by the violent wind that ripped around, fraying his hair and stinging his eyes. He looked about frantically searching for any indication of Dumbledore's coming. The barren trees to his left clacked and clattered loudly, as the wind's whistles consumed his senses. His wand handle grew slick from his rough grip and sweating palm causing it to easily fly from his grasp as a blinding white light erupted before him.

"Don't kill me!" Severus pleaded, dropping to his quivering knees.

"That was not my intention," Albus said, flicking his wand at the violent and noisy wind around them, enveloping the two in silence. "Well, Severus, what message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"

"No—no message—I'm here on my own account!" He sputtered rapidly, hoping that Dumbledore would react to his urgency. "I come with a warning—no, a request—please!"

"What request could a Death Eater make of me?"Dumbledore asked calmly, although the disgust embedded in the word 'Death Eater' did not go unnoticed by Severus.

"The—the prophecy—the prediction—Trelawney—"

"Ah, yes, how much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?" Dumbledore asked with subtle venom.

"Everything—everything I heard! That is why—it is for that reason—he thinks it means Lily Evans," Severus said helplessly as what ever dismal composure he had left flew directly out the proverbial window.

"The prophecy did not refer to a woman. It spoke of a boy born at the end of July—"

"You know what I mean!" Severus cried, frustration moving into his agitated mind. "He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down—kill them all—"

"If she means so much to you surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Can you not ask for mercy for the mother in exchange for the son?"

"I have—I have asked—"

"You disgust me," Dumbledore spat with an uncharacteristic malice. "You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"

"Hide them all, then!" Severus offered desperately. "Keep her—them—safe, please!"

"And what will you give me in return, Severus?" Dumbledore asked stepping closer to the reckless young man.

"In—in return?" Snape questioned, not sure of what his answer would bring but knowing it all too well. "Anything."

Albus Dumbledore lead the distraught youth from the unkempt hill top to the comforts of his own office within Hogwarts school. He fixed Severus a cup of tea in a matter of moments, forcing the warm mug into his hands.

"I don't want it," Severus said shoving the cup away.

"It'll calm your nerves—drink," Albus persisted coaxing the cup to Severus' lips who took a shaky sip.

"T-thank you," Severus muttered as the warmness sat in his stomach. He felt a small bit better.

"Severus, I must ask you," Dumbledore said walking around his desk to sit in his extravagant chair. "Why Lily Potter? What is she to you?"

"She—she mothered my child" he stated reluctantly.

"I am aware of this. I wouldn't think you so adamant to protect the woman who also stole that child away from you last year?"

Severus was unsure of what game Dumbledore was playing at. The sentence barely seemed like something Albus Dumbledore would say to describe Lily's being awarded full custody over a Death Eater.

"What mind trick is this?" Severus asked, not wanting to answer his forked question.

"It is no trick, I wish only to discover where your head is at—so, where is your mind, Severus? Is that the only reason you wish her spared? Because she is the mother of young Holly?"

"Is that not a good enough reason?"

"Your desperation back at the hill top seemed—fueled by a different flame," Dumbledore stated, his eyes twinkling behind those silly half moon spectacles.

"What do you want me to say?" Severus asked, his gaze pleading.

"I wish for you to tell the truth, young man. If this whole business is to work you must learn to be honest with me."

"Honest?" Severus repeated looking at Dumbledore with a glimmer of resentment. The old fool knew he was in love with Lily, why was he going to force him to say it?

"That is all I ask."

"I—I —love—Lily," he stated awkwardly, hanging his head, his hair falling in front of his face. He had never before uttered the words, he felt so eminently, aloud. upon doing so he found they felt warm on his lips, leaving a tingling sensation in their wake.

"Love conquers all," Dumbledore said, an ironic smile on his lips. "Severus, you claimed you would perform any task I asked of you in return for my help in keeping the Potters safe."

"Yes, Headmaster," Severus stated, feeling as if he was speaking to The Dark Lord.

"I wish for you to spy for The Order of The Phoenix," he said as if he was asking Severus to give him a thorough weather report.

"I—I beg your pardon?" Severus asked, unable to believe his ears.

"I wish for you to spy upon Lord Voldemort, pass information to me, so that I can utilize it against him. Can you do this for me?"

"Are you mad?" Severus asked incredulously.

How could this senile old waste actually believe he could spy on The Dark Lord without getting caught? It was a fool's errand and Severus was not a fool. When The Order began getting ahead his master would instinctively believe there was a rat amongst his ranks and sniff Severus out in a matter of hours. It was one thing to be asked by The Dark Lord to spy on Dumbledore, who trusted everyone. It was another thing entirely to be asked to spy on The Dark Lord, who trusted no one.

"I'm quite sane, my boy. This is something I have craved for some time, the edge The Order needs to get ahead, are you willing?" Dumbledore asked leaning forward as if sharing a secret.

Severus looked down at his tea cup wanting to decline. Wanting to storm from the room and return to Vertice to bang his head against the wall but he couldn't—Lily needed him. Holly needed him.

"I—I am," he said simply, not taking his eyes off the swirling liquid in the mug.

"Excellent."

In order for Severus to spy for The Order Albus secured him with a job at Hogwarts to appease his absence from Lord Voldemort's side. It was the perfect fit. Voldemort was pleased because Severus secured his previous objective (obtaining position at Hogwarts to spy on Dumbledore) while simultaneously working his way into Voldemort's supreme good graces. He shared many things with his young servant and Albus couldn't have been more gratified. Dumbledore was not ignorant to Severus' precarious position thus he only utilized about half of the advantages Snape provided him with.

The days droned on with Severus' spying and lying on a daily basis. Working for both good and evil. He found the situation amusing at times, thinking himself a walking paradox. The days turned to weeks, while the weeks turned to months, until it was October of 1981, where Severus and Dumbledore sat comfortably within the Headmaster's office.

". . .So I would warn the Vondon family if I were you," Severus was saying as Dumbledore sat before him, knitting a scarf.

"Excellent, excellent," Albus was saying. "What of the Potters? How is Lord Voldemort fairing in his search for them?"

"I regret to inform you that your most recent hiding spot is becoming apparent to him. He feels in a matter of weeks he'll have located them and his ultimate goal will be recognized. He has not mentioned to me his means of obtaining this information and I have no guesses as to how he's doing it."

"Then we must warn the Potters and have the Fidelius Charm cast upon their whereabouts, immediately," Albus said, placing his knitting down and grabbing a piece of parchment, scribbling on it rapidly. "Thank you, Severus, these tips have been quite useful."

"It's what I'm here for," Snape replied rather mundanely. "They will be safe won't they, the Potters?"

"Of course, my boy, of course," Dumbledore said with a half hearted smile.

As Severus walked down the stairs to the dungeons he couldn't help but be consumed by frantic worry. Albus' reassurance seemed less than sincere, and he was drowned by the familiar emotion of fearing for Lily's life.

As he closed himself within his office he was overwhelmed by the need to see Holly. These feelings came over him from time to time, more often when he was frightened, stressed, or thinking fervently of Lily. He wondered what his little girl looked like now, he hadn't seen her for sometime, leaving him curious whether she was taking after himself or her mother? Was she happy in her recent days even though she was forced into hiding with her mother, half brother, and blasted stepfather? Probably not, who could be happy being locked up with James Potter and his terrible spawn?

Another thought, that often tugged at his mind, whilst Holly did, was whether she would even remember him or not. She was barely three when he last met with her and she was now five, going on six years old. If she didn't remember him, would she instinctively warm to him or would she be shy and withdrawn? Severus sighed deeply, sitting on his large four poster bed, letting images of his daughter dance before his mind as the familiar pangs of loneliness and yearning enveloped his soul.

On October 31st, 1981 Severus stood in front of his potion's class, scribbling words of consequence onto the chalk board while lecturing on the theory behind potion making.

"…In conclusion without the properties of both ingredients the mixture would not only be rendered useless but unequivocally poisonous. These are details that must be considered by every successful potion's master. Are there any questions pertaining to this lecture?" Severus asked his dark eyes roaming over the sea of students, his gaze boring into each person differently. Whether it was due to the fact that they had no questions, stopped paying attention an hour ago, or were too afraid to ask, no one raised their hand.

"Very well, I expect nothing less than flawless comprehension displayed in this week's essay, a three foot minimum, on my desk, Thursday morning."

There was a hum of groans spread across the room to which Severus had to suppress a satisfied grin.

"_Si-i-ilence_," he droned from the front of the classroom, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "Since you appear to be such experts on the subject, three simple feet should be easy work for you."

The room of sixth years seemed somewhere between ultimately frustrated with their assignment and completely immersed in their hatred for the professor as the bell erupted from the hall.

"You are free to go," he said, followed by a large bustle of people packing their notepads and spare ingredients away.

Severus whirled around his desk, sitting down, dipping his quill within the ink pot to scribble down the names of the students who never arrived throughout the lesson.

A stack of essays, provided by his second years, stood at the left edge of his desk, the third years pile on the right. Looming over him with the daunting task of correcting them all. Letting out a small sigh of defiance he plucked the first paper from the heap to begin his grueling work.

The time passed slowly as Severus corrected essay after essay, each one seeming to be more disastrous than the one before it. A rain began pouring from the sky, not three hours past, filling the dungeon with an echoing patter. He placed his quill upon the desk, bringing his hands to his eyes in attempts to rub the dry boredom away. He yawned magnificently, tears coming to his stretched eyes, as his face scrunched in weariness.

As his mouth closed, his eyes opening, an excruciating pain ripped through his arm. It was a sharp stab that traveled from his left forearm, up his shoulder and into his chest. There was a split second where he feared he may be having a heart attack but when the pain vanished as quickly as it had come Severus came to the quick conclusion it must have had something to do with his dark mark.

He rolled up his sleeve to see the engraved mark grinning back at him. Puzzled by the odd phenomenon he rubbed his right hand over the tattooed skin bewildered when it began to fade. He could scarcely believe his eyes as the mark became fainter and fainter until it looked merely like an old scar, practically the same tone of his skin itself.

He spent the better half of the next hour mulling over different hypotheses as to why his mark would be demonstrating such odd behavior, each theory coming out to be more farfetched than the last. Was The Dark Lord dumping him? Did his mark vanish because his master wanted him to 'look' more the part of an appropriate teacher? Was he creating a new design for the dark mark? He didn't consider it as anything too atrocious until a folded piece of parchment fluttered into his classroom reading:

_Severus we need to speak._

_- A. Dumbledore_

Snape threw the parchment into the bin beside his desk and pushed himself up. Before departing he looked at the clock in the back of the classroom reading it at 1:41 in the morning. A sudden surge of nervousness grasped him at the thought of what Albus could possibly need to speak with him about at this late hour. Surely this talk and his dark mark's peculiar conduct weren't merely coincidence.

The walk to the Head Master's office, usually feeling short, felt long and torturous. Each stair he climbed, each step he advanced, manifested his heightened perturbation. He whispered the ridiculous password of cake pops causing the gargoyle to spring to life, allowing him access to the long spiraled stair case to Dumbledore's office. He knocked three times only to pull his hands behind his back duly after.

"Come in, Severus," Dumbledore called from behind his door. Snape opened the door, closing it in his wake as he walked across the circular room, standing in the threshold.

"You wished to speak with me?" He asked, one of his feet perched on the first step of the office's stairs. The atmosphere in the room was thick and ill with anguish, quiet and burdening.

"Yes, Severus, do come in and have a seat," Dumbledore insisted, standing from his desk and offering him a chair.

Snape reluctantly walked forward, and lowered himself into the chair not daring to remove his quizzical gaze from Dumbledore's sullen one.

"I have terrible news for you, my boy, terrible news indeed," Albus began looking down at the startled young man.

"_Wha_t?" Snape asked, his fear becoming rampant. There was no way he could have known at that point, but he had a sick feeling in his stomach that this was going to be about Lily. "What is it?" He pressed when Dumbledore said nothing.

"This evening, Lord Voldemort took it upon himself to murder Harry Potter—"

"What's become of her?" Severus asked, clutching the armrests frantically, his eyes widening.

"She's gone, Severus, Lord Voldemort has murdered her," Dumbledore said quietly.

Severus began spiraling at once. His breathing became short and his pulse began to increase the flow. His stomach churned into knots as a sensation, so sick it could have been the plague, washed over him. He looked at the floor, his eyes darting from side to side, begging the news to not be true. His eyes welled with tears as he forced himself to look back into Dumbledore's face.

"N-no—_no_!" He cried as the first tear pooled over his eyelid, gracefully rolling all the way down to his chin, followed by the second on the opposite side. "It-it—it cannot be true!"

"He came to them in the night, not an hour ago—he murdered James—murdered Lily—however the boy— with the boy he did not succeed."

Severus was barely listening as his tears continued to flow, his body being wracked by the loud sobs of anguish. He leaned forward, supporting his weight with his knees, as he cupped his hands over his face, muffling the sounds of his aching cries.

"The Dark Lord has vanished—the curse seemed to have rebounded and took Voldemort down in the process."

"I thought—you were going—to keep her—safe—"

"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," Dumbledore said looking sympathetically down at the bemoaning man. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"

Severus tried to control his savage breathing, his head was beginning to spin excessively as the awkward sensation of pins and needles erupted in his hands, feet, and mouth. He roughly wiped at his eyes, to no avail, for he kept on sobbing.

"Her boy survives," Dumbledore uttered bewildered.

Snape jerked his head and stared at Albus incredulously. As if _that_ was to make him feel better?

"Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evan's eyes, I am sure?"

"Don't!" roared Snape, absolutely bereaved. "Gone—dead—"

"Is this remorse, Severus?" Dumbledore asked skeptically.

"I wish—I wish_ I_ were dead," Snape cried helplessly. He meant it.

"And what use would that be to anyone?" Dumbledore asked without use of empathy. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."

Severus mulled over his last words unable to put them together. The only path Severus saw that was clear was to go to the Forbidden Forest, dig a hole, and just die within it.

"What—what do you mean?"

"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son," Dumbledore stated as a matter of fact.

"He doesn't need protection," Severus protested. "The Dark Lord has gone—"

"The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."

Severus stared into the stone floor searching for acceptance of this whole ordeal. His mind was beginning to slow as the pins and needles receded, his limbs regaining their regular tones while his eyes slowed their production of tears. His breathing returned to normal as he wiped his nose with the back of hand.

"Very well, very well," he said clutching the extra fabric on the knees of his trousers. "But never—never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us, swear it! I cannot bear—especially Potter's son—I want your word!"

"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" There was a pause as Dumbledore realized the distraught man was not going to budge. "If you insist."

The two men sat in forlorn silence as several minutes turned into a collective hour.

"There's something else, as well," Albus said after he figured Severus' composure was fully regained.

Snape was grasped by dread as Dumbledore spoke these words. Albus took a quill from his desk, scribbled onto a piece of parchment, and sent it off out the door.

"There was another hidden in the dark corners of the house at Godric's Hollow this evening," Albus said, looking into Severus' slightly reddened face.

Severus' heart skipped a couple beats as he realized it could be none other than—

"Daddy!" Came the loud cry from the door way.

Severus stood and turned around just in time for the young girl to bash into him and wrap her slight arms around his waist. Holly hugged him ferociously as she cried into his clothes. "Daddy!" She wailed again, her traumatized cries echoing throughout the room.

Severus lifted her up and cradled her to him, muttering reassuring words and stroking her hair.

"Shhh, Holly, I'm here," he said, his once regained composure slipping through his fingertips. A few tears worked their way from his eyes as he sniffed them back, wanting to be strong for his daughter when he truly felt anything but.

"Why?" She bawled not understanding why she underwent the traumatizing events of that evening. Why she wasn't with her mother.

"I'm so sorry, Monster," he said hugging her tightly, rubbing her back tenderly.

Severus couldn't remember a time when he had such a pair of contrasting emotions wracking his heart. One piece of him was broken, never to be salvaged, for the loss of Lily. The other piece was elated, beyond belief, for the return of his daughter. Both made him want to break down and sob for weeks.

After hours had passed, and Severus was able to calm Holly down, she slept in his lap, still in Dumbledore's office.

"Thank you," Severus whispered to Albus. "For bringing my daughter back to me."

"Of course, Severus, of course," Albus said gazing upon father and daughter with fond eyes. "She certainly does take after you."

"Yes, I suppose she does," Snape answered, being filled with an unexpected pride. "I haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do."

"About what?" Albus asked.

"I have no legal claim over, Holly. I don't know what I'm going to do now with the courts. They blatantly stated that if I waited longer than one year and six months to reopen the custody agreement my chances of being awarded any kind of custody would likely be denied."

"Yes, those are their silly little rules," Albus said, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "That was before I sent them an owl of course."

"Y-you sent them an owl? On my behalf?"

"Yes, Severus, they should be receiving my validation of your position come morning. By this time tomorrow you'll be Holly's legal and only guardian."

"What am I to do with her? It's not as if I can take her to lessons with me and have her—I don't know—color in the middle of my classes," Severus pointed out.

"You have no relatives with which she could stay until you figure out a suitable arrangement?"

"I dare not subject her to the horrors of my mother," Severus said, contemplating his other options. His aunt, who lived in Australia, was a good enough woman. She did always complain about how Severus never came to see her enough. Watching Holly would be just the company she always craved.

"I do believe there is at least one," Severus agreed, standing up, Holly in his arms. "I must bid you goodnight now, Head Master."

"Good night, Severus."

Snape carried his daughter down the spiral staircase, through the deserted castle, and deep into the dungeons. He shifted her weight in his arms as he opened his office door, closing it behind him with his foot. Transporting her to his bed he sat her down as she groaned in protest, her sleep disrupted.

"What's going on?" She asked wearily, rubbing her eye with a slight fist.

"Its bed time, Holly," he said, pulling off her shoes.

"I'm not sleepy," she whined unable to stifle the large yawn that forced it's way out of her mouth.

"Oh, really?" Severus mused, looking down at her weary face.

"Mmhm," she insisted, her eyes heavy with sleep.

"You were fast asleep not two minutes ago," he countered, as he unbuttoned her dress.

"I wasn't," she protested.

"Mmhm," Severus agreed skeptically as he pulled her dress over her head. He turned around to go to his dresser where he fished out one of his white undershirts. He pulled the new garment over her head, it coming down to her knees, before he pulled back the covers and patted the readied spot.

"In," he commanded as Holly crawled towards the pillows, resting her head comfortably atop them. "There, now," he said tucking her in.

"Daddy?" She said, looking up at him with questioning eyes. "Where's Mummy?"

"Mummy's gone, Monster," he said delicately, the phrase burning his throat.

"When's she coming back?" She asked.

"She—she isn't coming back, Holly. She's passed away."

"You mean she went up to heaven?" She asked, her eyes staring longingly into Severus' face.

"Yes, that's where she went," Severus concluded unable to bring himself to disarm her notions of heaven. He stroked her hair lightly and smiled as warmly as he could for how hollow he felt inside.

"She'll be watching you from up there though, looking after you as if she was right here with us. No matter what befalls you, what ever hardships you face in your lifetime, your mother will always be with you. She loved you very much, Holly, and she always will. Nothing can truly take her away as long as you know that and continue to love and remember her, understand?"

Tears were silently leaking from Holly's eyes as Severus told her of the complexities of death. She nodded meekly pulling the covers up to her chin and turning to her side, her face nuzzled close to Severus' thigh.

Snape kicked off his shoes and scooted into the bed next to her, wrapping his arm about her shoulders. He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes.

If life ever had a lesson for Severus Snape it was to teach him just how cruel and unfair its essence could be. Lily was gone, there was nothing he could do about it. The only woman whom he ever loved, would ever love, perished from this world, leaving his heart cloven and his mind in shambles.

An unexpected sense of acceptance trickled over him as he contemplated that it was all right. People died everyday and if he tortured himself with sorrow he would surely go mad. Lily was dead but his love for her was stronger than death, even if his love wouldn't change the fact. Lily's departure wasn't the greatest loss that could be had but what Severus could have let die in the midst of his grief. Lily would never be gone from this earth, not as long as Severus and Holly remained there. She would continue to live on through their hearts and memories.

The presence of Holly, breathing lightly beside him, washed Severus with comfort as his new found compliance with death glowed within. He twirled his fingers lightly in his daughters hair as he was overcome with happiness that she was back with him, clasped tightly in his embrace. Tethered to the horrid midst of Lily's death was the return of his daughter, who's love was his greatest blessing. He cuddled against his little girl, allowing his soul to be healed by her company.

"I love you daddy," Holly whispered into his ear as a smile played at Severus' lips.

"And I you."

-end-

* * *

**Author's Note:** Stay tuned for the epilogue. . .


	11. Epilogue

**Disclaimer:  
**I own nothing created and or mentioned, by J.K. Rowling, in the books of Harry Potter. This story is a product intended for enjoyment not financial gain.

**Rating: Mature  
**Sexual content, language content, and dark themes

* * *

Holly Rene Evans-Snape looked into the mirror, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration as she examined her face. At the age of sixteen this was something she did semi-often, seeking out imperfections and ridding herself of them. She picked up her brush and ran it through the long black hair that cascaded down her back. Flicking the combed locks behind her shoulders she proceeded to gaze at her reflection contemplating, deciding against it, she threw her hair into a pony tail.

She had grown to be a woman of average height with sharp features like her father. Although petite compared to some she had received her mother's figure, being spared Severus' deathly thin physique. Her eyes were black, in the shape of almonds and they glittered daintily. Her nose was small and slightly crooked, her lips thin and light pink. Her skin was a tan shade, having attended school in sunny Australia where she grew up with her aunt, only coming back to England to spend summers with her father. Being brought up in two locations, her accent was an interesting mix of English and Australian, giving her a unique flare.

She opened the bathroom door and shut off the light as she exited to the small hallway, of three-thirty Spinner's End, going into her bedroom (that used to belong to her father). She peeled off her pajamas, throwing them onto the floor, before walking to her dresser to obtain clothing. Her father hated when she donned herself in muggle attire (which was a steady trend among young witches and wizards thus she did it often). Selecting a very short pair of jean cut-off shorts she pulled them over her legs, buttoning them at her waist.

"Holly you've recei—"

"DAD, I'M CHANGING!" Holly shrieked, shoving herself against the door, slamming it shut in her father's face.

"Sorry," Severus said softly, barely dodging the door as it swung towards him angrily. "It's after noon, you know?" He called through the door.

"So?" Holly yelled back as she pulled a shredded tank-top over her body. That should piss him off.

"So, if you managed to awaken and change at a decent hour perhaps I wouldn't barge in on you so often. Most people are up and dressed by noon."

"And _I_ would think that you would manage to figure out that I sleep and change late," she spat back, brimming with attitude.

"Watch your tone," Severus warned before turning and walking down the stairs, into the dining room. "That girl," he muttered quietly as he pulled the mail, that had recently come, towards him.

Over the years Holly and himself had grown distant. It seemed that once she turned thirteen everything started to go badly. She began getting into trouble at school, shirking her grades and responsibilities, talking back, and being a complete nightmare to raise. One summer she had been his darling little girl, the next she was a horrid punk of a teenager. It had crossed his mind, more than once, to pull her from the grimy school of Australian Magic to bring her to Hogwarts where he could keep an eye on her at all times. They had argued about it several times, Holly not wanting to leave her friends, Severus not caring about such stupid things. The only objective that stayed him was putting Holly and Harry Potter in the same building. It had been a life goal of his, especially since he met the boy hero (the replica of his father in looks and ways), to never allow Potter to know they were related through Holly. Holly knew of her brother, for she remembered who her mother was, why she died, and who else she gave birth to. She didn't understand why her father wished to keep her brother separated from her, nor did she care.

Holly huffily walked down the stairs and went into the kitchen. Severus gawked at her as she went by, his eyes narrowing in irritation. Her shorts were so high up he could almost see her underwear beneath them. Her tank-top was a ripped shredded thing that displayed her bra underneath and the majority of her mid-drift. That would not do. He pushed himself up from the table and followed her, standing in the threshold.

"If you think you're going to wear that you're sorely mistaken," he said in a dangerous voice as Holly was taking a piece of bread from the loaf on the counter.

"I wear things like this all the time," she countered. She truly didn't, but with how little he saw her or spoke to her throughout her life, for all he knew, she could have.

"_Not under my roof_," he challenged formidably. If he had used such a tone with any of his students they would have been rightly quivering and trembling before him. Holly, however, rolled her eyes.

"I'm not going to change," she stated stubbornly.

"I think you'll find you will," he said just as unyieldingly.

Holly turned to look at him, her arms folded before her chest, trying to match her father's hard gaze. A moment of nasty silence passed between them, both staring down the other.

"Change—_now_," he commanded.

"No," she said simply, popping her hip to one side.

"_What, did you say to me_?" He asked stepping into the kitchen, his demeanor dark, his footfall ominous.

"I said, I'm not going to change," she said, trying to sound as if she wasn't intimidated by his approach. She was.

"You seem to be operating under the delusion that this is somehow optional. You will go upstairs, you will take off those clothes, if one can call them that, and you will change into something else. Do I make myself plain?"

"I'm not changing."

"That's it, I'm not arguing about this. You're not going to parade about this house looking like a common whore," he said spitefully, drawing his wand.

Holly shied away from his words and wand as he pointed it at her threateningly. With a flash of light her summer clothes were gone, replaced with a frumpy black frock that traveled to her ankles, was long-sleeved, and had a turtle neck.

"What the fuck is this?" Holly shrieked, as Severus swiftly walked to her and grabbed her chin in his hand.

"One: you will not use such vile language in my house. Two: it is a dress that you are to wear since you deemed it too difficult to adhere to my simple command and change. Three: I shall have you know, it won't come off until I lift the enchantment," he said triumphantly, before dropping her chin and exiting the kitchen.

"Take it off!" She urged, as she followed him into the dining room.

"Since you denied me my simple request, I see no reason why I should yield to yours," he said with a slight sneer.

"Give me my clothes back, Dad! Stop smiling!"

"I believe I've already closed this matter," he retorted.

"Well, I haven't!"

"That is a mute point," Severus replied, calmly. "You have no jurisdiction in this household."

"You can't just treat me like one of your students, I'm your daughter!"

"All the more reason for you to obey me, yet you contradict me at every turn. I have no choice but to exercise my authority over you. If you could simply behave and not be so insubordinate things might go your way once in a while," he said coldly.

"Ugh, I _hate_ you!" she screamed, storming towards the stairs.

"I love you too, Holly," he said sarcastically as he went back to his mail.

Holly slammed her bedroom door and collapsed on her bed, her mind swimming in anger. She missed her friends, she missed Australia, she missed her mom.

Holly reached out to the picture on her bedside table and cradled it close to her. Lily smiled back from the frame, making Holly all too aware of the hole in her heart. She ran her fingers over the photo, desperately wishing Lily could come out of the frame and be with her, but she couldn't. She was dead and she wasn't ever coming back! No, Holly didn't miss her; wouldn't allow herself to miss her. She glared at the picture, feeling the familiar emotions of anger and threw it at the wall, satisfied to hear it crunch and shatter.

"Bitch," she muttered, folding her arms and convincing herself she hated her mother for dying on her. Leaving her with her stupid father who understood teenage girls as well as he understood the concept of blowing bubbles.

Another surge of rage reigned through her as she heard the unmistakable sound of Severus walking up the stairs. It took a few moments until he was opening her door, hand on the knob, looking about the room.

"What was that crash?" He inquired, staring, almost bored looking, at his fuming daughter.

"Nothing," Holly said angrily, pulling her knees to her chest and glaring at the wall.

"Crashes don't occur on their own accord," he said as he walked into the room, hearing the crunch of glass underneath his feet. He followed the small trail of pieces to the shattered photograph slumped against the far wall where Severus' bed used to be. "Did this fall?" He asked picking up the smiling picture of Lily and holding it gently in his hands.

"Yeah, Dad, it fell," Holly said sardonically, bouncing off her bed and pushing past him.

"You'll mind your attitude when speaking to me," he countered softly as she passed him. Holly scoffed as she continued down the hall towards the stairs.

She bounced down the last two steps, Severus close behind her, and walked to the front door. She began undoing the latches as her father stood in the center of the room, the picture of Lily still in his grasp.

"Holly, where are you going?" He asked calmly.

"Out," she informed him as she flung the door open, stepping out into the sunlight.

"Out where?" He inquired, catching the door before she was able to slam it shut.

"Just out," she said, extremely agitated by his stupid questions.

"I don't think so," he said softly. "The last time you went _out_ you failed to return for three days. I do believe that constitutes a revocation of such privileges."

"_Now I'm not even allowed to leave the house?_" She exclaimed, her voice brimming with disbelief.

"That is correct," Severus stated.

"I can't stay here," she said dramatically as she turned and began huffily walking to the sidewalk.

"Holly, dammit!" Severus enjoined, dropping the photo of Lily and taking long strides in order to catch her by her upper arm.

"Let go of me!" She hollered, attempting to pry his fingers from her person as he began dragging her back towards the front door. "Let me go!"

Severus said nothing as he pulled her back into the house, locking the door with the flick of his wand. The wordless magic he used would not allow the doors to open until the enchantment was lifted. As far as he was concerned, Holly was on house arrest. She had done nothing to merit privileges such as going outside or picking out her clothing.

"What is your problem?" Holly yelled once Severus had turned from the door, his hands clasped behind his back.

"I have no problem, Holly, It's you who appears to have one. So, I do believe the question in hand would be more appropriately presented by myself," he replied calmly as he bent down to retrieve the fallen photo of Lily.

"_You're_ my problem!" She shouted, glaring at him with the utmost loathing. Severus was unfazed, he was accustom to such looks from teenagers.

"Indeed," he said amusingly, his lips twitching into the faintest of smiles. His tone nor demeanor set well with his daughter as he walked and set the picture on the coffee table.

"And you're smiling? Oh, yeah Dad, it's _so_ funny! It's _so _fucking funny that I'm locked in this shit hole with no one but you to talk to! It's so fucking hilarious that you're a dictator and want nothing more than to make my life miserable! I fucking hate it here, it's bullshit!"

"Holly!" Severus exclaimed, completely put off by her colorful language. "Watch your filthy mouth whilst speaking to me, I've warned you before. I haven't raised you this way. I didn't raise you to—"

"You didn't raise me at all!" Holly shrieked. "You were never there. Don't think I don't remember how shit was. You weren't even my legal father until your fuck buddy, Dumbledore stepped in. Auntie Ana told me all about when I was a baby and how you ditched mum and me to go play Death Eater with Lucius Malfoy. Don't think I'm completely stupid to what and who you really are. Why should I have to listen to you? You only see me during the summer and it's always been that way! Ever since I was a little kid you've passed me on to everyone else! You don't even like me! Which is all the same, because I hate you! The only reason I even tolerate you is out of habit. If I had it my way I would never see your stupid face again!"

Severus was momentarily at a loss for words. It was no wonder she acted out so much. Although she would never admit it, she was trying to get his attention while simultaneously convincing herself she hated him because she felt neglected. All the signs were there in her rage-filled monologue. 'you were never there', 'you ditched me', 'you don't even like me'. It was now all too apparent that Holly was in need of emotional coddling. This was why all his punishments never worked, why scolding her got him no place. She didn't need discipline she needed to be acknowledged as someone he wanted around. Her life had been less than easy with her father being basically absent and her mother being murdered before her eyes. Damn, how had he missed the indications?

"How long have you been feeling this way?" Severus asked calmly.

"How long have I been feeling this way? For two thousand years, Dad, _Merlin_!"

"So, a long time, no doubt?" Severus inquired, his black eyes twinkling.

"Yes, Dad, a long ass time."

"I didn't know you felt this way, Holly," he began as he walked passed her towards the dining table. "Needless to say you need some perspective, have a seat."

Holly remained where she was for a moment before hesitantly acquiescing, sitting down opposite him.

"Let us get a few things straightened out, shall we? I don't dislike you, Holly. You're my daughter and I love you unconditionally. Just because I disagree with everything you do or the lack of morals you contain doesn't mean I dislike you. I'm actually very fond of you, just not the things you do and say. I believe you also stated that I passed you off onto other people, as it were. This is absurd of you to think this. As you know, I am a teacher at a boarding school. I couldn't very well watch you for I was on duty twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. The best option for you, as a young girl, was to have you live with someone who could entertain you and look after you throughout the duration of the day. I was unable to meet such criteria. It wasn't done because I didn't wish to be with you, I had no other choices. Do you understand the differences in what you think and what is reality?"

"That's all honky dory but it doesn't change the fact that you weren't even really my father for the first, like, five years of my life_ before_ you were even a teacher! You didn't even try to get me back, you loved not having anything to do with me."

She wasn't going to withdraw her bitterness so swiftly.

"Where do you get these farfetched ideas?" Severus questioned, unable to believe she would credit something like that as true. He recalled the years when Holly was away from him as miserable and painful. Each day without his daughter had proverbially cut him open with salt filled wounds.

"You're not denying it," Holly pointed out coldly.

"My consideration of such notions as farfetched would indicate my denial on the matter."

"Your consideration—farfetched—what?" She asked. Holly was able to decipher her father's obscure ways of speech most of the time. However, once in a while the meaning of his words evaded her.

Severus suppressed a sigh. "Those years were possibly the gravest of my lifetime thus far. How could you possibly think I wouldn't want anything to do with you? You're my daughter, Holly, I love you. I have always loved you, I always will. We may not get along so well, and I know it seems I relish making you 'miserable' but it is not my intention. What I subject you to that you deem miserable are only performed because I_ do _care about you. If I didn't care what became of you, or despised you as you seem to think, I would simply lie low while you failed school. I would sit idly by as you back talked everyone and everything. I wouldn't interrogate you when you didn't come home for days at a time. When I punish you, it's not to make you miserable, it's to cue you in on the fact that these are not acceptable ways of living. I want what's best for you, you must see that."

"That's what all parents say," Holly indicated. She was as stubborn as her mother before her. You make one mistake and they never forgive you for it.

"Perhaps, we parents, all say it because it's true."

"What ever," she said as she began picking at her finger nail.

"Before you dismiss this conversation with a 'what ever' or an 'as if' I urge you to think on what I've told you."

"Uh-huh," Holly said, still looking at her nails rather than at Severus.

"Yes?" Snape corrected her.

"Yes, Dad, okay," Holly said ambiguously. Her tone was challenging, yet unconvincingly so. It was as if her demeanor had changed and she was forcing the attitude into her voice. As though she wasn't truly angry.

"Good," Severus said tersely.

An awkward silence hung in the air as the two sat in quiet, Holly studying her nails, Severus looking at the table.

"I'm gonna go to my room," Holly announced, pushing herself up from the table. She walked to the stairs and turned around. "Can I have my clothes back?"

Severus looked at her shortly before pulling out his wand and flicking it at her disaster of a dress.

"You can remove it now," he said softly, pulling his long forgotten mail to his person.

"Thanks," she replied, before smiling internally and bouncing up the stairs.

The next morning Holly jumped down the stairs, her braided pigtails bouncing on either side of her face. She hopped off the last step as she eyed her father, scribbling on a small piece of parchment at the dining table. She smiled before walking over to the table, coming up behind Severus, and wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Hi, Dad."

Perhaps a new beginning. . . . .

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thank you for reading A Beleaguered Life.


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